It's been a while since I've been here. I come here when I'm at my most vulnerable and when I'm feeling lost and alone and noone understands me. I wish I was an active member of this Forum, but I can never stick to one thing, and I am afraid of detachment from people so I never let myself get too close. (I have Borderline Personality Disorder may I add. It is not out of selfishness) I apologize in advance if this turns into a novel, and if some of it makes no sense or has bad grammar. Im a blubbering mess, and its 4 in the morning. But please take the time to read it so I know that someone out there gives a shit. And I apologize if anyone has seen any of my previous threads and if I repeat myself again. I have been struggling for years with depression and anxiety, and I was diagnosed last year with BPD, which explains ALOT. But basically, for the past couple of months my moods have been up and down constantly. With running out of medication, being introduced to new medication. Whatever. I'm currently off one of the medications Im meant to be taking, and too broke to get another lot. So I'm pretty depressed/suicidal at the moment. And feel more alone then ever. I feel like noone understands me. My family knows of my Mental Illness, and it feels like the novelty has worn off for them. They were concerned the first time i was admitted into hospital, and they were slightly concerned the second time. But now when I snap at them, or I sit in my room days on end, or constantly sleep. It's always 'Stop being so lazy' or 'put a smile on your face'. I currently Manage a retail shop, even though I have my own demons to overcome, and even though I hate social interaction with people, I have somehow managed to keep this job. Even though Ive had numerous breakdowns and outbursts at work. And my family doesn't appreciate the fact that I work my absolute ass off, as a distraction. If I'm left alone, I feel like this. I would much rather sleep while I'm not working so I don't have to feel the emotional suffering that I do. I also hear voices, or sounds, that makes me think that someone is watching me outside my windows so it's hard for me to sleep at night. I feel like someone is standing outside my window right now watching me type this. These paranoid thoughts are a constant thing and it's starting to drive me insane. If im out in public, everyone is staring at me and judging me. If I have to go out shopping or something, I go alone, which makes it worse for me. I dont even bother asking anyone to come with me out of fear of rejection. I'm stuck in a rut, thinking 'whats the fucking point? Noone will miss me when Im gone. If im sitting in my room by myself, and noone asks me to hang out with them, noone wants to take me on a date, noone cares where i am, then whats the point of me living a life that I hate so much?' I tried positive thinking last week, I tried convincing myself that I was going to change, and do things that I wanted to do, and get rid of toxic people in my life. I had one of my customers at work tell me I looked happier, then the novelty wore off for me and the day after she had asked what had happened to the happy girl yesterday, my reply was 'She doesnt exist, I was lying to myself'. I havent self harmed in a while, and I'm really finding it hard to contain myself from doing so. I chucked my weapon of choice somewhere I cant remember. Maybe it was the right thing to do at the time, but I cant breathe at the moment without that physical release. I've found myself digging pens into my wrist at work. Not breaking the skin, just feeling that physical release. I used to do it alot in highschool. Old habits die hard I guess. I feel really fat and ugly, like no-one likes me or wants to be my friend/boyfriend. However, as people with BPD would know, you either really idolize someone, or you despise them. Well im starting to despise the whole male race. I almost glassed a guy over the weekend for acting like a pig towards me. A girl I was with had to hold me back with force. I could be in prison right now instead of writing this. My outbursts are starting to scare me and those around me. They are getting more severe, the more I bottle up my emotions. I just really dont know who I am, who I can trust, where Im going, what I want to do. No-one wants me around. And im tired of lying to myself saying 'someone out there does love you'. If they loved me, they would prove they love me, knowing full-well that I hate myself and my life and I want out. I'm pretty tempted to admit myself into hospital, because the depression is starting to get to that point again. I keep an object in my closet for comfort. Noone knows about it except a doctor I spoke to when I was admitted the first time. Its just there so that I know if i need it, I can get it. Im hoping it doesnt get to that point. Im just really scared. Im scared of whats waiting for me on the other side. Will I be accepted into heaven given all the bad things ive done? I recently wrote a letter to myself trying to justify my emotions. You might even want to share it with loves ones so they have a better understanding: How do you explain depression to someone whos life is sunshine and rainbows? Imagine you are trapped under ice. You can't breathe. You are fighting desperately to escape. You see the light through the ice, above you, but you can't reach the warmth it can provide. The more you try, the deeper you sink down into the darkness. The more you sink, the colder it gets. The colder it gets, the more you would favour death than to feel the pain you are enduring. Yours sincerely, Worthless.