I have been struggling with depression since I was little. I am 15 now, as of a few weeks ago. It began around the time of my parent's divorce, at age 3, when drugs and alcohol began to be more of a factor in my life. The divorce happened shortly after my mom realized my dad was smoking pot and driving me all over the state. There were no "hard" drugs, for the most part, at least not within my family. I grew up seeing my parents at different times of the week. They were both drinking, and I never tried to pay attention to how drunk they really were. My dad was poor, my mom was rich. My mother was very materialistic, she loved all the fancy luxuries of a suburban, middle-class standard of living. My dad was the opposite, he lived in the ghetto, smoked(mostly cigs), and pretty much rejected anything my mom would like. Its like they were completely different in every way. Except that neither of them always were able to put food on my table. Or willing. Therefore, they were always trying to talk down about the other. I grew very indifferent...I began repressing memories, be they experiences with...unpleasant...family members or incidents where I realized just how wrong the world around me was. It wasnt the worst childhood in the world, at least I had a roof/roofs over my head. When I started school the situation began to decline. There were very few people in my life who were remotely close to "friends", so the majority of my Childhood was spent isolated. My parents would not allow me to participate in any extracaricular activities, they couldnt cooperate enough to allow it to fit into either of their schedules. My dad would never be around when I asked for him, when someone picked on me, when I was hurt. He pretty much has left me to decide how to be a man(or what a "man" really is) completely on my own. I had to lead an intrapersonal life, especially through elementaty school. Some years, it was impossible to get along with anybody. I was so young, I had NO support, and basically another stressor(considering that I was involved in some of the seedy things my dad was doing)at every moment of my life. My addictive personality began to surface, I believe, around age seven. I'd bite my nails. Since around then, I will occasionaly shake for no apparent reason. When I am alone or if I am sitting, I will rock back and forth. Once I caught myself humming. Very concerning if you are a school teacher. Children should not be in fetal positions. But, I wasnt aware of that at the time. My teacher at the time, would frequently check to see if something was wrong, and when she talked to my mother, she said I resemble many victims of abuse. I wasnt aware of that being anything serious at the time. I played video games very frequently, not for the reasons most do though. I'd play a game where I could hear another voice of a person, because it made me feel like someone was there. When I was 10, I moved to Colorado with my mother. She pretended life was better, my dad pretended he'd been a father to me, and I pretended I was happy. I couldnt keep it up. I was emotional. I felt out of place, never at peace. I'd lay down in my room, and be angry for no reason. I believe I cried once at the smell of gasoline, the reason for this I am not aware of. I tried hard as I could to be normal, went through middle school, and no improvement was made. Im in high school and have some friends now, mostly women. It seems impossible to be on a substantial level of friendship with another male. It just feels wrong to me. Despite this, I have never been capable of having a romantic relationship with anyone, and my self esteem has suffered because of it. They try to help me, but it just hasnt worked. Someone not even capable of having their first kiss is an amazing person? Not a very easy thing for me to believe. Ive been smoking weed, simply because it is the safest drug(moreso than alcohol and cigs), and honestly, it really helps me deal with how hard my life is right now. I cant truly describe or explain just how hard things have been. This is just a taste, of so many millions of things that have gone wrong. Today I had my first cigarette. I know this is a sign things are going downhill, seeing as how my depression has become more and more severe. Ive attempted suicide, and I'm having thoughts of trying again. Ive started drinking a little bit, the only reason i dont drink more is because of my parents. And how much I have grown to hate them. I know I've been wounded for life, and that my options are running out. Please forgive me, I left many things out, this is a lot of typing for me. I'd rather not kill myself. I'm hoping somebody on here has some really really good advice for me. And no anti-weed speeches please, it would be much appreciated. Thank you, Grant.