I need help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bakersdawnpatrol, Jan 30, 2013.

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  1. Bakersdawnpatrol

    Bakersdawnpatrol New Member

    I am here because I have always managed depression. I am currently unemployed and sober. I work in armed security and I was fired because I had to draw my weapon to defend myself when 5 guys attempted to attack me. I didn't even point it at anyone or say anything threatening, just "stop!" over and over until I had to draw my weapon. Now I am looking for a new job and my landlord found roommates- a pimp and his prostitute girlfriend. They are actually very nice and cool and obviously in love with each other. I am jealous of this couple- they sit around and get high all day and make alot of money while i try to do the right thing and i am sober and lonely and broke and no job. I have been sober for a while now and they are smoking weed in the house. Also, my most recent ex girlfriend recently started talking to me again only to tell me that she is seeing someone new. I still love her. Ive been sending her letters and i thought she was finally replying to tell me that she still loves me but its just the opposite. My first girlfriend ( different person) cheated on me before and while I was in the army and we were engaged. My dad hid all the guns so I wouldn't do anything drastic. Right now I'm afraid that I will lose my firearms licenses just for being on this website. I sleep with my pistol, loaded. I love shooting. I love yoga and martial arts and living healthy. i love myself too. I'm just so lonely and my heart hurts all the time. I moved to this town for this job and I don't know anyone here and now I'm unemployed and my life could fall apart in days. I can't afford a therapist. I was kicked out of the army because I went AWOL (absent without leave) in order to break up with my first girlfriend/ ex fiancé and avoid being deployed because I was afraid and my peyote ant was talking about killing civilians and putting drop weapons on their bodies, taking pictures and writing up the paperwork to say that they were terrorists. I was not ok with that... I turned myself in after my unit deployed without me and was sentenced to 6 months hard labor and then kicked out. I get no benefits. My prostitute roommate makes more money that I did working full time as an armed patrol supervisor. I feel like my life is a joke and that I am a disgraced, dishonorable failure and a stain on my family name. I feel like I am too ugly inside and out for a woman to love me. In other cultures people like me are EXPECTED to kill themselves- japanese seppuku, the Indian kashatria warrior castes. I even went to the gay bar but I don't feel attracted to men, though everyone seems to find me very attractive there. I stay busy with yoga and martial arts and going to the gym. I have been trying to gain weight in muscle and I have gained 15 pounds since October 2012, I'm happy about that. But every time I see a woman looking at me I wonder if she is just a slut or if I am being egotistical and I have trouble meeting new people. I met a nice girl when I moved here but she wanted to fuck other people and she did. Then after that she wanted to date just me and I told her no. I have a bit of self respect left, or maybe it's just anger towards women in general. I've never cheated on a woman I've loved. Anyway, I hope someone will talk to me. I want to say more but I'm afraid that if I am too honest I will lose my licenses and ability to work in security. I was raised to fight and shoot and its all I know. I am a yoga teacher but there's no money in that. I do love yoga though. I'd love to meet a yogini, a woman who does yoga and date a girl like that.
     
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