Eric, I am so glad that you wrote. I am deeply deeply sorry to hear about your close friend. I have had a lot of loss in my life.. 9 to suicide.. a very close friend of mine, my very best friend was one... I miss her deeply.. several other close friends to me and a couple relatives.. but she was my best friend I could share anything with. The only true best friend that I could share with deeply and my thoughts about so much. I know it hurts deeply.. and you are grieving.. It is okay to grieve..
I know, it seems strange that one night before you saw him and had no clue.. it isn't your fault.. I don't know.. he must have been in a lot of pain and felt he couldn't share it with anybody.. I know how horribly difficult it is.. and right now you aren't thinking logical at all.. Please Please Please.. don't do anything to hurt yourself.. You need to work through this and we will help you..and support you.. Lean on us.. I know how devastated you must feel and how hard it is to understand.. Sometimes we don't always have the answers and know... it is really hard.. so if you are blaming yourself, don't.. there is no way that you could have known.. try not to blame yourself at all..
When this happened with my best friend, Dottie, I was on my way to the beach to see her when I got word.. I couldn't believe it.. at all.. What do you mean, I just spoke to her and we had plans for the weekend.. She had just moved down there not to long before that and we were going to get together..
I am glad you wrote because it is also good to get it out of your head and written out, whether it is talking to us, anybody, or on paper for you.. however, it helps you to get it out.. also expressing the anger and letting it out in a safe place hon... It is all part of the grieving process too..
You have certainly come to the right place and I am glad that we can be here for you..You will find that we understand.. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for SF.. to tell you this and that is the truth.. It hasn't been an easy road at all and I have never ever found anyone at all in my life, other than the ppl I have lost, or a forum like this where the ppl here really sincerely care for each other.. I wouldn't be here if it weren't so at all. There is a bond here with many ppl and I am glad you are here.. You are part of our family and we want to be there to help you through this.. please continue talking and expressing yourself.
I know feeling depressed prior to this happening, only made your depression worse and the feeling of hopeless.. it seems very hopeless right now and it is a shock to find out that this just happened.. You need to take time to allow yourself to grieve.. Are you seeing a counselor/therapist? Grieving takes time and then there are moments when alot of things remind you of certain things..and that is okay.. there will be triggers.. helpful to write to us or someone here you trust of talk to someone.. it would help to talk to someone who understands grief or go through grief class when you feel ready to help you understand what you are going through..
Fading_Dreams had a good suggestion too.. about writing down your thoughts. It helps some ppl. Or drawing to get your feelings out.. of
your head.. or some ppl need to talk to someone instead.. whatever
works for you but please don't hurt yourself.. I don't think James
would like you to do that..
It sounds like you have alot of talent, writing, photography.. I know it is difficult feeling hopeless and depressed.. right now to feel like doing any of this.. that is depression.. I love playing the piano and I use to play alot.. I could really play great when I was very angry and upset.. and then especially when I felt down after a hard day.. and it use to help me get through the depression but then it became hopeless for me.. and I stopped playing for a very long time.. then I found SF... there are many things I use to like to do also and stopped doing.. a little at a time.. it won't happen over night.. just know you have many friends here who really care about you and we don't want you to hurt yourself.. OK?
Are you close to your parents? Or have other friends? Who also were a part of James' life or not? But friends that are in your life who understand a little? Or any friends? To do things with or trust to talk to? My friends didn't.. They couldn't believe it.. that Dottie would do it..
I hope I have helped some.. It is late here and I may be rambling on too much..
When you are ready.. do something meaningful for your friend in his name and honor. That is what I do now with the ppl I have lost in my life... no matter the age.. just remembering them.. I think James would like that..
I hope you will be here tomorrow. Please check in or I will worry about you as well as many other ppl here..since you have reached out to us.. Please feel free to PM me anytime to.. Okay?? I know it is very difficult to get through this but you can.. one step, one second at a time..
I really hope to hear from you soon.. either on SF or PM me.. Please don't do anything rash that will be as fading_dreams stated getting through this day
as this is a once in a lifetime decision to be made and can't be reversed.. Speaking from my own experience too with being self destructive myself and really I shouldn't be here... it seizes to amaze me that I am.. no matter what..
Allofme stated thinking about your family and friends and how much this would hurt them if you also did something to yourself.. that they would want you to take a different path now..
Doing this will not bring James back.. it will only hurt others in your life, whether you believe it or not.. I have been there many times with other family member, especially Dottie's, and she didn't think that her mom cared about her.. when in reality she did.. I know you are in shock and in grief, it will take some time.. and one never forgets.. I know.. that pain is there and maybe in time, hopefully, as you work through this, that you can turn it around for something good to help others.. understand.. but right now, you need to take care of yourself and I hope you won't do anything at all.. it is always a choice I know.. but not right now. OK?? You are still in shock and in tremendous pain and not good to make any decisions now.. PLEASE GIVE US A CHANCE TO BE THERE FOR YOU AND HELP YOU THROUGH THIS
Okay, Eric.. I care and many ppl here deeply care about you.. I am sorry.. I know this is very long but I am very passionate.. is that the word? when someone loses someone close to them and how devastating that is.. it breaks one heart.. but you can come back and work through it.. Turn it into something good.. James, I am sure would like you too.. He couldn't reach out for help and maybe he didn't know how too.. but you can be a voice in this as time goes by and you start to heal as they say time heals but we don't forget.. we understand others pain..
Love
Tracie