My name is Hannah. I am 19, occupation: dancer. I was a stripper about 5 months ago but I stopped. I was having PTSD attacks. I need to share my feelings with someone who will understand what I am talking about and what I need. I need to be anonymous. Below is what I wrote, what I need to share. I need help. How do you go from a child traumatized by sexual abuse to a “problematic” member of society? How is “problematic” judged? Deep inside…I never wanted to do any of it. I never wanted to be a ho, I never wanted to play that role, I definitely never wanted to be abused. Somehow my sensibilities have been twisted. I’m so confused. Everything weaves a web around me, all my secrets, so many secrets I’d never want anyone to know. The way I am is like a convoluted mess of different stages, different influences, different people I never want to see again and others I’d die to see again, but are no longer on earth and there is no way for me to reach them. In the end, no matter what friends I think I’ve made, how much I’ve progressed, it always comes back to this—this terrified, paranoid, ashamed, traumatized feeling. I’m always alone in the end. There is no one to help me. Sometimes it feels like I should die. Even if people want to help, they don’t understand; misunderstanding is worse than no comprehension at all. In the end, I’m always an object, and that’s all people really want me for. Anything else I have to offer is secondary, or doesn’t matter, isn’t shit. Everything seems to be falling apart. I thought that everything was so much better, but in the end it is the same. I thought my boyfriend was different…but he was so ready to violate me and abuse me like everyone else, and I just wanted to give my heart to him. I can’t even think about him now…I can’t say his name…I just feel screwed…I don’t know why this happens to me. I think if anyone found out my identity, connected what I never say in my every day life—all my secrets—to who I am in the world, I would commit suicide. The only way I know how to do that is to starve myself until I die. I’ve lived this dual life for many years. I’m 19, and this has been happening since I was 13. There’s all the things I never say, all the secrets of my past I never tell, and who I am in the present. There are all my thoughts and feelings about things and the actor I feel like I am in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I have multiple personality disorder. I appear pretty normal in my every day life. People never categorize me as crazy. But they don’t really ask many questions about me. They are mostly objectifying me. It’s easy to hold back when no one wants to hear what you have to say. They want my body, and that’s the only thing that matters to the world, that’s my place. Except it can’t contain my mind. My mind runs everywhere, even goes crazy sometimes. I just felt like…I had a chance to integrate my heart, my thoughts, who I am, with my physical manifestation and my outward identity, I thought the world was safe enough to do that now. The world just seems to want to rape me. I don’t know what to do. No one can help me, and that’s why I want to die. My heart is beating fast, I'm trembling, I want to cry but it's caught. The only way I can die is to stop eating and give up any hope or responsibility in my life. I almost died of anorexia when I was 15. Maybe I've been preparing to do it again, except this time they can't hospitalize me by force. The worst part is giving up on life, and you feel like your soul is gone. I need help.