I need help...if anyone will listen

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by neonspoon, Aug 29, 2006.

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  1. neonspoon

    neonspoon Guest

    I dont really know what to say, or how to say it, but i feel i just need to say the things in my head out, to you or to anyone who have similar or not so similar feelings. Recently, my best friend, james, who i have known since i was 5 killed himself. There was no warning, in fact i saw him the night before, only a few hours before. I was in utter disbelief, as anyone would be. I had been depressed prior, but after this happend i have been thinking and feeling completely hopeless. Everthing I used to enjoy doing, writing and photography in particular have no meaning to me anymore. i know exactly what i want to do, how i want to do it, and all that is holding me back is fear. I am lost. I dont know where to go, or who to turn to. As I am typing, i have gone outside to my garage, and found the means to end the pain i am in. I need help...if anyone will listen, if only for a moment....I am alone and dont know where i will be tomorrow...
  2. fading_dreams

    fading_dreams Well-Known Member

    I will listen. Even though I am just new here too. Well, I hope that I can say something. I can never seem to find the words, but I want to tell you that I will be here and I will listen to you. There is nothing that you can say about a friend who commits suicide. It is heartbreaking, and you can’t understand it. I’m sorry that he has you so confused. But know this, he didn’t do it to hurt you. What would happen if you took your suicidal thoughts and put them into your writing, instead of actually killing yourself. Fight off the urge long enough to do something about it. Wait until you can think logically, because this is one decision that will last for the rest of your life. I hope that tomorrow you will still be here, posting on this board and telling us how you are doing.
  3. neonspoon

    neonspoon Guest

    I am surpised someone answered me so quickly. That is the first time that, especially someone i dont know:biggrin:, has been so thoughtful to me about these feelings as opposed to belittling or making me feel worse. Thank you.

  4. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    dear Eric

    i am so sorry you have lost your friend... i have lost people before but not to suicide.. i wonder if you might consider talking to a profesional... you doctor maybe... i know that people are at higher risk of su when someone they know has died by su...

    please hang on to that fear .. it will keep you alive.. also feel what you are feeling because your friend has passed by su.. this is what your family and friends would be feeling.. i dont think this is what you want for them..

    please keep posting if it helps .. we are here to support you... and please dont feel guilt over not knowing what your friend had planned..

    when people make up their minds to su.. those left behind usually say things like i did not know .. or he/she seemed like they were feeling better... if only i had known...

    when in reallity there was nothing you could do if your friend was determined and unwilling to reach out for help... but i am sure they would want a different path for you.....
  5. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Eric, I am so glad that you wrote. I am deeply deeply sorry to hear about your close friend. I have had a lot of loss in my life.. 9 to suicide.. a very close friend of mine, my very best friend was one... I miss her deeply.. several other close friends to me and a couple relatives.. but she was my best friend I could share anything with. The only true best friend that I could share with deeply and my thoughts about so much. I know it hurts deeply.. and you are grieving.. It is okay to grieve..

    I know, it seems strange that one night before you saw him and had no clue.. it isn't your fault.. I don't know.. he must have been in a lot of pain and felt he couldn't share it with anybody.. I know how horribly difficult it is.. and right now you aren't thinking logical at all.. Please Please Please.. don't do anything to hurt yourself.. You need to work through this and we will help you..and support you.. Lean on us.. I know how devastated you must feel and how hard it is to understand.. Sometimes we don't always have the answers and know... it is really hard.. so if you are blaming yourself, don't.. there is no way that you could have known.. try not to blame yourself at all..

    When this happened with my best friend, Dottie, I was on my way to the beach to see her when I got word.. I couldn't believe it.. at all.. What do you mean, I just spoke to her and we had plans for the weekend.. She had just moved down there not to long before that and we were going to get together..

    I am glad you wrote because it is also good to get it out of your head and written out, whether it is talking to us, anybody, or on paper for you.. however, it helps you to get it out.. also expressing the anger and letting it out in a safe place hon... It is all part of the grieving process too..

    You have certainly come to the right place and I am glad that we can be here for you..You will find that we understand.. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for SF.. to tell you this and that is the truth.. It hasn't been an easy road at all and I have never ever found anyone at all in my life, other than the ppl I have lost, or a forum like this where the ppl here really sincerely care for each other.. I wouldn't be here if it weren't so at all. There is a bond here with many ppl and I am glad you are here.. You are part of our family and we want to be there to help you through this.. please continue talking and expressing yourself.

    I know feeling depressed prior to this happening, only made your depression worse and the feeling of hopeless.. it seems very hopeless right now and it is a shock to find out that this just happened.. You need to take time to allow yourself to grieve.. Are you seeing a counselor/therapist? Grieving takes time and then there are moments when alot of things remind you of certain things..and that is okay.. there will be triggers.. helpful to write to us or someone here you trust of talk to someone.. it would help to talk to someone who understands grief or go through grief class when you feel ready to help you understand what you are going through..

