I need help.....please!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Conquest, Jan 27, 2011.

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  1. Conquest

    Conquest New Member

    This mite be my suicide letter... I am serious and I need help. I was looking for a website to tell my story... If anyone is out there, please...give me some advice!!

    Everything keeps ending bad for me. I hate myself, I swear to god I do. I just wish for once in my life, I can get that one bit of happiness that I dream for sooo badly everyday! I'm crying very bad right now, I found this site while searching for suicide. I'm sorry for thinking this, I really am.

    Here is why I am thinking about joining God...

    I was homeschooled all my life and didn't have much contact with other people other then my cousins. All I did all day is homeschool, play video games and play basketball. My childhood was horrible, homeschool was bad and my dad hated me all through my childhood. He used to slap me or throw me out of my chair when I was a child because I would miss a question while he was homeschooling me. I would be crying right infront of him and he would just sit there with his hand on his head in disgust. One time he threw me out of the chair because of a math problem, after awhile I got up and got back in the chair just to hear my dad say "okay next problem". When I would get into trouble, he would come after me, sometimes throwing me. One time we moved into an apartment, and he got mad at me for having my hands in my pockets and I asked him what's the problem with having my hands in my pockets and then he got mad and started grabbing me and I fougt back. He ended up missing a swing a punching a hole into the wall. My mother knew about this and didn't even care. It ended up like that through all my homeschool life.

    I started playing basketball when I was 6 because my dad thought "i didn't act like other kids", pretty much, I wasn't black enough. I am black myself, but I don't act like most black people. When I turned 15, my mother gave up on me. She wouldn't talk to me, thought I was a failure, and it got to the point where I would speak and she wouldn't even listen. All I wanted to do is go to college and play basketball but I couldn't because my family is poor and would not help, so I had to finish school early and join the Army at 16 years old to be able to get a G.I. bill and get out young so I could go to college when I got out. I thought by joining the Army would help me and make my parents think I wasn't a that failure child, I was wrong.

    I'm 19 now, and I was in the Army up until 2 months ago, and all I experienced is pain everyday. I happen to be in a special forces (10th SFG in colorado) unit where they have there own little clique's and because I'm black and don't act black. the people there (any color) thought I was a dumbass and my superior's hated me. It's very difficult to explain, but the army is very segregated. It doesn't matter how nice you are to someone, if they don't like you and they are higher rank, they have no reason to treat you nice. A situation happened where this one SFC hated me soo much, we were doing a small run with our SFC who really hated me. It ended up with me finally getting fed up with him hating me and I finally let out all my anger and one really loud scream. He was making me do all this extra PT (psyical training) because he hated me and I knew he did. But, he thought I was unstable and grabbed me and put me in a headlock, lifted me in the air, and I passed out after tapping for 20 seconds. He then threw me on the ground, put his hand on my neck and said "im a SFC you don't disrespect me". It ended up, because we were with another sargent who was his friend, he and him said it was my fault and the commander swept it under the rug, did nothing to him, kicked me out but gave me a honorable because the other people who I was with fought for me, but I lost because I was lower rank. There's alot more situations "other" then that too, espically when I went to Iraq when I was 18.
    I'm out of the Army, but I feel stained forever. That's not why I am thinking about taking my life now, my parents don't want anything to do with me and they won't take me back home. They have officially completely givin up on me, and I'm dead to my parents now. Today I was looking at pictures of my mom and dad on facebook while crying my eyes out. Despite what they did to me, I still loved my mom and dad. My mother logged on and I told her I was crying and I missed her and dad deeply, and she said that I can't come back home and that they given up on me. Well, here I am, crying and writing this message...

    I ended up getting alitte bit of money when getting out the army and decided to take my chance with a friend I've known for a few months and get an apartment with him. I bought the apartment, which was alot and he was susposed to take care of this month. Well, he edned up being a drug and achol addict and because he thought I wasn't "cool" enough, he took everything he owned and up and left, leaving me in the middle of the US in colorado with no family, no money, no nothing. I'm sitting here, crying soo bad right now, I don't know what to do. If I don't have the rent on the 1st, there gonna kick me out, i will be homeless. I only make a few hundred dollars a week, so I've been looking for nearby shelters to live at, and I just couldn't take it and I'm started to lose control of myself even while writing this message. I'm crying soo bad right now and I don't know what to do anymore! All I want to do is go to college and play basketball. I'm 6'2 and have a 40 vertical. It's all I ever wanted to do, but it's becoming soo hard to get that goal, it seems just like a dream now. I'm not in college now because I have to wait for my G.I. bill to come in the mail, I just hope it comes before I get kicked out. I have to go live in a shelter now until I get enough money to get a place. I don't have a car, so I have to walk everywhere now.

    I feel soo alone, I have noone to turn to, my life has been filled with bad people and bad things seem to follow me. What did I do? Does anyone know? Why is my life like this? I wish life wasn't soo cruel... Oh how I wish I could just live with God, live in a peaceful world where there's no pain or suffering, just eternal happiness.

