I need help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by merkaba, Feb 16, 2007.

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  1. merkaba

    merkaba Member

    Hey everyone,

    I don't know if anyone here can help me with this. I thought I was doing okay, despite everything that's happened the last few months. My girlfriend of 3 years left me back in September. It was like a death. I thought everything was okay, next thing I know she's telling me how indifferent we've become toward each other and moves out. I haven't seen or heard from her since. It really is like she died. I hate her so much for what she did to me. How could I be indifferent if I felt this strongly. I had a nightmare last night where I was slapping her and calling her horrible names.... she just stood there, saying nothing. It was like beating up a corpse.
    I've tried to do the best I can to put my life back together. I've been taking classes to getting into a better field where I can support myself without needing aid from someone else, unlike right now. Nothing I do ever holds off the feelings I have of hating the human race so much. We're such disgusting creatures. Every extention of kindness is nothing but a veiled attempt to gain social favor, whether we're aware of it or not. It makes me sick.
    Bottom line is, I don't know what to do. I probably need counseling, but my insurance won't cover it. So unless there are ways of getting free treatment, I'm out of luck.
     
  2. I feel you i really do i have been in love once and reuined it we were together for 2 years and have been apart for 5 and i still cant get her out of my mind i dont know why i cant every single relationship i have is reuined because i cant seem to get over her maybe one day we could be together again but now she barely talks to me pops in and out of my life to make me miserable i have been waiting for her phone call for days now she didnt even call me on my birthday yesterday i am not one to sit and wait to see what will happen but after all this time i feel she is the one for me but hey what can i do some people get off on making other people suffer and see them in pain why cant there be more real people out there and just get to the point either tell me to fuck off or love me but stop dragging me on i need closure and she wont even give me that
     
  3. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Hi Merkaba. Your dream is very telling. You say that you were beating her and she was like a corpse. This seems to indicate that SHE is the indifferent one, not you. But maybe (as in your dream) you were expressing your feelings(passion) in a more angry and violent(not necessarily hitting/punching, but emotionally violent) way? Maybe this combined with other things is what made her want to retreat/shut down? I'm not blaming you; these are the dynamics of human relationships. Maybe the more she "shut down", the more you wanted to "lash out"?

    The human race is not all that bad :) Anne Frank actually said until the end of her life that she believed in the good in humans, as do I. Most people are good, but the good people do not get the ratings on Channel 6 News.

    People say that there is NO unselfish human act, because in some way, every act of kindness makes us feel good and is therefore selfish. This is BULLSHIT. The reason kindness makes us feel good is because we intrinsically know that we are doing the right thing. Why SHOULDN'T we feel good about it? Are we supposed to feel like shit for doing the right thing? HELL no! We FEEL good because we are DOING good! It's the same reason we feel bad for doing bad things! That is how it is supposed to be, but that is not our motivation for doing so.

    Haven't you ever done something that you REALLY did not want to do, that made you feel like SHIT at the time, but you did it anyway for the sake of someone else? Did you feel good about yourself afterwards? Of course! (If you want, I can PM you an example of my own, not suitable for public viewing).

    That is how the universe works. We cannot predict whether or not participating in a certain act is going to make us feel good or bad, but we, as humans, DO know what is right and what is wrong. We do things based on this fact, and even though you say it may be an ultimately selfish act, many of us constantly do things which seem to offer no reward at the time, but we do them regardless of this fact. Just because we feel some kind of reward in the aftermath does not mean that we were acting upon a selfish impulse at the time. It is our universal reward for doing the right thing.

    Most humans are not disgusting or evil. Most of us just want the world to be a better place than the world we were brought into, which is a good thing.

    Try to look at the lives of people who have really brought the human race to a whole new level: Mother Theresa, Pope John Paul, Gandhi, etc. Yes, these people DID achieve a certain status as a result of their good works, but they also suffered a great deal, because of their beliefs with no regard for themselves at the time.

    I could spend my whole life sacrificing and giving, and 99 times out of 100, nobody would even remember my name. These people knew that, but did the right thing regardless of this fact.

    Evil sells newspapers. Most of the good people just work in the background and hope that in some way, theyd made a difference to someone.
     
  4. zusanna

    zusanna Active Member

    hi. i definitely feel you on this one.
    usually what it is for me that hurts is sitting around the house thinking about the person. i try to immerse myself in my social life, my work, find a new hobby or two. making art or music, which can be cathartic. even cleaning or decluttering the whole house. trying to do anything but nothing.
     
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