I need help. (trigger)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Redink, Dec 21, 2010.

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  1. Redink

    Redink Member

    Be warned before you read this, when I started cutting I had romanticized views of it. Beautiful red blood dripping down fingers.

    Now I am afraid. I typed this without thinking of where I am going. It doesn't explain the why, but the how of my start.

    I need help, and I desperately need someone to talk about with this. I am too afraid to call the phone lines, a human voice would only scare me into lying.

    I started cutting 3 weeks ago.

    I had grabbed a knife from the cupboard and took it with me into the bathroom. I had been taking hot baths for a month or so at that time. Hot enough that I had to fight my body to stay in. Hot enough that when I got out, I would nearly pass out.

    I sat there, naked, in the water as it slowly climbed up my thighs, and past my bulging belly. I stared at the knife, out of place on the side of the bathtub shelf. I took it and I danced it across my skin, watching the skin rise in irritatioin. I planned carefully where I was going to cut, putting it where a watch strap could easily hide it.

    It's just an experiment, I told myself. I need to see how blood flows in water, so I can better illustrate it.

    That first night I didn't draw blood.

    The second night didn't result in any either.

    The knifes weren't working. That third night I had a new plan. I had some mat cutting razors that I had gotten from a garage sale, sharp and rectangular. I took one with me into the bathroom that night.

    I watched it, slipping easily into my skin, and I slowly, sting by sting, drew it across my wrist. The blood welled from the slit. I watched it, wanting it to pool, to drip across my wrist, and to stain the bath water red. It didn't.

    So I tried again the next night. And again and again. The cuts are getting deeper, and sometimes the blood scares me.

    Stopping now would be impossible. I cut 2, 3 times a day. The area under my watch strap looks raw and red. The cuts don't scab, my blade was too clean, but the landscape of my wrist has been changed.

    I need to talk to someone. I romantacize it when I shouldn't like this whole entire post. And I can't get enough of it.

    I didn't know I would crave a razor, the feel of it slitting my skin, but I do and I don't know what to think, and there is no one in my life to turn to.

    Will some one talk with me?
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    as you are quickly learning it will become addictive. be very careful.

    you need to find a good therapist to help you get over this need to cut. no way around it. the reasons we cut are complicated, but almost always are a result of childhood trauma of some kind. it is gonna take a while to address and fix that trauma.

    until you find a therapist read the distractions sticky at the top of this forum. try holding ice until it hurts, snapping a rubber band over the area, drawing on yourself iwth a red magic marker. there are many things that work, but you have to make a real effort to choose a distraction over cutting.

    i'm glad you posted and i hope we can continue this conversation.
  3. Redink

    Redink Member

    There isn't anyway for me to get to a good therapist. I don't have the time, nor the money. I haven't even been found out by anybody yet, and haven't told anybody except for on here.

    Also those coping methods, i've tried them before, well most of them, and they don't work. I used a lot of them already, looking back... They either just remind me of what I have lost as I grew up, such as the drawing on the arms, the ice, or the rubber band, or they are so loud that they draw suspicion to myself.

    I am never truly alone in my life. I cut in the bath because that is the only time I can trust that no one will burst through the door on me.

    But you are right. I need someone to talk to, someone to help me. I just don't know how to got about doing it...
  4. Call the suicide hotline in your country or go see a psychiatrist. stop harming yourself.
  5. acecoffee

    acecoffee Active Member

    tell your parent ? or anyone around you , someone you could trust on . this seem shit advice , but man it work on me ,

    it is a strong addiction and people need to stop it asap .
    i have problem with phone as i have social phobia so i cant use the phone and human's voice scared me as well .

    i was 'lucky' to got discover in college and send into help before it is too late .some people have ref when they are selfharming such as method ,time , location , seems like you pick the bathroom as it is the only place you can do anything in private , if so , try to keep time in public as long as possible . there will be many times you struggle and urges and craves for blade or knife. try to distract yourself as much as possible , what i do instead is i have tons of sugary food instead , it will give a sugar rush (for me ) .

    you are an artist?
    what painting do you do ?
    you can talk to me if you want , pm me or anything :)
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