I need help please... i feel like i wanna die but i also feel like i dont..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PatrickMehl, Sep 20, 2009.

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  1. PatrickMehl

    PatrickMehl Member

    Hey people...... for ever since i whas 11 i had suicide thoughts and depression..
    And ive had big periods were i have just been crying and crying. Right now i am 13 and im having a really hard time.. i had a period were i wasnt depressed and everything whas fine but now its back.. i have thoughts of jumping out of a window on my school, taking a kitchen knife and cut my throat.
    I believe the only thing thats keeping me alive is the fact that i have a huge crush on this girl from my school, and my dream to become a pilot in the military.
    But its not holding out much longer, i believe the girl i have a crush on just got a boyfriend, and im not doing very good in school so i might not be able to get into the airforce... please i need some help because i feel my life is about to end..

    Sorry about my not so skillfull english i hope you can understand..

    ~Patrick Mehl
  2. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Hi Patrick

    Its hard having to deal with those feelings, particularly so young. I was a bit older than yourself when i started feeling this way, and i know how i felt at that time, they are not easy things to deal with.

    About 9 years on, i'm still here, so i hope for a start that gives you hope. Its not an easy thing to deal with, and i wont pretend otherwise, but you have plenty of options, and a whole life ahead of you.

    For the girl, i will say that crushes come and go. You have plenty of time ahead of you to meet girls, which might not be a comfort for you right now, but as you progress, you will see that there are plenty of girls out there, and plenty of opportunities to get close to them, if you want to make that choice.

    As for becoming a pilot, it is a difficult thing to do, but you have plenty of time to do it. Do you have opportunities for extra study or tuition? I know it might not sound like something you want to do, but if you are that committed to becoming a pilot, then use that focus to spend more time on studying, and try to develop. You do need a reasonable academic background to join the airforce, regardless of where you are from (out of interest, what country are you in? i have one or two acquaintances who are, or are trying to be pilots, so might be able to get more information from them, depending on what you will try for). Is there a local air cadets, or suchlike organisation you can get involved in?

    I will also say though, that you have plenty of time to see other opportunities too. There are plenty of things out there to try and do, and while now you may want to be a pilot, that may change. Its good to have something to work towards, but in the time you go towards it, you might find something completely different. I know at 23 now, i'm regretting somewhat the things i was so sure i wanted to do when i was younger.

    Is there a particular cause for how these feelings started? What is your home life like? And most importantly, is there anyone you can talk to about how you feel? Its good that you have so many doubts, because you have to know deep down inside that ending it is not what you want to do really.

    If you want to chat about it or anything, send a PM my way.
  3. PatrickMehl

    PatrickMehl Member

    I live in Denmark
    My home life is fine my parents are divorced tho and my dad...well i dont talk to him anymore hes an asshole
    He left me without telling anything and right now hes working for fl smith and is in china i think
    I experienced violence before he left me... when i visited him in the weekends he had a wife from egypt who whas a pshycho... she beated up my half little sister like an animal.. my dad didnt care he whas sitting in the couch less than 5 metres from it watching tv...
    Also well... im not the popular in the school im very quiet i only talk wen being talked to..
    Else i only talk wen im alone with a friend
    And i dont trust anyone to talk about theese things im afraid my friends will think that i am some kind of weirdo or something i fear losing all i have... not that i have particularly much.. exept for 3 friends and my mom.
    i dont trust my teachers they will most likely send me to some kind of pshychologist ask weird questions and add stuff to my CV that possibly will ruin my whole life.
    I really have no idea of how all this started... maybe its the fact that the only person who loved me through my whole life is my mom.
    Also about the extra studying, i guess i could ask my teachers for some xtra free time work stuff.
    And wen i enter 8rd grade there is some stuff were i can go to practice or whatever its called in english i have no clue. But there you can enter for practice in the military, police, firefighter all that kind of stuff. Ofcourse it wont be like bootcamp but close.
    I feel so lonely and invisible werever i am... As i mentioned before i believe that its only my mom who loves me and as im entering the teen years i have a hard time with my mom.
    I just wish there whas somewhere were i could feel safe and feel loved exept for my dreams.
  4. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Asking teachers for extra academic help is a good start. I would also ask if you have talked to anyone directly about the requirements of getting in to the air force? A quick google came up with this http://komfoapps.com/facebook-appli...e-royal-danish-air-force-facebook-application , with a link to a facebook application, so if you're on facebook (or sign up), you could join the group, and ask questions directly to those in the know, to see what you need to aim towards. Having a definate target to achieve will mean you can push harder to reach it, and know what you need to do to become what you want to be.

