I need help, would somebody please give me some advice?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Grant, Jul 11, 2009.

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  1. Grant

    Grant Active Member

    I have been struggling with depression since I was little. I am 15 now, as of a few weeks ago.

    It began around the time of my parent's divorce, at age 3, when drugs and alcohol began to be more of a factor in my life. The divorce happened shortly after my mom realized my dad was smoking pot and driving me all over the state. There were no "hard" drugs, for the most part, at least not within my family. I grew up seeing my parents at different times of the week. They were both drinking, and I never tried to pay attention to how drunk they really were. My dad was poor, my mom was rich. My mother was very materialistic, she loved all the fancy luxuries of a suburban, middle-class standard of living. My dad was the opposite, he lived in the ghetto, smoked(mostly cigs), and pretty much rejected anything my mom would like. Its like they were completely different in every way. Except that neither of them always were able to put food on my table. Or willing. Therefore, they were always trying to talk down about the other. I grew very indifferent...I began repressing memories, be they experiences with...unpleasant...family members or incidents where I realized just how wrong the world around me was. It wasnt the worst childhood in the world, at least I had a roof/roofs over my head.

    When I started school the situation began to decline. There were very few people in my life who were remotely close to "friends", so the majority of my Childhood was spent isolated. My parents would not allow me to participate in any extracaricular activities, they couldnt cooperate enough to allow it to fit into either of their schedules. My dad would never be around when I asked for him, when someone picked on me, when I was hurt. He pretty much has left me to decide how to be a man(or what a "man" really is) completely on my own. I had to lead an intrapersonal life, especially through elementaty school. Some years, it was impossible to get along with anybody. I was so young, I had NO support, and basically another stressor(considering that I was involved in some of the seedy things my dad was doing)at every moment of my life. My addictive personality began to surface, I believe, around age seven. I'd bite my nails. Since around then, I will occasionaly shake for no apparent reason. When I am alone or if I am sitting, I will rock back and forth. Once I caught myself humming. Very concerning if you are a school teacher. Children should not be in fetal positions. But, I wasnt aware of that at the time. My teacher at the time, would frequently check to see if something was wrong, and when she talked to my mother, she said I resemble many victims of abuse. I wasnt aware of that being anything serious at the time. I played video games very frequently, not for the reasons most do though. I'd play a game where I could hear another voice of a person, because it made me feel like someone was there. When I was 10, I moved to Colorado with my mother. She pretended life was better, my dad pretended he'd been a father to me, and I pretended I was happy. I couldnt keep it up. I was emotional. I felt out of place, never at peace. I'd lay down in my room, and be angry for no reason. I believe I cried once at the smell of gasoline, the reason for this I am not aware of. I tried hard as I could to be normal, went through middle school, and no improvement was made. Im in high school and have some friends now, mostly women. It seems impossible to be on a substantial level of friendship with another male. It just feels wrong to me. Despite this, I have never been capable of having a romantic relationship with anyone, and my self esteem has suffered because of it. They try to help me, but it just hasnt worked. Someone not even capable of having their first kiss is an amazing person? Not a very easy thing for me to believe. Ive been smoking weed, simply because it is the safest drug(moreso than alcohol and cigs), and honestly, it really helps me deal with how hard my life is right now. I cant truly describe or explain just how hard things have been. This is just a taste, of so many millions of things that have gone wrong.
    Today I had my first cigarette. I know this is a sign things are going downhill, seeing as how my depression has become more and more severe. Ive attempted suicide, and I'm having thoughts of trying again. Ive started drinking a little bit, the only reason i dont drink more is because of my parents. And how much I have grown to hate them. I know I've been wounded for life, and that my options are running out. Please forgive me, I left many things out, this is a lot of typing for me.

    I'd rather not kill myself. I'm hoping somebody on here has some really really good advice for me. And no anti-weed speeches please, it would be much appreciated.

    Thank you,
  2. Grant

    Grant Active Member

    Does anyone have any advice?
  3. Necromanti

    Necromanti Well-Known Member

    I'm certainly in no position to give out any meaningful/coherent advice, but you have my support.

    I feel like I can relate, despite the fact that my situation is different. While my parents got divorced when I was around 7 or 8, they still lived with each other (since my mom needed money, and due to the country we are in, my dad is only allowed to sponsor my mom if they are married).
    My dad was never there for me, and even today, he is completely non-existent in my life. As much as I hate my father, I can still be civil and just ignore him. I've decided that he's no longer a part of my life, and I am at peace with that. Facing all your troubles alone is definitely a difficult task, but as damaged as it has left me, I feel like I am more independent and stronger than my parents could ever be.

    You're only 15 years old, so you don't have to worry about getting romantically involved right away. I'm 18 and have not had a relationship due to certain issues, but I can live with that. Heck, I haven't even had my true "first kiss" yet. The most important thing for you now is to surround yourself with good friends, who make you feel better about yourself, and who you enjoy spending time with. Finding a true romantic relationship happens later on in your life.

    Since you're so young, that means it is not too late. No matter what your age is, it is never truly too late, but all the better that you're still young. While you have gone through emotional hell and the despair of loneliness, it will only get worse with time and do serious lasting damage if it is left to fester. Find a way to see a therapist/psychiatrist so you can get counseling and/or medication. Don't kill yourself before you've had the chance to live your life.

