I need help.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mopedimus, Mar 6, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Mopedimus

    Mopedimus New Member

    I am a 30+ male who has a good job as a leader and engineer, a wife who I have previously treated unfairly and now only stays with me for the sake of our daughter, was recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (DSM-IV)/Autism Spectrum Disorder(DSM-V). I had a previous suicide attempt in 2006 (before I had a family), and am recovering from perfectionism. I have been having non-stop suicidal ideations since I was promoted last fall, and despite the fact that those at work have all offered to be someone to talk to, I don't feel I can. Twice, my above conditions have almost had me reassigned to other jobs, and I have mostly convinced them it's not an issue. I really care about the people that work for me and don't want to let them down. I also feel that some of my fellow leaders may think if this keeps coming up that I may be faking it or something. Since last fall, I have been in a group therapy for anxiety with an emphasis on CBT, as well as a personal therapist, and a psychiatrist. I am on the maximum dose for a medication that is supposed to help with anxiety and depression, and for a while, it seemed to help, but I feel like the effect has worn off. I don't feel like I can even talk to my one long distance friend or my wife about it. All I know is I have been dealing with this depression and self loathing since I was in my teens and while I know the tagline is "it's only temporary pain," how long does one have to go before it's admitted to be chronic, lasting pain. The only thing really keeping me going is my wonderful 2 year old daughter, but even now I wonder how much longer I can do this.

    I want to want to [sic] live, I just really want to stop feeling this horrible. Every time that I feel like I've failed something at work, I beat myself up. Today, I came home from work and started punching myself in the head.

    I am willing to try anything positive to fix myself so that I can be functional again. I would prefer to be alive and a good father and husband, I just have been in this for over two decades, and it becomes real easy to think that nothing will change.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Mopedimus i hear your sadness has your doctor tried add ons to your medication that will increase the affects of your antidepressant please ask you doc abt that ok Your little girl hun she will always need you dad to be there to hug her and love her ok I am sorry you are struggling never ever give up ok
  3. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Hello Mopedimus,
    I am sorry to hear about the thoughts you are currently having. I would definitely speak with your doctor about them. I have had to change medications because of this same thing. A med that worked in the past no longer works and a new one does. So please speak with your doctor about it, sometimes the change in the med is enough for suicidal ideation, or at least it has been for me. I beat myself up as well for things, makes us good employees as the boss never needs to tell us we did something wrong, we do that to ourselves. :(
    The problem is that our thinking is overly critical, counter productive, and generally inaccurate, at least it is for me. Therapy helps me with this. I hope you may find some treatments that will allow you to quit beating up on yourself. I know you are all ready trying some of this and that is awesome. Keep working on yourself and seeking help. It is very difficult, I know, but it is what we have to do to train our minds to be kinder to ourselves. Wishing you better days.
  4. gren

    gren New Member

    The medication roller coaster. I have been on that ride. A pill doesn't fix life but since you are living for your daughter you should actually try to live. My kids are all grown now and it was worth it to live for them. Now I only stay alive so my youngest daughter doesn't have to find the body. Let your 2-year-old learn how to live by your example, even if you fake it. And if you can, get out of the bad marriage. My kids who are in their 20s now tell me they wish we had divorced when they were small instead of waiting till they were 18. Married for 23 years to an alcoholic, but 18 of them were bad. I thought I was staying for the kids and now they say I did it wrong (of course I did.) So if you are truly staying alive for your daughter, then actually do some living. Plaster a smile on there even if it is fake. And don't stay in the marriage and teach her how to live with someone you don't love. Teach her how to leave an unhealthy relationship and get something better. That's a more important life skill than teaching her how to live miserably, which is what you are doing. I know. All 3 of my kids blame me for their failures and you don't want to know how that feels...if you make it that long.

    Paxil kept the fake smile on my face for the longest time. Not the hippest but it worked. Good luck.
  5. Mopedimus

    Mopedimus New Member

    I will call for an appointment to reconsider my medication situation. I am not a fan of docs and even less so of meds, but I have been taking mine as prescribed, and early on, the max dosage did help.

    I am overly critical. There was a time when that drove me to succeed, though I feel that time has passed. I have a good CBT app, though my issue with it is that when it comes to filling in another way to look at the problem, I tend to goto where I have already mind-mapped to. Being kind to myself would be great, considering I have nothing but loathing towards myself.

    As stated above I will ask for an adjustment; quite truthfully my daughter is the only thing that keeps me going. Even my wife recently asked me what she was supposed to tell my daughter when she asked "daddy home?" if I ended my life.

    I apologize if I was not clear in my OP, but I was the one who caused the marriage troubles. Over the first 3 years of our marriage, I was just an general a-hole, and no matter how long my wife tried to fix it, I wouldn't change until she threatened to leave. I have since done a complete change and begun treating her the way she always deserved, but I fear I may have changed too late. It has been a year since I became a better person, yet my wife still spends as little time with me as possible and has admitted she lost feelings for me (I still and have always had feelings for her). It has certainly hurt the problem in that many days I feel she only stays because I am a good father, but she has created a situation where we haven't tried for any more children. It makes it easy in my mind to justify that if I did hurt myself, she would be free of me without going through the agony of divorce. I do wish I could make better amends with her and prove to her that I truly have changed for the better. She has made my life better, certainly in the times when we got along.

    All, thank you very much for your posts. It is useful to talk to absolute strangers, especially those in a similar situation.

    Very Respectfully,

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.