I am a 30+ male who has a good job as a leader and engineer, a wife who I have previously treated unfairly and now only stays with me for the sake of our daughter, was recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (DSM-IV)/Autism Spectrum Disorder(DSM-V). I had a previous suicide attempt in 2006 (before I had a family), and am recovering from perfectionism. I have been having non-stop suicidal ideations since I was promoted last fall, and despite the fact that those at work have all offered to be someone to talk to, I don't feel I can. Twice, my above conditions have almost had me reassigned to other jobs, and I have mostly convinced them it's not an issue. I really care about the people that work for me and don't want to let them down. I also feel that some of my fellow leaders may think if this keeps coming up that I may be faking it or something. Since last fall, I have been in a group therapy for anxiety with an emphasis on CBT, as well as a personal therapist, and a psychiatrist. I am on the maximum dose for a medication that is supposed to help with anxiety and depression, and for a while, it seemed to help, but I feel like the effect has worn off. I don't feel like I can even talk to my one long distance friend or my wife about it. All I know is I have been dealing with this depression and self loathing since I was in my teens and while I know the tagline is "it's only temporary pain," how long does one have to go before it's admitted to be chronic, lasting pain. The only thing really keeping me going is my wonderful 2 year old daughter, but even now I wonder how much longer I can do this. I want to want to [sic] live, I just really want to stop feeling this horrible. Every time that I feel like I've failed something at work, I beat myself up. Today, I came home from work and started punching myself in the head. I am willing to try anything positive to fix myself so that I can be functional again. I would prefer to be alive and a good father and husband, I just have been in this for over two decades, and it becomes real easy to think that nothing will change. Thank you for taking the time to read this.