I need help

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by italwaysrains, May 4, 2007.

  1. italwaysrains

    italwaysrains Member

    Hi I am new to this forum. I realized today that I am severely depressed and in need of help. The problem is that I don't want to see a counselor because the last time I went to one they ended up making me feel worse than when I started. I know that I am needing something because while I was driving to an appointment today I found myself thinking that I could accelerate the car, put on the cruise for that speed and steer the car into a cement pilar by the interstate. The only thing that really stopped me from doing that was that I may feel like I don't want to go on right now but it doesn't give me the right to cause other people harm. To tell you the truth I don't really want to kill myself it's just that I sometimes think the people in my life would be a whole lot better off if I wasn't here. Just going away, leaving doesn't seem like the answer because I know my family and friends. They wouldn't stop looking for me until they found me dead or alive. I've tried telling my husband how I feel and bless his soul he trys to make me feel better. But he just can't understand. Lately it feels like I take one step forward and I am hit and forced to take two or three steps back. Like I'm in a pool of water and I can occasionally get a breath of air but then I am sucked right back down under the water. I have had some health issues and at the first of this year I had to leave a job that I love because of the issues. It seems like nothing has been right since. I have been battling to get healthy enough to go back to the job but just when I think I can go back I am hit with new health issues. I don't have any kids of my own. I want them very much and I think this latest episode of depression comes from the fact that the doctors have told me that I need to have a hysterectomy. I'm only 35. I want kids of my own. While I know that I can adopt the idea of having that operation scares me to death but the pain that I am going through is just as bad. I feel like such a failure as a woman because I haven't been able to bear a child. And it makes it even worse that those parts that make me a woman are going to have to be removed. If it weren't for the fact that I have been watching my five year old niece during the day I don't know where I would be right now. That scares me because this is the last week until school starts next year that I will have her daily. My house has suffered because I just don't care to get up and take care of it. My relationships have suffered becasue I just don't care to talk to anyone or be with anyone. My health has suffered becasue I just don't care what happens to me.

    I'm just in pain all the time. I've written all I care to write today. I will get in here again and write more.
  2. italwaysrains

    italwaysrains Member

    Ok a little background information. My father was/is an alcoholic and he abused my mother, myself and three younger sisters physically and mentally. The more emotions we showed the worse you got it. He wanted boys and ended up with all girls so of course we were a thorn in his side. I am the oldest and I got the biggest brunt of his disapproval. No matter what I did in life it never was good enough for my father. I got the point where I didn't care. I was doing what I needed to do for me and realized that I may never live up to my father's dreams so I stopped trying. My mother was never that approving either. I went through my youth stuffing my emotions with food. I got fat. There is no other word for it I am fat/obese. My younger sisters have stayed thin until just recently. All through adolescents I have been trampled on so to speak. I allowed myself to be the doormat. Whenever I would stop being the doormat then I was told I was being selfish. I don't have kids and sometimes it feels like I am a second rate citizen where my parents are concerned because I don't have any kids. I had several relationships in my life with guys that were abusive. I finally realized the road I was headed down and stopped them. I then met a wonderful man. We got married thirteen years (almost fourteen) ago. He has been as supportive as he can be but he just doesn't understand a lot of things.

    That is it for now maybe there will be more history later.
  3. italwaysrains

    italwaysrains Member

    I don't know what's really happening right now but I feel like a fog has lifted in my mind. I'm still sad but at the same time I don't think I or anyone else at that point would be better off without me if I was gone. I think I really need to search out a therapist. I can't do this on my own and need professional help.
  4. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :hug: here if you want to talk :hug:
  5. italwaysrains

    italwaysrains Member

    My last few days have been filled with trying to help someone else through suicidal thoughts. She had them so much so that she grabbed my steering wheel as I was driving down a busy road and tried to get the car steared into traffic. I took her to the local physciatric center so that she could get help in what faces her. I realized that I am depressed and before it gets that far that I need to seek help. I think these last few days getting this person I care for the help she needs opened my eyes. I pray that God will help me through this.