I need help. I can't take it anymore.

[Yesenia]

I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could tell someone how I felt. It's like every week suicide comes to mind. A lot of things have happened this year so far. And it just seems to get worse and worse and that nothing is ever going to get better.

In January I was barely getting over from the experience of my dad ignoring me and pretending I didn't exist for 4 months. I finally told my mom I was cutting myself again and wanted to give up. I started seeing a therapist and when on meds.

In February my favorite aunt killed herself by overdose.

In March my friend who I also had a huge crush on started ignorning me. By the end of March I took an overdose. But after 8 hours in the hospital, I was finally able to go home.
My parents recommended I take spring quarter off from school to get my mind off things and go to Mexico. I regretted it so much. I missed my home, missed my friends, and missed school. Because I took spring quarter off, I lost my financial aid and also lost my work study.

In the beginning of June my parents started fighting and talked about divorce. I felt like I was in the middle and was being pulled by both of them.

By the end of June my mom left for a month to Mexico with my grandparents and I had to be there for my dad who drank and cried every night.

Beginning of July I started taking summer courses and got back my financial aid and work study back. I really thought things were starting to get better. But it didn't. I couldn't keep up with the fast-paced math class I had. I was failing and had to drop it. I ended up losing my financial aid for the 2008-2009 school year and lost my work study.

And now I'm feeling so hopeless. I feel like I'm all alone. I have a lot of bills that were thrown at me. I have to pay $500 to the hospital for the time my parents took me when I took the overdose. They promised to help me and now they say they can't. I have other bills to pay, which my parents also said they'd help me after they told me to take time off from school and work.

I feel like everyday is a waste. I hate my life. I hate how I feel. I wish I could end it all. I just want to cry. I think to myself, that if I try to kill myself again, that this time I better be successful because if I'm not, then I'm probably going to end up with another huge hospital bill.

I wish I could tell my parents how I feel. I wish I could ask for help. I even vowed that by the end of this year I was going to kill myself. Might as well end my life due to this crappy year.

I don't know what to do.
Why can't it be easy to ask for help to the people nearest me? I know that they love and care about me.
But I don't see killing myself as a selfish act. Shouldn't it be my choice? If I've made up my mind, why can't I go ahead and do it?
I need help.

 

[riddle]

i think it's really a crappy thing to do to charge people for the medical care from a suicide attempt (if it's going to put the into debt or financial hard-times,) that's really going to make them want to live, jeesh.

 

[Ignored]

To start I'll begin with one of your final questions... why can't you talk to those closest to you who you know care about you? Actually, it's often hardest to talk to those closest to us, especially in your situation where your parents are under stresses already. But often we hate to worry those who care about us and it can be easier to talk to someone who has a bit of emotional distance. Speaking of which, are you still seeing your counsellor, as they may be able to help you with a lot of the emotional stuff you're having to carry at the moment. In terms of your financial situation, I'm not sure how things work in the states, but I'm sure there is some sort of advice you can get on talking to your creditors. Often speaking to them and telling them your are in difficulties means they can work out a repayment plan which is more possible to manage.
Overall though, your situation seems to point to the old (though no less true) adage that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Though it may not seem like it right now, I believe that many if not all of your problems are surmountable and that perhaps by this time next year you could be looking back at this and breathing a huge sigh of relief that you didn't take that ultimate step.

 

[itmahanh]

Hun, if you cant talk to your parents about these things face to face, why not write them a detailed letter and leave it with them on an evening you know you will be out or some other ocassion. Give them time to read it and discuss it between the two of them. Then maybe choose a time a few days later when they will be well prepared to answer your questions or hear what you have to say. Sometimes a letter can be a great ice breaker. Do you see a therapist or councellor? Maybe set even one appointment and see what advice they have on the matter. You need to let your parents know what is going on because they can't help you if they arent fully aware of what is going on with you. They may be wanting to talk to you as well but are not really sure how to approach you on the matter. Good luck sweetie.

 

[wastedmylife]

i think it's really a crappy thing to do to charge people for the medical care from a suicide attempt (if it's going to put the into debt or financial hard-times,) that's really going to make them want to live, jeesh.

tell me about it, part of the reason I am where I am today is because of the corrupt system in the USA< and $500 is generally cheap for a hospital visit, usually it is a minimum $1,000 just for signing in