I Need Help.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hannah_nyc, Jan 26, 2008.

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  1. hannah_nyc

    hannah_nyc New Member

    My name is Hannah. I am 19, occupation: dancer. I was a stripper about 5 months ago but I stopped. I was having PTSD attacks.

    I need to share my feelings with someone who will understand what I am talking about and what I need. I need to be anonymous. Below is what I wrote, what I need to share. I need help.

    How do you go from a child traumatized by sexual abuse to a “problematic” member of society? How is “problematic” judged?

    Deep inside…I never wanted to do any of it. I never wanted to be a ho, I never wanted to play that role, I definitely never wanted to be abused. Somehow my sensibilities have been twisted. I’m so confused. Everything weaves a web around me, all my secrets, so many secrets I’d never want anyone to know. The way I am is like a convoluted mess of different stages, different influences, different people I never want to see again and others I’d die to see again, but are no longer on earth and there is no way for me to reach them.

    In the end, no matter what friends I think I’ve made, how much I’ve progressed, it always comes back to this—this terrified, paranoid, ashamed, traumatized feeling. I’m always alone in the end. There is no one to help me. Sometimes it feels like I should die. Even if people want to help, they don’t understand; misunderstanding is worse than no comprehension at all. In the end, I’m always an object, and that’s all people really want me for. Anything else I have to offer is secondary, or doesn’t matter, isn’t shit.

    Everything seems to be falling apart. I thought that everything was so much better, but in the end it is the same. I thought my boyfriend was different…but he was so ready to violate me and abuse me like everyone else, and I just wanted to give my heart to him. I can’t even think about him now…I can’t say his name…I just feel screwed…I don’t know why this happens to me.

    I think if anyone found out my identity, connected what I never say in my every day life—all my secrets—to who I am in the world, I would commit suicide. The only way I know how to do that is to starve myself until I die. I’ve lived this dual life for many years. I’m 19, and this has been happening since I was 13. There’s all the things I never say, all the secrets of my past I never tell, and who I am in the present. There are all my thoughts and feelings about things and the actor I feel like I am in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I have multiple personality disorder. I appear pretty normal in my every day life. People never categorize me as crazy. But they don’t really ask many questions about me. They are mostly objectifying me. It’s easy to hold back when no one wants to hear what you have to say. They want my body, and that’s the only thing that matters to the world, that’s my place. Except it can’t contain my mind. My mind runs everywhere, even goes crazy sometimes.

    I just felt like…I had a chance to integrate my heart, my thoughts, who I am, with my physical manifestation and my outward identity, I thought the world was safe enough to do that now. The world just seems to want to rape me. I don’t know what to do. No one can help me, and that’s why I want to die.

    My heart is beating fast, I'm trembling, I want to cry but it's caught. The only way I can die is to stop eating and give up any hope or responsibility in my life. I almost died of anorexia when I was 15. Maybe I've been preparing to do it again, except this time they can't hospitalize me by force. The worst part is giving up on life, and you feel like your soul is gone.

    I need help.
  2. hannah_nyc

    hannah_nyc New Member

    I've been thinking about slitting my wrists too--something quick. The only thing that stops me is that I know how sad my family would be and how much it would scar them. My mom loves me. But I want to die. If it was just me, I would. I've been thinking about it a lot.
  3. mrclean4456

    mrclean4456 Member

    Hi Hannah...welcome to SF...and many of us here have been dealing with self harm thoughts...I know for me, I have wanted to end this pain for several months...

    Many here are in the same frame of mind...I am here only because of some of the help from others here...

    PM me if you'd like to talk...
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Hannah, and welcome to SF. Please try to resist the urge to hurt yourself hun. I know you've been through a lot of pain and heartache, but it's not worth ending it now. You can change your life and find a new job if you want to.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum hun :hug:
  6. hannah_nyc

    hannah_nyc New Member

    I was feeling so ashamed after I posted this last night. Sinced then I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’ve been feeling this way so much lately, letting it go way back in my memory. I was letting everything get to me, letting all my weakness show. I’m used to being strong for my family. My mom had me when she was in high school and my daddy left my family when I was 9 and I haven’t seen him since then. When I had anorexia was the worst time for my mama and my sister—I can’t pull any suicide bullshit on them again. Sporadically my mom struggles with addiction, she’s been on crack these last few months and is in and out of rehab, and my little sister isn’t doing that good either. I watched my mom get abused by a lot of her boyfriends since my dad left, and I always helped her pull through, held her down as much as I could. I been making money for my family since I was 16.
    My dad was from the Dominican Republic. I feel disconnected from that part of my heritage. I been trying to learn Spanish—I guess to feel closer to him, when I examine it; if not him then a part of myself. I don’t remember my dad’s face very well. Sometimes I wonder what I would think of him if I met him now.
    Also—a lady from my block was stabbed three months ago in front of her kids. I think that brought back a PTSD reaction that’s been haunting me for a while. My best friend/boyfriend when I was 16 was killed 3 years ago. It brought some of the grief in my heart back, made me disoriented with PTSD, made all those images rise up again, and I don’t feel safe walking on my own block sometimes. But I still love my home. It’s confusing.

    It’s a lot of things…but dying ain’t an option. I know that in my heart. I know that God has a reason for me to be alive, and that in submitting to God my life is not my own to decide to end. I can’t believe I let shit get to me so much that I forgot about God.

    Every time I walk down my street, cars honk at me and dudes bother me. Even when I wear heavy clothes. It makes me so angry sometimes. I guess when the shame gets to me so much that it gets inside me, like I’m possessed, like I don’t even belong to myself anymore, that’s when I feel suicidal. That don’t make me ashamed—people bothering me on the street—it’s just annoying. I just ignore them. But when people get inside my head, like my ex boyfriend—it’s bad, I lose my strength. And stripping is so bad for me, it makes me more dissociative. I haven’t been stripping lately, because I was crying and my heart was beating so fast that I thought I would die. I was feeling so degraded. I was feeling suicidal a lot of the time. I’m gonna be okay now. I can hold my head high now. My boyfriend is gone. I converted to Islam, not officially, but in my heart, a couple of months ago. I pray five times a day, whenever humanly possible. I finally have a capacity to love and understand in my heart; I can feel it growing. I know I deserve respect.

    A lot of my life isn’t even about me. It’s holding down my people, my family. I have to be strong and keep going.

    Thank you for listening to all of this...thank you for responding.
  7. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    hi hannah

    you are not alone

    im suffering from a same problem(past, social outcast, people bothering on streets)

    have you thought abt moving out ?

    im thinking of doing that may be it will solve a few of my problems if not all..
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm just curious as to why you've decided to convert to Islam hannah?
  9. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    hannah - What I can tell you is that there's never anything to feel ashamed about. The past is the past and nobody can change it. There are some ugly people who will always want to hold others to the past. But there are many others who will accept you and will be willing to accept you for who you are.

    You don't necessarily have to pour your heart out to everyone you meet. Everyone has painful stuff in their past. If someone asks and you don't want to talk about it, they generally will take a hint.

    But just know this. There is no reason why you can't have a happy, healthy life if you want it. Yes. People can be selfish and some people will hurt you and use you and that can make things seem hopeless. It's just the way some people are. It isn't you. It has nothing at all to do with you or who you are or where you've been. It's all them.

    Sometimes people who have been victims in the past fall into a pattern of blaming themselves for everything. So I can only conclude that it tends to be a natural reaction or something. But it doesn't mean it's true. Abuse is never the fault of the victim.
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