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I need help, please.

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Hey, this is going to be long, but I feel like I need to let this all out and see what people think and I want to know if anyone has been through a similar experience.
I've had a really hard year, probably going to be one of the hardest years I've ever experience. I know that my problems and stuff thats going on isn't the worst. I mean, I know there are people with worst problems then mine, and I feel guilty in a way that I have food a house a kind of family. And theres people out there my age who have it a lot worse and I don't want to moan and whine. I want to be happy.
First there was a group of friends I had, we were quite popular I guess and they pushed me out of their group for no reason, I didn't fit it any group anymore. My sisters weren't around much, my mum started a rabbit breeding business so she was busy. And my dad had a girlfriend which he was always up round hers. Btw my mum and dad aren't together at all they live in the same house just not together. That's when I got the eating disorder. I think I got it because I felt like I weren't perfect enough for people. Everyone pushed me away. It started out as a diet and just broke down from there. I went to the doctors got sent to Gatland house (child psychology place or whatever you call it) Had to have my weight cheaked weekly and heart pressure checked weekly and stuff.
My weight went really low, I starved myself daily and all that kind of stuff. About Christmas time I realised I had a problem and got better. When you have a eating disorder one of the worst things I found was watching you weight come back and clothes starting to get tight. It was hard. But I thought through it. Though I still can't eat or drink in public. Then I stopped going to school. I can't really put into words why, but I did. It was a fear, the worst fear I felt. I hated it, it scared me so much and I couldn't even explain to people why. I realised that I have social anixety and other problems that I can't quite explain.
My family broke down, we have to go for family sessions. Me and my mum were the worst. We became the most depressed. Me and my mum had arguments regularly, she didn't like the person I became. She took down a photo frame we did for her because she found it hard that I weren't the same person. I changed I wasn't happy anymore. Just depressed, lost, confused and angry. I was very suicidal, I thought about killing myself a lot. And once I tried to. I took a overdose and it made my family matters worse. Then my attendance at school got really bad, and I had to look at a diffrent special needs help kind of school. Then I started to get back on track. I really didn't want to go to the school. It scared me. So I pulled myself together and I went to school, I tried harder. Me and my family got better, I found a new group of friends are awesome and everyone thinks its pretty much over, I'm kinda back to normal.
It's not okay. I know its still there. The depression the anxiety all of it. I afraid that it's going to come back. That it's going to happen again. I still feel alone and unworthy. I'll never be perfect and I think that kills me. I have so much guilt in me. I feel guilty that everyone has to be careful around me, that I still feel this way. That I think about suicide over and over. I still search the internet for things I shouldn't. And I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change this. I feel like I'm not good enough. I'm so lost. What do I do?

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi hun for one thing no one can be perfect we all have faults okay. What you do is what you are doing getting back into the living okay. You are going back to school meeting new friends all positive moves for you. Your self esteem still needs fixing a bit get a therapist a coucillor who can help you with that part.
You should be very proud of you I do hope you have medication to help keep you stable as well hugs to you


Staff Alumni
Hi and welcome...as TE said, no one can ever be perfect, in fact, we are all so imperfect...this is an important thing to remember, because trying to meet a standard that one cannot causes a lot of pain...depression is not something we 'get over'...it is something we have to work through and do so in a way that changes the way we look at many things negatively effected by its hold on us...have you sought professional help to try to work out what you are feeling? Many ppl have found this helpful, myself included...welcome again and I hope you find the support and caring you seek here...J
I know how you feel, when i was 12 i tried to take my own life.
My parents were living apart and i had nothing going for me, everyone at school allways bullied me and i just hated life.
I wish back then i knew what i know now.
Whatever you do don't try to take your own life, there is more to life.
My best advice coming through suicde is to get to a christian church near you, you can find one near you on the web.
I was at the end of my self and didn't know where to turn, i ended up going to a baptist church and listened to what they had to say,or rather what God had to say.
i didn't even know there was a God that loved us because everyone i knew said there was no God.
I listened to the guy speaking one day and he said that God sent his own son Jesus christ to die for us so that we could be reunited back to God, so after the meeting i asked a guy what i had to do to be saved and he gave me a booklet which had what is called the sinners prayer in it, and showed how our sins and unbelief had seprated us from our God.
I took the booklet went back home and into my bedroom and got on my knees and prayed to God to forgive me for all the wrong i had done in my life, i cried out for him to come into my life and that i believed he sent his son jesus christ to die for me to unite me back to him.
I opened my eyes and nothing seemed to happen, i thought oh great my last chance in life and there is no God after all, then while i was still on my knees i heard this voice like nothing i had ever heard before, say to me be patient.
I shrugged it off and got into bed thinking that it was just my imagination, as i lay there in bed wondering where to go from here my bedroom suddenly went very cold and i felt like i couldnt move in my bed, then somthing touched the tip of my toe and what i only can describe as a shineing light stated to make it's way up my legs through my body and then out of the top of my head.
As soon as the light went through my head i knew there was a God and that he loved me, i jumped out of bed feeling like a new person.
The reason i am telling you this is because there is hope, and that hope is in Jesus christ Gods son, most people i told didn't believe me, but i couldn't mistake what God had done in my life.
I had nothing going for me in my life and now no matter what God will look after me and take care of me, in this life and the next.
Get to a bible beliveing church and seek the truth about why your here on this earth, God has a plan all maped out for each of us, but we have to have faith in Jesus christ.
I hope this helps, it helped me when someone told me the truth.
God loves you so much that he gave his Son his only Son that through him you would be united back to God the father of all mankind and creation.
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