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I need help with this. (may trigger)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by A_pixie, Sep 15, 2012.

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  1. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    I seriously need help with this.

    Four years ago I got drunk with someone who was a friend at the time, I always had feelings for him and we ended up sleeping together one time, THAT time was consensual.

    As the evening went on it happened again, except this time something was different. Something, I don't fully remember what, but something scared me I think it was the look in his eyes (we were very drunk). It was like it wasn't him. I suddenly got very, very scared and tried to stop it.

    Now, I don't remember all of it but I remember three things that bothers me about what happened. I remember being very frightened and saying to him "you're scaring me!!!" but he carried on. Any decent man would stop if a woman said that to them. I can't remember why I said he was scaring me, but I vaguely remember saying "no" to something. I also remember him roughly making me give him oral sex but I was too drunk and scared to do anything, he basically just grabbed me.

    Why did I say "you're scaring me" and why didn't he stop the moment he heard that? Those questions haunt me to this day. Guys, if a girl was having sex with you and said "you're scaring me!!" wouldn't you stop? I don't fully remember why I said it but I must have been trying to get him to stop.

    I was lying on the ground and I remember him standing over me menacingly, with what looked like a branch. I remember trying to get up thinking what the fuck is going on... and being hit to the ground again by him. I literally got to my feet to stop the whole situation and got knocked back over. The next thing I remember was lying there frightened and having underwear torn off me while trying to think "it will be over soon" like reassuring myself. I don't want to go into it too much, but we were in a park, and I was just lying there with bits of twig and leaves and dirt being pushed into me. I didn't consent to that and I didn't ask for it and I had been knocked to the ground for this to happen.

    He was so drunk I finally got some courage and got away. I basically ran to this bus stop, phoned him and started screaming "What the fuck just happened what did you do to me?!" I confronted him by phone time and time again after that and he insisted "nothing happened" as if I was going mad. I knew something had happened hours after sobering up because my underwear had been torn off. Why would he have to lie to me if he had done nothing wrong?

    I remember lying there the next day thinking "If I didn't love this guy so much, that would have been rape!" Well no, no matter how much you love someone if you say "no" or they do things to you you haven't agreed to, not to mention knocked you to the ground, a clear sign of wanting to get away. I told him I was frightened and that should have been enough not to mention the other stuff!

    Well I didn't want to see it like that. I convinced myself that I had slept with him, and that that was it. I ignored all the other stuff until a news story covered the topic of rape and it brought it all back to me. We had been friends for years you see, I just didn't want to admit what he did to me. I even heard rumours that he was very forceful with a girl who was passing out at a party once, aggressively and persistently trying to touch her up when she was nearly unconscious etc but I didn't believe it at the time.

    It took me so long to realize what that night truly was.

    The problems I am having today are weird feelings of guilt, because I eventually told my parents. I feel like I've hurt them by doing that. I also don't remember the entire thing, but the bits I do remember scream of rape to me. The fact that I don't remember it clearly, but just certain parts clear as day is messing with my head.

    I seriously need help with this guys, it's haunting me :(
  2. truthhurts

    truthhurts Well-Known Member

    hey. sorry this happened to you, and i would very clearly call this rape. one person saying 'no' and the other not respecting that is enough for it to be classifies as that i believe. not to even mention the violence involved. denial is the initial self-defense mechanism as much as i know. tho i'm not sure i cud help u much further, since i have not been in a similar situation. but i still thought i'd at least reply, and i hope u're gonna be okay. if u feel the need, i wud definitely suggest pursueing therapy or the like, to overcome unwanted feelings.

    wishing the best to u^^
  3. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the reply, it means a lot that someone read my post. I have gone to counseling before, and am considering it again, I just want to completely get this out of my system and understand it fully. Because of the circumstances I didn't realize until years later what had happened to me (or didn't acknowledge it) and I think you're right, denial probably was my first reaction.
  4. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Is there anyone out there? :'(
  5. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    I read your post. I'm a guy. If I was having sex with a woman and she said 'you're scaring me' I would stop instantly. It sounds like you got raped. That was entirely his fault but remember to be careful with alcohol to stay safe in the future. Also do you think maybe he drugged you with a 'roofie' (rohypnol) or something? I think some people have dark sides to their personalities you don't notice even if you've been friends with them for a long time.

    I'm a guy and maybe you need help from from a fellow female right now. But I'm a fellow rape victim. I saw you asking if there is anyone out there and so I thought I'd just give you a reply. I hope that helps.
  6. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Your reply really helped me as well as truthhurt's - I'm so sorry it happened to you too and thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. The weird thing is I didn't know it was rape for years (well, I did the next day but I let my feelings for this person cloud my judgement and memory of what really happened). I really needed to hear from a guy also to tell you the truth, because I needed it confirmed that if a woman says that to a guy then he should stop no matter how drunk he is. I don't know it just still doesn't seem real, you know? I knew this guy since we were 15 and this happened when I was 21. The worst part is I sit there thinking "was it or wasn't it?" and have to go through it all in my mind again to understand that is was rape. I have this weird mental block on it that somehow makes me think it was my fault or I'm going mad, but no matter how low my self esteem is that wasn't my fault and I hate having to keep reliving it to understand that.

    As for the roofie part....he was very much into drugs, it's possible. So much of that night is a blur to me, to this day I can't remember exactly where I was in the park or how I got out of there, I just remember getting to the bus stop. I went back to try and jog some memories years later but nothing came back at all.