    Fading_Dreams had a good suggestion too.. about writing down your thoughts. It helps some ppl. Or drawing to get your feelings out.. of
    your head.. or some ppl need to talk to someone instead.. whatever
    works for you but please don't hurt yourself.. I don't think James
    would like you to do that..

    It sounds like you have alot of talent, writing, photography.. I know it is difficult feeling hopeless and depressed.. right now to feel like doing any of this.. that is depression.. I love playing the piano and I use to play alot.. I could really play great when I was very angry and upset.. and then especially when I felt down after a hard day.. and it use to help me get through the depression but then it became hopeless for me.. and I stopped playing for a very long time.. then I found SF... there are many things I use to like to do also and stopped doing.. a little at a time.. it won't happen over night.. just know you have many friends here who really care about you and we don't want you to hurt yourself.. OK?

    Are you close to your parents? Or have other friends? Who also were a part of James' life or not? But friends that are in your life who understand a little? Or any friends? To do things with or trust to talk to? My friends didn't.. They couldn't believe it.. that Dottie would do it..

    I hope I have helped some.. It is late here and I may be rambling on too much..

    When you are ready.. do something meaningful for your friend in his name and honor. That is what I do now with the ppl I have lost in my life... no matter the age.. just remembering them.. I think James would like that..

    I hope you will be here tomorrow. Please check in or I will worry about you as well as many other ppl here..since you have reached out to us.. Please feel free to PM me anytime to.. Okay?? I know it is very difficult to get through this but you can.. one step, one second at a time..

    I really hope to hear from you soon.. either on SF or PM me.. Please don't do anything rash that will be as fading_dreams stated getting through this day
    as this is a once in a lifetime decision to be made and can't be reversed.. Speaking from my own experience too with being self destructive myself and really I shouldn't be here... it seizes to amaze me that I am.. no matter what..

    Allofme stated thinking about your family and friends and how much this would hurt them if you also did something to yourself.. that they would want you to take a different path now..

    Doing this will not bring James back.. it will only hurt others in your life, whether you believe it or not.. I have been there many times with other family member, especially Dottie's, and she didn't think that her mom cared about her.. when in reality she did.. I know you are in shock and in grief, it will take some time.. and one never forgets.. I know.. that pain is there and maybe in time, hopefully, as you work through this, that you can turn it around for something good to help others.. understand.. but right now, you need to take care of yourself and I hope you won't do anything at all.. it is always a choice I know.. but not right now. OK?? You are still in shock and in tremendous pain and not good to make any decisions now.. PLEASE GIVE US A CHANCE TO BE THERE FOR YOU AND HELP YOU THROUGH THIS

    Okay, Eric.. I care and many ppl here deeply care about you.. I am sorry.. I know this is very long but I am very passionate.. is that the word? when someone loses someone close to them and how devastating that is.. it breaks one heart.. but you can come back and work through it.. Turn it into something good.. James, I am sure would like you too.. He couldn't reach out for help and maybe he didn't know how too.. but you can be a voice in this as time goes by and you start to heal as they say time heals but we don't forget.. we understand others pain..


  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am saddened to hear about your friend. I know what it is like to loose friends to suicide and the helpless feeling that follows. Some of the feelings you have are just plain grieving. They are natural feelings. Grieving is a process we all have to go through and it takes time. There will be times when things seem completely overwhelming as something reminds you of your friend. Think of the good times you had together to help you get through.

    Depression is a whole different matter. Put the two together and it truly complicates things. As the others have mentioned, please continue to write out your feelings. Posting here is a great way to do that. Express yourself through your photography. You are important to your friends and family and I am sure they would feel devastated at losing you. Live hun, for those that love you, but most of all, for yourself. I hope to see you post further. I am thinking of you and wishing for your safety. Take care. :hug:
  7. ShadyMalingerer

    ShadyMalingerer Active Member

    Just read you're story. It's f**ked up what happened to you, I'm sorry for that.
  8. neonspoon

    neonspoon Guest

    Thank you all for your support. I am feeling much better today, but it kind of seem like its only a matter of time before it comes back. I am so glad that all of you understand what i am going through and care so much. Thank you all.
  9. neonspoon

    neonspoon Guest

    Thanks all of you so much. i feel so emotionally drained today, but i feel better. YOU ALL SAVED ME LAST NIGHT. :biggrin: Im so glad i found SF when i did. I was just outside and felt a breeze on my face and for the first time in a while my mind felt at peace. How long it will last i dont know, but i do know this: I always have someone to talk to now. Thakn you all for that.
  10. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Eric, I am so glad and how great to hear from you! It is very emotionally draining. And it will take some time.. I am glad that you are feeling better and realize that you have ppl here to talk to whenever you want especially when you start feeling down. You may have good days and some bad days.. Like I said, just take it a day at a time.. and keep talking to us..

    You aren't here by accident and I found SF at the right time too. Just a day at a time and enjoy the good days like going outside and feeling a breeze on your face and feeling at peace.. Enjoy this moment and you will have many others.. It helps to know that others care about you and we are here to talk to you anytime.. ok? Always remember that.. You will get through this..


    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 30, 2006
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