I need help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SoGone, Aug 20, 2016.

  1. SoGone

    SoGone New Member

    I'm sorry if this turns out to be super long, but even if nobody reads or replies, it's probably good to write it all down at least.
    It sounds pathetic but I feel like I may be on my way to be seriously suicidal and I don't know what to do. I've always struggled somewhat with my mental health. I guess I've never been carefree and happy, though my life hasn't only been bad. It's just that I'm one of those people who take the whole world to heart I guess. I had a pretty nice childhood until my parents marriage fell apart and I witnessed some pretty extreme emotional and verbal abuse, also towards myself by my father. We had a broken relationship for a long time and he wasn't involved in my teenage and young adult life very much. He's told me things that no child should ever hear. He was a teacher and I as well as my sisters were always defined by our grades and how well we did in school. Anything to do with education has always meant pressure. Failure was never really an option but I did somewhat fail in HS when everything came crashing down and I just simply stopped going to school for a while. I was so preoccupied with negative things on my mind that I couldn't keep up with schoolwork. My family never even noticed until I got an ultimatum from the school and was subsequently diagnosed with depression. I got medication and made it through HS, albeit with great difficulty and having to deal with a lot of bullying.

    I've always considered myself a pretty smart person, but I feel as though I do have hang-ups. I have extremely high expectations of myself and I'm guessing it's in part because of my upbringing. Still, I am 28 and I haven't reached any of my goals. I put off studying when I was 18 and worked instead. Family issues especially with my father became worse around that time which caused me to pack my bags and literally leave for the other side of the globe. That's how much I wanted to get away from everything and everyone. My mother was pretty much the only person I still had and she supported me financially as well. Once I realized my life wasn't going anywhere I came back home and moved in with her 2.5 years ago. Still depending on her financially because I came back with pretty much nothing. Still expecting to turn my life around. I started university a year ago to study law. Things were really looking up for a while because I had found something that excited me again and that I really liked doing, and I felt like I had turned a corner after all. Then, 2 months into the first semester the worst thing that could've possibly happen happened. My mother got a cancer diagnosis and though it's not hopeless it's serious. I now have to deal with extremely demanding studies and also taking care of her and going with her to the hospital, picking her up when she's down (which she is a lot these days), watching the effects the chemo has on her etc.
    Everything has taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I'm constantly anxious and worried, my sleep has changed, I've gained weight. I'm scared I will have to watch my mother die so much sooner than I ever thought. I feel like I have no control over anything anymore. I'm to the point where I feel like I can't successfully finish my studies at the university I'm at because it's exponentially more competitive than other universities and with the current circumstances I just can't see myself making it there. I want to transfer but that means being more of a financial burden than I already am due to having to rent a room which I can't afford on my own, and with my mother's health situation it's even worse. I feel pathetic and worthless every single day of my life. I feel like I have failed on pretty much every single count. Everyone around me has a normal life with a career and I'm almost 30 with pretty much nothing to show for it and I have no excuse.

    I'm the reason my mother now worries even more about her financial future and as a result I feel like I have to give up yet again, and this time something I'm really passionate about. Another year wasted and not having a clue what to do next. I honestly feel like doing that would kill me. But I don't want to be a burden anymore. And I can't stand to have it be held over my head constantly. I feel like my life is useless and it would be best if I wasn't here anymore. The thought of people seeing me quit something again makes me want to just disappear. Thoughts of wanting to just not be here have become more frequent though I don't think I'm at the point where I'm seriously considering committing suicide. But I consciously feel it getting worse. I often think about wanting something terrible happen to me so that I could be gone but at least not hurt my family and loved ones even more because I did it myself. I feel like it's a tug of war between feeling like everyone would be better off without me in the long run and everyone being hurt if I really did something. I'm scared that the bad side is going to win and at the same time I feel bad about having these thoughts in the first place and being so selfish. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped.
  2. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi SoGone and welcome to SF. One thing I try to remember, just as rapidly as things went wrong, they can go right again just as fast. It is possible, you have to acknowledge that much. But if you are not here anymore, then theres not even a chance of that happening is there. Just want you to think on that a little.

    You are not a burden, you are doing possibly the hardest job in the world, you are caring for someone. That puts a enormous amount of strain on anyone. To be battling depression and going to uni as well, man, that would break lesser people. So far far from being a burden, you are a tower of strength, you just dont see it that way, but from a different perspective, thats how it looks.

    We cant do jack about circumstances during childhood. Yet they shape our futures whether we like it or not. So why blame yourself for any failings you think you might have? Its not reall logical is it, because all of it was beyond your control at the time. As soon as the time was right, you got the hell out of there, so its not like you did nothing to try and change things, you did all you possibly could have done. You should give yourself some credit for that, not berate yourself. But depression has a canny knack of making us think that way.

    So, what are the options open to you now? I am UK based, so not sure about that one because I dont know where you are. But there will be someone around who will relate to your story and will have more of a idea of the options available. So hang around, wait for others to read this is and reply and you might just be surprised at what comes back.

    In the meantime, please feel free to look around and read some of the resources on the site, jump into the chat area if you feel like it, read the forums and post to your hearts content. This is a fantastic P2P community where we all just try to help and support each other any way we can. No judging each other, no ridicule, no intimidating, just support and empathy and a little help. And I dont know, is therapy of use to you if accessable, medication? If you have suicidal ideations, then something is not quite right and you might just need a little professional help to fix that, or at least manage it better than you are doing right now.

    Take care and stay safe out there.
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, SoGone. Wow...that's a lot of stressful things on your plate! I'm sorry to hear about it. I'm glad you have a good, loving relationship with your mother. :) That will help both of you while she is fighting the cancer.

    I know people who took some time off between their years at uni, and they still finished their programs. Have you spoken with your faculty's registrar to see if they have any kind of arrangements they can make because you have a family illness to deal with? Some schools are very compassionate and allow the student to put their academic career on hold while they care for the family member, then return when things have settled down a year or two later. It might be worth looking into. I don't think you haven't "failed" at all. You are facing a difficult family situation right now.

    When we're under stress, we tend to see how things have gone wrong in the past and how we are afraid they will go wrong in the future. That sometimes clouds our ability to see how we could make things could go "better" even in the face of setbacks. I hope you find some ways to get through this. I'm quite sure that you are a strong person (you've already survived a number of ups and downs, this is another one that life is putting in front of you).

    If you are right on edge, please call a crisis line or head to the hospital. I think that after all your efforts to get where you are today, it would be especially sad if you killed yourself. And equally sad if something bad happened to you by chance.

    I hope you'll keep talking to us here. Be safe. *hug*