I need help

[Tired-of-it]

Hi All.........

I'm new here, but not new to online support forums. It feels strange to come to a brand new forum and spill yer guts, but right now, I don't think I have much choice.

I can't get suicide out of my head. I think about it day and night. I secretly plan it and dream about the end. I know this is not a solution to my problems and the only thing that keeps me from doing it is the affect it will have on the people that love me, mostly that I would be abandoning my husband and since I have abandonment issues of my own I can't bring myself to abandon him.

I am social drinker, but have not had the occasion to drink since 2001. Suddenly I find myself craving to drink at 10 in the morning. I know it's to relieve stress, but so far, I've resisted the urge to drink because I have a history of suicide attempts (dating back 20 years) which all ocurred while drinking. (and because my suicide "plans" are to go buy a bottle, get really drunk, drive back to my home which is currently in foreclosure and swallow the entire bottle of meds my doc gave me for panic attacks)

My husband and I had a business that failed and we lost everything. We filed for Bankruptcy last year and lost our house, all of our money, everything. We relocated from New York to a state where the cost of living is 1/2 of what it is in NY. He got a job. I can't find one. I feel like we are living in poverty and that we will never recover from this. I have a dear friend whom I cherish who I just told about this yesterday and now doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore.

I just feel like I have nothing to look forward to in my future and nothing to live for.

I'm on the edge, and I don't know what to do. I just need someone to talk to.

 

[*dilligaf*]

well im feeling about the same today.
PM me if you still want to talk

 

[beans]

Whoever that friend is who won't listen to you anymore, they're not much of a friend. People like that suck big f-ing time.
How are you feeling today?

 

[Jenny]

Hi there and welcome to the forum

I'm really glad that you found this place and felt able to talk to us about what's going on.. it sounds like an awful lot to be dealing with in one go, and it's understandable that you're finding yourself thinking about using old coping mechanisms, e.g. drinking and/or suicidal thoughts..

.. i do hope that by finding this forum though, you are able to talk openly about what's happening. Maybe we can provide you with that safe place and also give you the support you need right now to get through. Please feel free to PM me should you ever need to talk.. :hug:

Sorry to hear about your friend who does not seem to want to talk to you now.. and i'm not making excuses for this friend, but i wonder if she needs time. It can be really difficult for people who have not had first hand experience of depression to understand, or know what to say or do, to help a person who is struggling. Often they want the problem to simply go away.. or for you to 'snap out of it'.. but i personally think this is just their way of saying they truly wish you were feeling better, and that they simply don't know what to say and dont wanna make things worse.

How would you feel about contacting your friend again and telling her what you need from her right now. If you're able to be honest and open with her about this, it may help both of you in the long run...

I hope that what ever happens, you are able to stay safe. It sounds like you and your hubby have a strong relationship and (not meaning to place any guilt on you) he would miss you greatly if you were not here. Please consider talking to your friend.. or your doctor? And of course, please do remember that we are here for you too..

Thinking of you and sending you a hug, if you want one :hug:
Jenny xx

 

[joce]

Yeah, some friend I must say.
Iv'e only just joined this forum too. I find everyone here has reached the pits and there's none of the usual talk about join a club, eat well and exercise etc. The advice is really without any of the usual crap and comes from the heart. You have good reason to feel this way at the moment. I think you did the right thing by moving and maybe things will turn round given time. What happens in America when you've got nothing - is there much help?