    I often Imagie how Heaven is and how the people are in Heaven. Oh how I would love to walk up to anyone and have them show me soo much care and love as if they were my brother. For there to be nothing but happiness everywhere.... that seems soo beautiful and soo much better then this world. I wish my parents loved me, I feel alone and hopeless, I just don't know what to do anymore....
  2. Nima

    Nima Well-Known Member


    I read your posting and I couldn't imagine my father throwing me around and pushing me out of a chair for missing a problem. I'm against being Homeschooled anyhow because you don't get to be a child like everyone else but Conquest this is not a reason you should end your life. Please seek some Professional help. Your mother just sitting there and letting your father slap you around like that was not acceptable I think that is horrible. I think you should really seek talking to a Therapist and telling this Therapist your thoughts and I don't want you to commit Suicide. There is more to life than thinking about killing yourself you can change your life even though your Parents didn't care enough to say they loved you. I believe you shouldn't treat your children like you don't care about them. Your Father was wrong of the treatment that he bestowed on you.

    I assure you Conquest this Forum is here for you to come to and seek advice :IrishDoll:
  3. Conquest

    Conquest New Member

    Thank you soo much for your kind words, I do actually need to see a therapist. I need help coping with my inner feelings but I fear even therapy won't stop the bad things from happening to me.
  4. sdcg76

    sdcg76 Member

    Please don't end your life! I know there's so much going in your life, but don't end it because you never know what's around the corner. I know that's so easier said than done when it seems like the only solution is to just end it all. I have walked in your shoes as I'm black and don't act black enough, I can tell you a whole story but I'll spare you. I have learned that you can't please everybody and there's always going to be somebody you piss off by not being "normal." I'm so sorry that your parents have done that to you. I too don't have a relationship with my mother and as of last week I cut my sister off because she was one of my biggest triggers and I was tired. That being said you have to live for yourself and take care of you. Try to get out and meet some new people to lift you up! You have the rest of your life to live, don't throw in the towel. I'm a PM away if you want to talk:console::hug:
  5. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Hi Conquest,

    Sometimes there are no explanation for why bad things happened to good people. And a lot don't have the parents who every child deserves. For the time being, what it is important is that you put just one feet in front of the other so you can get by one day at a time. Focus on one little piece of the problem at the time. Because there is always hope that the weather will change. So far, under the circumstances, you did great. I don't think many people would have made it through the army the way you did with all that was stacked against you. My husband is a veteran like you, but from another war. He too got in when he was 16. The GI bill really, really opened doors for him that would not otherwise because his family was dirt poor. It changed his whole life. Its something for you to hang to. I am sure something can be done for you to get your mail. What I am telling you is that what you are going through is probably the worst and you cant give up now because the best of life you still have to experience. You are still so young. For many people, their real family is not their blood family and we found each other later in life. Don't give up on the dreams and the hopes. You sound like a decent man and you deserve better than the raw deal you got so far. There is a quote from one of my fav author that I read over and over when I feel overwhelmed:

    " In order to have a change of fortune at the last minute you have to take your fortune to the last minute...We must do what we can."

    I dont know if you saw the chat room but there are lots of nice people hanging there if you feel lonely and need people to talk to.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 28, 2011
  6. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member


    Let's hope you have enough of a conquesting spirit left to keep your head above the proverbial water. I don't know if there is an immediate solution to what is going on in your life at the moment; You are down on your luck, people have betrayed you, you are potentially homeless and alone. It will take time, patience and the good will of others to help you through this crisis. All I can offer you from here are words of encouragement and friendship.

    Don't lose hope yet, friend, there are good people out there who could lend you a hand and give you the stability you need right now. Keep us posted about what is going on with you. Share your troubles and they'll be halved and all that.

    Take care of yourself
  7. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Damn, Im so sorry you had to go through that. Can you look at it that it make you stronger as a person and that it also made you realize that you never want to be like him.

    Thank you for your time in the service, I love you for taking time out of your life for me.

    My H use to be in the Navy, I understand about the race in there and how they try to hide it. Its a shame that we cant all get alone with eachother regardless of what stupid ideas they have in thier minds. You should feel sorry for them for having to have such an ignorant outlook on life.

    Hold out for that GI Bill, my H also used his to attend college and they helped extra with a monthly check, we actually got around 1000 month in cash, plus school paid for, I hope that helps you.

    Keep fighting, and you can visit your VA to get free counseling and help with doctors in your area that will help you for free, please visit your local VA office and get set up with a guidance counselor there, they may be able to get you something financially to help now.

    Let me know if you need info on that, and I can get my H to tell me how he got it started.

    Again, please know that your life is worth so much more than it has given you and that you need to fight these demons to finally be able to be you, to be free of all that past trauma and really enjoy your life.
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