I need help..I'm lost..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GiveMeWings, Dec 19, 2009.

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  1. GiveMeWings

    GiveMeWings Account Closed

    It hurts so much. I don't know what to do, where to turn to. Words cannot express the way I'm feeling in any way. It just hurts. I feel completely lost.

    I'm surrounded by people but no one seems to really be there. I have friends, but I'm not comfortable letting them know. I just know they wouldn't understand. They didn't understand before. I have a boyfriend, but he never knows how to help. I've told him how I felt before, and all he says is that he "doesn't know what to say" and just keeps blaming himself for everything.

    There's only one person in the world for me who could help. I still love that person with all my heart. But I can't have them back, I shouldn't get them back. I don't think I'm ever going to stop loving him. And right now it hurts so much because I was the one who led him out of my life. I couldn't do otherwise. It would be even more painful to stay with him because there was no future for us. And all the dreams we made would never come true. But I still love him, and time hasn't been able to heal anything. I love him so much I could give up on my life and just about everything for him. And I find myself hoping he'll find someone who's better than me and that he'll fall in love all over again and just be happy. And I hate myself because of what I did. In order to get over him, I jumped into a relationship that only made things even more confusing. But nothing has worked. Not time, not the relationship..Not even my new life..It's all the same and the hurt isn't going away.

    And I just wished that person never loved me. I wish I never met him so that things wouldn't be this way right now. Love's supposed to be something great and true, something beautiful, but I find myself hating love now. And I just want everything that reminds me of it to disappear. I want -myself to disappear. I can't take this pain anymore.

    He was the only one who gave my life meaning. The only thing that would come in my mind whenever something was going wrong. I knew everything was going to be alright, because, after all, I had him. He was my soulmate. And I need him so much but I know that I can't be with him. Please don't ask why, please, it just hurts too much to think of it.

    And right now I just wish no one ever loved me. I don't want to be loved. I don't deserve to be loved. I don't want people to love me. After all, all that love causes them is pain. I wish he never fell in love with me. He wouldn't be going through this if he found someone else. I wish my best friend didn't fall in love with me. That way he wouldn't have to call me up crying, he wouldn't have had suicidal thoughts, he wouldn't have cut himself in front of me and he wouldn't break up with his girlfriend who loved him so much because he wanted to be with me. I don't want people to love me. I'm not worth of that love. And I don't want my boyfriend to love me like he says he does, because everytime I tell him I don't feel the same way he breaks down and pleads me not to leave him. But I'm scared of being alone. I don't know what to think anymore. I hate myself. I wish I could turn back time and make it so I wouldn't exist. That's all I've been wishing for during my past three birthdays, while blowing up the candles.

    I feel like I'm facing a dead end and I will never face anything but it. And that's probably how it's going to be. I can't eat or sleep anymore. I'm not motivated enough to do anything but sleep. I can't even cry. I feel all alone, even though anyone would think I'm not. But truly, I'm all alone. Because he isn't there, and he was the only one who gave life meaning. I had so many dreams with him...

    And I know not many people will reply to this, because it's so long and bad written. But I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I hate myself. I just want to close my eyes and disappear...And I just want him to be happy. I want him to find someone else. Maybe if he does, then everything will seem better. I want him to find someone better than me and just be happy. That's all I'm asking from life right now. I don't care about myself anymore. I don't care if I get hit by a car, if I get murdered, if I get really sick. I don't care at all. I'm actually hoping something like that will happen. I don't even want to go to the kind of afterlife everyone is dreaming of if I die. I just want to disappear and turn into nothingness. Just that.
  2. GiveMeWings

    GiveMeWings Account Closed

    And here I am, replying to my own message. I used to be afraid of death, but now I'm not. The thought of dying is similar to the feeling of relief right now. I feel the world will be a better place if I stop existing. And maybe all the people I have managed to hurt will get used to the idea of me not existing and go on with their lives as if I never had...
  3. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I haven't read you rpost yet but will in a minute (am kinda slow in the mornings, come to think of it, often in the afternoons too and sometimes the evening :sleepy: I get round to things in the end though :) Just wanted to let you know that everyone on the planet has a right to exist and be happy :Hug:
  4. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I don't think anything is going to make you feel better until you address the root cause of your unhappiness, not a relationship that couldn't be but the depression. People with mental health difficulties are prone to making bad decisions when what they really need to do is not make life changing decisions every day that are more likely to hinder than cure but to methodically get professional help for their condition.

    You gave a perfectly valid reason for ending the first relationship, your dreams would never be with him and you pine for a lost love instead of greeting a future with your dreams intact.

    To secure those dreams and to leave yourself open for the next love of your life to walk into your heart, you need to see about getting all the treatment you are able to get for your mental health :hug:
  5. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    You need to move on. If you feel you don't deserve to be love, do your boyfriend a favor and dump him so he can move on.
  6. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    I think you have alot of irrational guilt. You made a decision that was best for both of you. And you tried to be what ever yall could be.
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