I need help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dougnun, Oct 28, 2006.

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  1. dougnun

    dougnun Member

    I'm not really one to do these type of things, but I'm really running out of options.

    My name is Doug and I'm twenty years old. My fiancee who I've been with for the past four and a half years just recently broke up with me.

    In the time I was with her, I gave up a lot for her. She was very shy so I phased out my friends and made her happy. I originally went to a college two hours away but transffered to make her happy (and dropped out of community college because I hated it). I got a good job at one point and was promoted all the way to the top, but I rarely had time to see her and this I quit. The sad thing is...I know I shouldn't have and I know it's pathetic, but I don't regret it.

    What I regret is now, I have absolutely nothing. No one to talk to. Nothing to keep me busy. What hurts is that my fiancee knows this and hasn't done much to help. She told me when we broke up that she wanted to be my best friend still, but she didn't want a relationship and wanted to be free. About five hours later, she was in a new relationship. Since then, she's just continually lied to me and is slowly phasing me out of her life. She makes plans and cancels them a week later. She'll say she'll call, but never does. When she does call, she'll talk, but when I try to tell her how I feel, she just bails.

    The worst part is...I know she's trying to a degree, but she doesn't realize how she's treating me and it just makes things so worse. Yesterday, she screamed at me that I was ruining her life and she didn't even like me. She took it back later, but I know it's true. I used to be her everything and now I'm fighting for last place in her life and it makes me so mad and I take that anger out on her. It's like she knows I'm horrible because I'm so alone right now, but she refuses to do anything about it. She only talks to me when I'm completely hysterical and I get that way because of her ignoring me and phasing me out of her life.

    I've tried so much to feel better. Talking with my family helped the first time, but after that, they didn't seem to want to dedicate time to actually talk to me and are just using this as fodder to push me back into school. I actually am contemplating school again, but the next semester doesn't start for two months and in the meantime, I'm getting worse and worse. I've tried re-connecting with my friends, but many of them are just ignoring me like I did to them when I phased them out. I've tried getting a new job, but I can't get any interests. I want to be a writer and I write for some websites and very small magazines and I've even tried writing an article, but it just does nothing.

    I don't want to die, but I don't see anything left for me truly. I know that in a few months, I might be better, but when every day feels like a year and each day is worse than the one before...I just can't take it. I always thought I was a strong person, but the pain is just too much for me to deal with. Nothing I do has meaning anymore and death is really the only thing that keeps popping up in my mind.

    I know this all cliche stuff and trivial, but I just don't know what to do at all.
  2. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    First of all, try and stay strong.

    Insted of getting back with your old friends why not make some new ones? What about joining some clubs and groups to meet new people and do some new things?

    Theres heaps of us here, including me, that would love to talk to you anytime and i kno this isnt the greatest reply of all time but im not really sure what to say. Take care, and Good Luck x
  3. dougnun

    dougnun Member

    I'm trying so hard to be strong and I'm amazed I've made it almost three weeks.

    I wouldn't even know how to begin making new friends...and I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I need something more than just talking to someone on-line. I just don't know how to even go about metting new people sort of going back to college or getting a job...and I've tried getting a new job and school doesn't start the new semester for two months.

    I really just wish my ex would see me. She saw me once two weeks ago and I felt really good after that. I feel like I need to talk to someone who actually knows me and knows my life and my history and she does better than anyone and actually talking with her face to face where she can't just hang up or make up an excuse about her battery would help.
  4. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Unfortunatly your most likely not going to find someone like that on here.. So what about telling us those things you want people to know? and we can get to know you and hopefully help you get thru this.

    Have you talked to your ex about the way you feel? how you want to see her?
  5. dougnun

    dougnun Member

    I've told my ex all of this at some point, but she just doesn't talk to me.

    I mean, prime example. I had a big episode on like Tuesday night and she said she would make time to talk to me. The next day she called me and talked about some things like her classes and then she asked how I was doing and when I started to talk to her about that...she said her battery was dying, but I knew it was a lie. The next day, same thing happened. The next day, she didn't even bother calling and when she eventually talked me on-line, she admitted the battery thing was a lie.