    Perhaps someone else will be able to give you more meaningful advice...
    I just felt like saying something, despite how muddled my mind is and how tired I am. :tongue:
    If you feel that sometimes it can take a while to get a response, don't worry about it. Sometimes the traffic is slow here, and sometimes people don't know what to say right away.
  4. The Groop

    The Groop Member

    You wouldn't want my advice, because I am sorry I didn't succed in killing myself when I was 16, instead have endured another 40 odd years of pain.
  5. hotaruyuki90

    hotaruyuki90 Well-Known Member

    I think it's really hard to give you some good advice because I don't know what would make you feel better... But I can tell how I feel about myself in my situation. Maybe it will help...

    I had my first really severe depresion when I was about 12-13 years old. I know it may sound strange but this is the truth. I think I just grew up too fast...
    I always had a feeling that I'm the black sheep of the family, that no one cares about me. There were always more important or interesting things to do than to be with me. There was no playing, talking or showing any feelings even when I was a little kid. My father has nevver approved my grades even though I tried really hard to make him proud of me. He has never told me that he loved me. Same with my mother. She has never really asked me: hey, how was your day?" or talked with my about my emotions or feelings. That hurts. How can I be loved by anybody when my own parents act like they don't love me?
    I feel like I have always been alone in the house full of people...

    I'm 19 now and I still feel the same, though there are some times when I feel better. These times are the moments when I start to realize that I live just for myself, not for my parents, not for anyone else. Yeah, you can call that a little egocentric but it helps me to keep trying. I often say to myself: 'yeah, you have their genes, maybe that determines you a little, but why can't you just try to show them that you can be different? You know that there will be many obstacles but this is just how the life is. You have to fight, so later, even it doesn't work out, you can be proud of yourself because you did everything you could. You tried, so you are better'. You can say these words are obvious and everybody knows about it, but any words/thoughts that make you feel better are good. You just have to think about what you really want and try your best to do it. You have only one life. Don't waste it on people that hurt you. You can be a lonely island, like me, or you can find a bunch of people that will accept you as the person you are. Do whatever you feel is good for you. This is your life and you're the only person who can do something about it. Others can destroy it only when you let them to do it. You should remember about it.

    Best wishes
    and take care :)
  6. lacsar

    lacsar New Member

    First, give yourself a break.....you've been through a lot......at your age you haven't had the chance to develop ways of coping with it all.....i can't really recomend drug use - but honestly if smoking a little weed works for the anxiety it's probably less dangerous than anything else - including pharmacueticals a doctor may prescribe......the danger there is developing the habit of using to cope - a very dangerous road to travel - and at your age especially.....your obviously have alot of pain from your experience(s) and no avenue to start healing it - the pretending part is the worst - it's not your fault, my family was the same way - pretend everything is ok - it is madening - - - you have to find some way(s) to cope - first.... get out and get some exercise......when you find yourself getting anxious go for a walk....grab a bottle of water and go - - it will help relieve the anxiety, give you a break from the situation, help you see there's a whole world out there working in some kind of balance, i could go on - but just try it.......you should give yourself a good walk everyday - before you start getting too antsy - it will likely help preclude getting to the point where your shaking and rocking......

    also you need to find some support and someone you can trust to talk to....you may need to accept your family is unhelathy in their methods and choose to do do things differently yourself.....it may not be easy finding someone, and it's certainly scary - but there is someone out there.....and you need to talk about these things - if no one in your immediate family is approachable how about an aunt, uncle, older cousin or family friend - if they're not close by pick up the phone - or maybe a school counselor, maybe a priest or clergy person - you don't have to get caught up in the religion quagmire - but keeping all these thoughts and feelings bottled up will drive you crazy - just getting it off your chest with someone who will listen will be a lot of help - and they will likely know of resources in your area where you can get some help or/and help you come up with other options ....

    biggest thing is DON"T do anything drastic - you WILL get through this - you WILL make good friends - you WILL have girlfriends - you WILL be happy
    your whole life is ahead of you - look forward to it - you can do anything you want with it - there is a way to heal the pain and you WILL find it......there is no doubt about it.....
  7. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    i hope you're feeling better hun :hug: try to stay strong
    if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me :heart:
    triggs xx
  8. spirit

    spirit Member


    I'm also going through a terrible time at the moment, as you might have seen from my other posts, so I can relate. I really can. I too didn't have a girlfriend till I was 25. I was the same as you. You've got the find your life. Stop worrying about what bad parents you had. It's your life now. You can do it. You can find your niche, make your life.

    Good luck. Feel free to pm me if you'd like. Would be great to hear from you.
  9. Grant

    Grant Active Member

    First off, thank you all for your support. :)

    Everything you all said was helpful, or at least really thoughtful or nice.
    Im not really, sure what else to say, so thanks again! I hope things get better soon.
  10. momeick

    momeick Member

    It sounds to me that you've been incredibly strong through this first part of your life. It will take some work, but you can make the rest of your life what YOU want it to be. Take this bull by the horns and decide how you want to live. You seem like an articulate kid; you can do it! Be resourceful and reach out to responsible adults for help. Make smart decisions that will get you where you want to be. Don't let your difficult upbringing hold you back. Use it to propel you forward! You can do it!
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