i need help

[kadashis blood]

i going insane

i cant do this....i cant keep going on.

it hurts so much...so so much. i wan tto throw mysel fin to trafic. i keep waking away from trafic and cars adn trains and rivvers because im afraid of myself. this pain...its so much. im hyperventalating. i cant think. i want to go, die. i just cant do this. i want to die.

i feal so dead already. but it hurts. so much. i feal like i cant go on. i just cant. i dont know what else to say. i need somone, anyone to help me. just to say im nto alone. i cant cry. i cant. it wil show im weak. but im not weak. im strong. who cares if my dad is basicly abondoning me and my family. who cares if mom just quit her ejob and got of ati depresents. who cares if im all alone. who cares.

i can be big. ill get a job. or ill talk to dad. both. ill get through school. ill be happy then. when i can fix it all, on my own, ill be happy.

....but ills til be alone. no one knows me. no one knows me as me. im just bright, or strong, or carismatic, or kind, or sensitive, or strong, or weak, or anythign else you could say! im mean, selfish, and shortsighted! IM FUCKING EVERYTHING YOU WANT ME TO BE!!!!

but im by myself at the end of the day.

my bigest fear is to die alone, and the reason why this is my bigest fear...

is because it will probibly be what wil happen to me.

my dads going. my mom is still trying to learn to know me. and when he leaves...ill be alone.

 

[ace]

Dear kadashi you're hurting very badly I know this feeling,I'm not just typing this or saying these thing's because I'm another face on a computer but I know what you're going through.My suggestion is you try to get yourself to hospital or emergency department as soon as possible because you're in far to much pain.I wish I was closer I would do what i can for you but It's so obvious you're in danger.
You don't have to ride this through do you have a crisis number you can call?An emergency number?please do this you're obvious hurting that bad I'm worried because I can suggest so much but you don't have to keep suffering.Especially if you're feeling in so much pain and danger of really doing yourself serious harm you have to get help and tell them how serious you're.

 

[Esmeralda]

Crying is not a weakness. It is having the courage to be able to acknowledge your true feelings and express them accordingly. When Lazerus died, Jesus wept, and He more than anyone knew the beauty and joy of a life beyond this one. It is a human expression, one of the most beautiful and heartfelt of reactions to human agony. Never feel ashamed of it. Do not be afraid.

 

[kadashis blood]

thank you people. i called a hotline last night and i was able to calm down enough to actualy think. i have been reading a book called "being peace". origionaly it was a book asigned to read for my philosiphy class in school, but now it is somthign i myself am enjoying adn trying to integrate into my life. i have realized that my mind is constantly in a state of fear or depresion, that i myself have little control over me. i m beging to see what i want to do wiht my life...

im planing on, among other things, taking up meditation. and ive thought about this a little, but i think i may want to got o a meditation center for a while. this is all just thought proces for now, but i find that learning to thik things through and slowly understanding the relationship between myself and the world as a whole is somthign ive always wanted to do. pluss, mroe then anything, i need this for psychological suport. honestly, i hope to change muyself. and i think i can learn to be me and not fear being alone.

^_^ thank you to those who posted adn who cared enough to say somthing.

 

[Esmeralda]

Good for you. It sounds like you are really moving in a positive direction. Since you are considering meditation, you might also try yoga. It really makes you feel peaceful and relaxed.

 

[gentlelady]

I hope things work out for you kadishi. It is good that you are tring to gain an understanding of how you feel and take steps to try and overcome it. Please let us know how things are going for you. I wish you success. :hug:

 

[painfulbliss]

hey there hun whats up long time no see. if u wanna call me PM me hun. i know what ur going through on the traffic thing. but hun crying doesnt show weakness it shows ur human. and im glad that u called the hotline u have more guts than i do. well il talk to u later. please take care of ur self hun.