    I hear you on that, my dad was a bastard too, and i was the same at school because of that, so i get where you are coming from. It takes time to get over that, and grow from it, but you do have plenty of time ahead of you to work through it.

    You've come to us here on SF now, and this is a great place to start talking about things, and not having to worry about how people will take it, because everyone on here has been through pain of one sort or another. If you don't think you can take that step and talk to teachers or a doctor about it, then talk to us here instead :) . We're not neccessarily a substitute for the affection each of us need in real life, but you are safe here, and hopefully if you stick around, you'll be able to see that you aren't alone in the challenges you face.
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Hi Patrick

    Please remember you are not alone because you have us.

    I've been depressed since I was a little girl and I'm 52 now. Like you, I feel safest in my dreams.

    Enjoy every crush you get. It'll help you smile. It also makes it easier to go to school when you know you get to see all the pretty girls. Don't worry about getting a girlfriend. Just enjoy the field of girl flowers for now.

    You will do fine in school. Sometimes it'll be harder than others. When I was a teen, I read a lot of books. My favorite was the Conan the Barbarian series.

    Enjoy your dreams of becoming a pilot. I have enjoyed many dreams that I decided not to do but they sure were fun to dream about.

    I saw a lot of adults with problems when I was a kid. I learned not to let them "steal my life" when I was in my 30s. I would write it out, tear up the paper so I couldn't read it, put the pieces in my toy dump truck, and vrooom it over to the garbage can, then say "Muahahahahahaha."

    Yes, I'm 52 and I have toy dump trucks. My husband buys them for me at garage sales.

    Parts of my life have been awful, parts have been ok, and parts have been good. Keep coming back here and you will find your way through it all.
  6. PatrickMehl

    PatrickMehl Member

    Yes thank you very much i apreciate your help.
    I just hope that i can get over this and start being more social in stead of being the loner sittin in the conour of the class room or just sitting alone.
    Its so nice finally being able to let my worries out instead of keeping it as a dark secret i feel a bit more reliefed now.
    Also for that link you just sendt me i need to be in highschool to sign up for there events.
    But thank you very much anyway :)
  7. PatrickMehl

    PatrickMehl Member

    Thank you very much for your help :)
    I sure will enjoy my dream of becoming a pilot, i have wanted to become one since i knew what a plane whas.
    And thanks god i found this forum... i wouldnt be able to hold out for much longer.
  8. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    No problem, i was thinking you could ask in that group what sort of requirements you should be working towards to become a pilot. They might have a better idea than your teachers, actually being a part of it, and give you tips on the best way to do that.

    And this is seriously a great place to post, so any time you want to talk or anything, plenty of us here who will try to help out.
  9. PatrickMehl

    PatrickMehl Member

    Awesome, apreciated.
  10. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Yea dont be sad and look depressed, nobody wants to be friends with soemone who is negative and chase your dreams man.
  11. Mustafa

    Mustafa Active Member

    Patrick, it's good that you have a dream of becoming a pilot. The only dream many people of your age have is to stay home and play Play Station :)

    As for the grades you still have many years at school and plenty of time to improve them and maybe when you will learn more new subjects at school you may change your mind and decide to become someone else.

    If you want socialise and make new friends see if you can join any sport team such as football or basketball.

    Also you live in Denmark a very developed country with plenty of opportunities which I'm sure you will be able to use.
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