    She knows that what I need is for her to just see me and talk to me or at the least just talk to me and give me some attention other than just saying mindless answers.

    I'm so alone right now and she knows this and it hurts so bad to see myself fade from her life.
  6. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    this might sound harsh, but i think you should try to move on.

    Shes hurting you and it might continue to get worse, you need to try to let go. What sort of things are you interested in? what sort of things can you do to take your mind off her?
  7. dougnun

    dougnun Member

    It's so hard. She was literally my everything. Everything I did, she helped with or did it with me.

    I've tried moving on so much. I've tried getting dates to help and it doesn't work. I've tried packing up all her stuff that she gave me, but it's still there.

    Nothing I do takes my mind off of her and I've tried everything.

    Walking, drinking, exercising, TV, movies, video games, books, cleaning, driving, applying to jobs, trying to re-connect with old friends, playing with my pets....none of it takes my mind off of anything.

    What was like my best hobby before her was wrestling journalism and a few sites I run. I've tried watching some matches, I wrote an article, and I've updated my site and forums. It doesn't do much either and to be honest, I felt worse after I wrote the article because it was so horrible.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It can be very hard to move on in life when you have made someone the center of it for a time and that center no longer exists. But you must realize that the time has come to fade her out of your life. You said you packed up the things she gave you but they are still there. Take the next step and get them out of your home. Saying goodbye to those things will put closure on one more area. Making new friends is hard for some people, but you have made friends before so you know can do it. Have you tried explaining things to your old friends and apologizing to them for phasing the out of your life? Maybe if they understood they would be willing to give you another chance. I will not say to you that you will forget her. You will always have the memories of your times together and sometimes things you see or that happen will remind you of her. It is okay to hold on to these memeories, just don't let them control you. You must give yourself time to adjust to the situation. Keep trying to do the things you like to do and don't give up. School starts in a few months. Do what you can to be there. Take care. :hug:
  9. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Hi, I'm in a bit of a similar situation to you at the moment (although not as bad).

    Please try to hang in there. It hurts like hell right now, and it will do for a long time, but you will get over her. Give it time, try not to think about the future too much, take each day as it comes for now. From the sounds of it this isn't easy for her either. She probably cares about you a lot if she still wants you to be her best friend, but just can't handle talking to you much right now cos you're hurting, and she knows she's the cause of that pain.

    Maybe try not talking to her for a while. Give yourself a week or so where you don't initiate contact, use that time to calm yourself right down so you can think about things clearly, and then try talking to her.
  10. dougnun

    dougnun Member

    gentlelady, that's really it. She really WAS my life and it's gone now and it's hard to find something new to fill the gap especially when nothing's working. I really don't want to get the stuff out of my home because...well, I just can't. It's all packed up away so it's not like I'm going to go looking at it every five seconds.

    I've talked to my friends and explained it to them and they all seemed understanding, but now won't return my calls and I don't blame them at all. I'm trying so hard, but it just feels like I'm killing time and not feeling better at all and it's more a chore to do anything besides sit there.

    Malcontent, I really don't know what's going on with her. I'm actually kind of worried about her because at times, I feel like she's changing herself purposely to try and be happier when it's not working. I mean, people change at college, but she changed basically in under two weeks and I've never seen or heard of that before. Because of that, it's like she wants to shut me off because I'm her past and she doesn't want to look back on it and it hurts a lot after she promised me so many things. I don't think she's hurting cause she's causing me pain because she knows that what's she's doing right now is making it all worse and she continues to do it. She continues to make lies and ignore me so...I don't know.

    Unless we get into an argument and one of us hang up or leave and I feel the need to not leave that way, I don't IM her, e-mail her, or call her first. I wait for her to.

    This morning, I wrote her a letter and mailed it and in it, I said maybe we should forget about calling each other and e-mailing each other and just see how that goes. I don't know when she'll get it and if she'll even want to do that, but here's hoping.
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