I'm sorry if this turns out to be super long, but even if nobody reads or replies, it's probably good to write it all down at least. It sounds pathetic but I feel like I may be on my way to be seriously suicidal and I don't know what to do. I've always struggled somewhat with my mental health. I guess I've never been carefree and happy, though my life hasn't only been bad. It's just that I'm one of those people who take the whole world to heart I guess. I had a pretty nice childhood until my parents marriage fell apart and I witnessed some pretty extreme emotional and verbal abuse, also towards myself by my father. We had a broken relationship for a long time and he wasn't involved in my teenage and young adult life very much. He's told me things that no child should ever hear. He was a teacher and I as well as my sisters were always defined by our grades and how well we did in school. Anything to do with education has always meant pressure. Failure was never really an option but I did somewhat fail in HS when everything came crashing down and I just simply stopped going to school for a while. I was so preoccupied with negative things on my mind that I couldn't keep up with schoolwork. My family never even noticed until I got an ultimatum from the school and was subsequently diagnosed with depression. I got medication and made it through HS, albeit with great difficulty and having to deal with a lot of bullying. I've always considered myself a pretty smart person, but I feel as though I do have hang-ups. I have extremely high expectations of myself and I'm guessing it's in part because of my upbringing. Still, I am 28 and I haven't reached any of my goals. I put off studying when I was 18 and worked instead. Family issues especially with my father became worse around that time which caused me to pack my bags and literally leave for the other side of the globe. That's how much I wanted to get away from everything and everyone. My mother was pretty much the only person I still had and she supported me financially as well. Once I realized my life wasn't going anywhere I came back home and moved in with her 2.5 years ago. Still depending on her financially because I came back with pretty much nothing. Still expecting to turn my life around. I started university a year ago to study law. Things were really looking up for a while because I had found something that excited me again and that I really liked doing, and I felt like I had turned a corner after all. Then, 2 months into the first semester the worst thing that could've possibly happen happened. My mother got a cancer diagnosis and though it's not hopeless it's serious. I now have to deal with extremely demanding studies and also taking care of her and going with her to the hospital, picking her up when she's down (which she is a lot these days), watching the effects the chemo has on her etc. Everything has taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I'm constantly anxious and worried, my sleep has changed, I've gained weight. I'm scared I will have to watch my mother die so much sooner than I ever thought. I feel like I have no control over anything anymore. I'm to the point where I feel like I can't successfully finish my studies at the university I'm at because it's exponentially more competitive than other universities and with the current circumstances I just can't see myself making it there. I want to transfer but that means being more of a financial burden than I already am due to having to rent a room which I can't afford on my own, and with my mother's health situation it's even worse. I feel pathetic and worthless every single day of my life. I feel like I have failed on pretty much every single count. Everyone around me has a normal life with a career and I'm almost 30 with pretty much nothing to show for it and I have no excuse. I'm the reason my mother now worries even more about her financial future and as a result I feel like I have to give up yet again, and this time something I'm really passionate about. Another year wasted and not having a clue what to do next. I honestly feel like doing that would kill me. But I don't want to be a burden anymore. And I can't stand to have it be held over my head constantly. I feel like my life is useless and it would be best if I wasn't here anymore. The thought of people seeing me quit something again makes me want to just disappear. Thoughts of wanting to just not be here have become more frequent though I don't think I'm at the point where I'm seriously considering committing suicide. But I consciously feel it getting worse. I often think about wanting something terrible happen to me so that I could be gone but at least not hurt my family and loved ones even more because I did it myself. I feel like it's a tug of war between feeling like everyone would be better off without me in the long run and everyone being hurt if I really did something. I'm scared that the bad side is going to win and at the same time I feel bad about having these thoughts in the first place and being so selfish. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped.