[I'm 18, 19 in January. I've had depression since I was 12 and problems with social anxiety since I was 14. Basically, before I finished high school, in May 2008, I applied to some university courses, and got accepted onto them. The one I've choose to do is a Fashion Business degree course. On the course information, they recommend having some kind of retail experiences or fashion experience. I had a little retail experience, but it was in a corner shop, so it's not fashion related. I also took part in a course alongside my final year at school, about fashion marketing, which is the equivelant of a first year university module. Cause I took part in that, I do have some fashion-based experience, that and I got A's in Art & Fashion Textiles. Anyway, I told my family and friends that I wanted to take a gap year before school and university, I told them I wanted some industry experience, which is partly true, but it's also cause I wanted some time to try and sort my mental state out. My parents, family and friends don't know I have depression. My best friend does but she lives an hour and a half away, so I don't see her very often. Anyway, on these university application's, I deferred my university place, so now I'm starting in September 2009. In July, something, which I will explain if you ask, happened, and basically I lost a lot of my friends, whom although didn't know about my problems, were a great source of support. I'm now talking to all but 2 of them, which is good, but I still don't feel comfortable enough to share it with them. Obviously, that whole situation has caused me a lot of stress, and I've been feeling very depression, and at times, suicidal. I started self-harming, cutting my arms and stomach when I was 13, I used to do it more often, but this year, I've been trying REALLY hard to stop. The last time I self-harmed, was mid-October. Also, since I've cut back (no pun intended) on self-harm, I've felt even more depressed. In a way, such a distruptive thing relieved pain. Basically, by next September, I want to feel at least a little better. I need help about ways to cope, learn, use my feelings productively. I know some of you might suggest telling my parents, and getting professional help, but with the current state of my trust issues, and my extremely broken relationship with my alcoholic, mentally/physically abusive dad, I don't feel I am able to. Basically, anything you can suggest would be greatly appreciated. I want this year to mean something.] If you read all of this, thank you, I greatly appreciate it.