i need help but its not there.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Apr 14, 2011.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Hurting so much but its not pain from a cut. I've done my time, now please I'm in so much pain, physical, mental, emotional I need out. why can't i just die in my sleep tonight, just take me please.

    They say, you do the crime
    you do the time.
    They say, it’s not my crime
    So why am I doing the time?
    I’m told, its them who done the crime
    Its them who are the criminals
    It’s them who are the offenders
    But it’s me whose being punished.
    I don’t understand...
    I’m doing the time
    I’m being punished
    so I must be the criminal.
    I’m locked in a world of silence
    The prison walls surround me
    I’m nothing,
    I can't escape, can't be free
    no one can see
    no one can hear
    the fears that are locked inside me
    the memories, the thoughts
    all trapped in my mind
    The prison walls are built so high
    This place is worse than a maze
    Lost, and fading away
    Each day, each minute, each second
    A bit more of me disappears
    But no one sees
    No one hears,
    As I’m locked in a place
    Where nobody cares
    I’m losing the fight
    Unable to find a way out
    The prison walls too high for me to climb,
    I’m blindfolded in a maze,
    Needing help, needing guidance
    But there is nobody around,
    Nobody will come near
    As I sit and rot away
    I don’t know who I am
    For I was lost a long time ago
    I don’t know where I am
    As I lost my way a long time ago
    I don’t understand why me
    Or why anyone...
    I don’t understand
    Why the officers won’t help me
    I have been trying for so long to get help
    The drugs came after,
    Not before...
    The drugs gave warmth,
    Warmth I’ve never felt from love
    Or from care.
    The drugs, where my only friend
    Doesn’t judge me
    Doesn’t look at me in disgust
    Drugs provided comfort
    When I needed someone there
    Drugs never walked away
    When times got difficult
    Drugs calmed me down
    When my moods where higher than a kite
    Drugs I thought were my friends
    Now realise there were like everyone else
    They have taken everything from me
    My friends, my money, my life.
    Drugs are the same as them...
    Tricked me to thinking it was love,
    That I was “special”
    that I was the only one,
    the pain that they caused,
    I believed was the price you pay
    For the love, that I thought they showed me
    I’ve lost everything
    I’ve lost more of me
    I’ve lost my sense of being
    I’ve lost my sense of wanting
    I’ve lost my mind
    I’ve lost the fight
    I’ve lost the battle
    Each day I breathe,
    Is punishment to me
    Now please just let me be..
    Let me go, let me be free
    Let me die please.
    I’m ready...this time next week
    I will be gone....
    I needed a sign
    That something would change
    Would give me hope
    Nothing came,
    So alone I died.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Or alive you live with us and the support we can provide...talking to ppl who care does help give a respite, to time to take a breath...a time-out...please continue to tell us what is going on and how ppl can be there for you...J
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you go in okay to hospital and get help you make them hear and see you get that change you deserve okay. You are not the criminal your right so go in and get some help to heal okay go to emergency room and tell them you need help to stay alive hugs
  4. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    please please listen too eclipse and sadeyes they are amazing people please fight please shout show us what you can do make us all proud I am sorry I do not have more words right now as I need to sleep but my wolf says you better be here when we wake up or he is going to drag you back kicking and screaming then he is going to hug you and help you I will never take the choice away from you I will only try to show you a better choice with love and care and understanding please ask for help it does not make you any less of a person.
  5. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I read your entire piece. That's just my style.

    I’m being punished
    so I must be the criminal.

    Sadness and suicide are indiscriminate in choosing their victims. To feel the way you do does not make you a "criminal".

    We are all here for you. We want what's best for you. Don't ever doubt that.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Just checking in to see how you are doing today and to send my caring... and hopefully this dance will bring a smile...:sparkle:..J
  7. You say you lost the fight and that you lost the battle, but you haven't lost the war. You can lose many battles and still win the war.
  8. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I wish I could talk I really do, when I try I fall over my words, I talk to fast, I get asked to constantly repeat myself, I end up feeling worse, I feel more a freak because I just seem to struggle with the basics of life. I'm havin to send this from my phone as I've gone to the sea, 5 hours just sitting in the cold. I apologise if I've messed up any, I didn't mean to post and not reply but I had to get out of the house. I need a break, the only way I will get sectioned is if I make an attempt on my life..the reason the pdoc says for such an interlligent person u can basically get urself out of this, u have the power in u, are u going to let others destroy u...I might have a high IQ but I have no basic coping skills..its like my stupid intelligence that they call it once again stops me getting help..as I'm expected to cope on my own even when I can't and its taken so much just to admit that I can't and that I have failed myself again. I'm sorry. Thank you to those who have replied and I'm sorry for being. And the dance was cute...bless ya.
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Lost Child. Your poem was beautiful like you, but it also shows how much pain you are going through. I'm so sorry that you're still suffering after so many years of struggling. Please don't give up on counselling. You have to let yourself feel comfortable with your therapist and be honest with him/her. They are there to help you and you have to let them help you. You can beat this. :console: :hug:
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