I need to go into therepy. I really really need to. But I can't go to my parents and be like "I've been faking being better for three years, I still need help." My eating disorder has been out of control. My life has turned me back into a suicidal blob. I can't stop thinking about my molester, my miscarriage, previous tragedies I thought I was over. I've been falling for a long time and I feel dangerously close to connecting with rock bottom. I've been drug binging. I was doing really good, I stopped pills and drinking so all I did was smoke weed every now and then. I've been snorting percocet and other painkillers, taking adderal, and smoking pot everyday. I maintain my facade, I keep up my grades, I do chores, I go to work, I hang out with friends. I'm miserable. I'm lying to my boyfriend. And it kills me so much because he means the world to me. But he doesn't get all my stress and pain, he doesn't understand that I want to be numb. He has stopped me from cutting, which is all I've been thinking about. I'm afraid if I don't cut I just might snap. If I stop snorting painkillers, I will snap. It's keeping me from killing myself. And I can't tell anyone that because it would hurt them. And I can't do that. I don't even have the money for therapy anyway.