    A bit of good news is that I've quit drinking completely, I don't like the vulnerable feeling it gives you and the danger I could possibly get in again....so at least I won't have to worry about being drunk and vulnerable in the future.
  7. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    I'm glad my reply helped you.
  8. Struggler_

    Struggler_ Active Member

    This isn't an excuse for his behavior, but if he was drunk too, try to consider it. If your behavior was at all altered by alcohol, so was his. Again, no excuse in even the slightest for his behavior that night, but perhaps an excuse for his behavior as a person? It's really hard to judge the behavior of someone on a night of drunken intercourse....also consider that you may not have been yourself when you told him that he was scaring you? I'm not accusing you of anything, or trying to blame you for whatever may have occurred...I'm just trying to understand each of your frames of mind.

    For instance, my ex and I would have sex all the time on mushrooms, despite my ex's inability to handle them well, and tendency to "freak out." Did we still have sex? Yes, always. Did she sometimes say things similar to the things a rape victim would say? Yes. Did I ever once force her in any way shape or form? No. Not at all. They were words. Only. Sometimes when we're not in a sober frame of mind things come out of us that we don't really mean to. Please consider that, for him, and for yourself.

    Again, I'm legitimately not trying to make an excuse for him because I'm a guy. Rape is arguably the worst crime around, with murder being the only contender. I would never condone it if it were real, but please, for the sake of the young man that you believe raped you's future, think about what happened. If he really forced himself on you, it's wrong and people should know. If it was the result of mixed or misunderstood signals on his part, I hope you give this further thought. Not every drunken moron needs his entire life ruined because he was an asshole one night.

    That still sounded wrong. It's hard phrasing this right without taking the guy's side completely, or just sounding like an ass. Oh well.
  9. truthhurts

    truthhurts Well-Known Member

    Struggler -> u have a clear point, and it also clarifies why she herself would doubt as to what that night was. i think your case and her's differ quite a bit though. points in her case: 1. being knocked down while trying to physically get away/run away, 2. all the other 'sexual bits' that i myself for example would not rly consider just 'rough sex' [referring mainly to the park stuff], 3. there's a chance she might've drugged without her knowing that.

    i do get your point though, but it seems to me that this is a tid bit more than just 'words'.
  10. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    I tried to get away I remember that part clearly. I looked him dead in the eye and said "you're scaring me" there is no way he couldn't have heard me. I was very, very scared and I remember that part, I meant what I said. And when you and your ex girlfriend were together, did you ever knock her to the floor when she freaked out and carry on? Because that's what happened to me.

    Also, he was one of my best friends for six years, and then afterwards, not only did he say "nothing happened" on the phone - wouldn't even acknowledge it, but he disappeared and never contacted me again, that smacks of a guilty conscience to me.

    Why would my best mate for years just vanish all of a sudden if he had done nothing wrong?
  11. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    At least you had a chance of getting away. At least you were grown up when it happened. At least you could understand what was happening. I didn't have any of that. I was raped by my father when I was four fucking years old. I'm sorry. Struggling to stay alive right now. The only thing that's stopping me from stabbing myself in the fucking aorta is the grief it would cause to my sister. She's in India teaching 80 children at a time right now. She loves me. If I kill myself I destroy her life. So I have to stay alive even though I don't want to.
  12. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    Got wasted last night. Was feeling fine. Then suddenly my mind went to a very dark place and I wrote the above message. Feeling better now. Just hungover.
  13. truthhurts

    truthhurts Well-Known Member

    good to kno u're feeling better now. feel free to vent here whenever, and hope we can help you.

    wish you the best
  14. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    Thanks truthhurts. I'm sorry to Pixie for suggesting her experience wasn't as bad as mine. We're both rape victims there's no competition. I say stupid things when I'm drunk. Difficult to stop drinking once I've started. Certainly been regretting it today. I can barely remember writing that message. I don't really know how I managed to I could barely get up the stairs.
  15. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    botnin2choas, I have said SUCH stupid things when I've been drunk, so honestly don't worry about that - I think when bad things have happened to people, often a lot of anger will just erupt out of nowhere when get drunk because when we are sober, the anger is easier to control, and after we have been drinking the anger takes an opportunity to make an escape, that's my theory on it.

    I've stopped drinking because of it, I was getting dangerously out of control and depressants don't agree with me full stop because of my adhd. I have found something weird actually that gives me a bit of a buzz (totally legal!) they are called magnesium tablets, you can get them in any health shop and I take them daily - it definitely helps.

    Weirdly, sometimes I feel guilty when I feel happy because I think "I could have handled the rape myself, why did I tell my parents and make them depressed?" another reoccurring thought is "Why am I happy if that happened to me?" I mean I have described word for word what happened to me and although some days are very hard, I do have happier days, usually when I'm around people. But I feel guilty for being happy, randomly, I heard that is a sign of depression feeling guilty for things that aren't your fault, but the magnesium helps me with this.
  16. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    Thanks Pixie. You did nothing wrong in telling your parents. It's natural to seek help.

    I've never heard of using Magnesium tablets. I get Zopiclone from my Doctor. She prescribes them for insomnia. But I like to take them in the afternoon and enjoy the effects during the evening. They're addictive though and she'll only give me a few. I used to smoke weed but that gave me a racing heart rate.

    Sometimes I remember one of the many amazingly dumb things I've done in my life and I feel bad. But it makes me feel better to think about what happened to me in my childhood and remind myself that it was inevitable I was going to mess things up a lot with that trauma in my life at such an early stage.

    Don't feel guilty for being happy. Take all the happiness you can get! Life can sometimes hand out happiness as sparingly as my Doctor hands out Zopiclone tablets!
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