Hi I am new to this forum. I realized today that I am severely depressed and in need of help. The problem is that I don't want to see a counselor because the last time I went to one they ended up making me feel worse than when I started. I know that I am needing something because while I was driving to an appointment today I found myself thinking that I could accelerate the car, put on the cruise for that speed and steer the car into a cement pilar by the interstate. The only thing that really stopped me from doing that was that I may feel like I don't want to go on right now but it doesn't give me the right to cause other people harm. To tell you the truth I don't really want to kill myself it's just that I sometimes think the people in my life would be a whole lot better off if I wasn't here. Just going away, leaving doesn't seem like the answer because I know my family and friends. They wouldn't stop looking for me until they found me dead or alive. I've tried telling my husband how I feel and bless his soul he trys to make me feel better. But he just can't understand. Lately it feels like I take one step forward and I am hit and forced to take two or three steps back. Like I'm in a pool of water and I can occasionally get a breath of air but then I am sucked right back down under the water. I have had some health issues and at the first of this year I had to leave a job that I love because of the issues. It seems like nothing has been right since. I have been battling to get healthy enough to go back to the job but just when I think I can go back I am hit with new health issues. I don't have any kids of my own. I want them very much and I think this latest episode of depression comes from the fact that the doctors have told me that I need to have a hysterectomy. I'm only 35. I want kids of my own. While I know that I can adopt the idea of having that operation scares me to death but the pain that I am going through is just as bad. I feel like such a failure as a woman because I haven't been able to bear a child. And it makes it even worse that those parts that make me a woman are going to have to be removed. If it weren't for the fact that I have been watching my five year old niece during the day I don't know where I would be right now. That scares me because this is the last week until school starts next year that I will have her daily. My house has suffered because I just don't care to get up and take care of it. My relationships have suffered becasue I just don't care to talk to anyone or be with anyone. My health has suffered becasue I just don't care what happens to me. I'm just in pain all the time. I've written all I care to write today. I will get in here again and write more.