I've been down this road so often, you would think I would be a pro at it by now. It seems like each time, it just gets worse and worse. I'd seek professional help but I have an ex who likes to use my mental health against me (especially when I seek out help for myself). We have a child. I am not a mess around my child, nor am I a danger to him. I really can't afford to keep going to court, but I can't afford to lose my son either. I can't handle stress. I have nobody to talk to. Nobody who understands what it is like to live with a heart this heavy. I have post traumatic stress. Any little stress just sets me off. Right now, all I want more than anything is to be touched. I've been crying all night because all I want is a hug. I want to be held, if only for a moment. For some reason, that makes it better for a while. I feel like a monster. I live with my boyfriend. He upset me a little bit today, and my house of cards just tumbled. Because of that he will have nothing to do with me. Even though I have begged and cried out for just the tiniest bit of affection. It has been denied to me. What kind of horrible person am I? Nobody wants to help me. I am lost and alone and I am cold. I feel like I will never be warm again. Which is sad, because I have a fever and I have been sick all week.