Not sure why I'm posting this. I guess I'm hoping that things I've read hold true for me and talking about it will make me feel better. Ever since I was 13 I've had suicidal thoughts. When I was a young teenager the thoughts came and went, and were fairly infrequent. As I got older, it got a lot worse. I'm constantly thinking about it now (when/how/where I would do it), and recently I've come very close to doing it. It would be nice to not have to do it, but I'm losing hope. My depression and thoughts of suicide tend to peak while I'm single or when a relationship is ending. I know it's not healthy, but I have a dependency on relationships. Feeling that special connection with somebody is like my anti-depressant. My thoughts of suicide recently have been over a girl I'm extremely in love with. We've been seeing each other for about a year now, and for most of that time she's been unable to completely decide if she wants me or the guy she was seeing before me. When we met it was my understanding that her relationship with him was going down hill and was going to end soon. We talked a lot, found out we have a lot in common, and started to really care for each other. Not long after I was already in love with her she admitted to me that she also loved the other guy still, and can't decide who she wants to be with. Every time I start to feel more secure about the situation she tells me she's unsure again. Every time I try to move on she contacts me and tells me she loves me and wants to be with me. What do I do? I really love her so much. This is tearing me to shreds and I can't handle it anymore. I'm not strong enough to move on if she's going to continue to contact me and try to be with me. I'm in a perpetual state of heartbreak. I find myself extremely paranoid that she's talking to him or spending time with him every time she's not talking to or spending time with me. All I want is to love her with all my heart and feel secure with our relationship, but I can't.