I need help.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rexxthg123, Oct 6, 2012.

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  1. rexxthg123

    rexxthg123 New Member

    I really need advice, i'm contemplating suicide. Alright let me start with the beginning of where this start. I started out with a crush on this girl in the eighth grade, I had my social studies class with her and around late march, Everyone received a seating chart and I sat right in front of her and she sat in front of me. This girl just about messed up my life so just keep reading. I do hear a couple of words about this girl and I know she use to date this guy at my school, I just wanted to start a conversation and asked her about that guy. She was very shy and didn't really say anything because class started. Instead, she wrote a note ranting on about this guy she dated and such. I did what I thought I should and ranted with her via notes in class and yeah. After that day, I started a conversation with her on facebook, we talked for hours and then she gave me her number and I gave her mine. We started texting on the phone, never really talked but texted. After about 3 days of that, I was her "best guy friend" she vented to me about alot of her problems past and present and I listened and told her what to do because I was always fluent with doing what's right. After a month, I was her best friend. She told me everything and just about loved me alot. When I confessed my feelings for her, she just told me she just wanted to be friends so I respected her choice and continued to be her "Best friend". I still had a huge crush on her though. We were nearing the end of the school year and I grew a bit bitter towards her actually, she always blatantly insulted me when we talked and sometimes not even put effort when we talked. She just wasn't giving anything back to me. I actually let my anger get the best of me at one point and said to her "You got a fucked up sense of humor" when she told me that she thinks it's funny being mean to me, but when she was just being "Play mean" to me, she was really jut being a bitch. Well after I told her that, she did not say a thing. Instead she texted one of my close friends Steven ranting about me, she even called me a bitch. It was actually graduation day for the eighth graders that day so during the dance, I got a hold of my friends phone and read the text she sent to him. I was a bit shock of how immature this girl was, She couldn't even work things out about me so she just went behind my back like that. Well, I just felt that I needed to drop her as a friend so I sent the final text she just about started apologizing and begging me to stay, I just ended the conversation with all the bitter things she ha done to me. After about 4 days into summer vacation, she sent me a text in the afternoon and I saw it on my phone after I got home from the gym, she just said "Hi", I just said Hi back and she said that she was so happy that I replied and she was scared that she lost a best friend. Later and later of talking, She let it slip that she had a boyfriend, She told me that it was this kid, a 7th grader, about a year younger than our age. I was angry, I didn't showed it towards her though, Like how can she do that? Choose some little kid over me, I'm the one who's been such a sweet heart to her and she does that. Well after that night, I didn't talk to her, she went around and asked my friend Steven why I don't talk to her. He didn't really know what to say so she asked me why and I just ignored her. Eventually, I wanted to talk to her again, I didn't even know why. She's always a bitch when I talk to her but I just wanted to. I was actually scared that she would cut herself(yeah she's one of those girls), Now I realized it, I cared about her. I grew in to love her real closely. So I shot up a text and said hi and she just started talking about her daily life and such and I listened. Well, there's actually been a huge incident she's been in involving this pedophile which I really did help her and that's when she told me she loved me. She always tells me that she loves me every time we have a late night and she's venting to me all her problems. Summer had gone by quickly, a bit smoother too. Well now I was in high school, almost 15 year old and a linebacker on my football team. I grew even more bitter, she went to sleepover her cousins house somewhere in the last week of summer. When she was at her cousins house, she would be talking to me and then just stop replying to my text randomly. She was too busy messing around over there to even say "ttyl" or anything to let me know she was busy like she use too. So after that, when she got back from her cousins house, I decided to treat her the way she's been treating me for 5 months, I was too nice at heart to keep it like that but it turned out to be me yelling at her for all the bad things and ways she had treated and done to me since day one. Afterwards, We stop talking for a week and she would apologize. I was changing, I grew suspicious and paranoid of everything, she actually started talking and hanging out with Steven more than me as our freshmen year started. I got a bit jealous, I made her feel bad about doing so and she told me that she would never talk to Steven again because I told her too. Me and Steven were no longer friends after this, Steven has been my companion since sixth grade and this is what it turns too. Well she lied, two days later after football practice, I started texted her and she was being all moody and sad-like, I asked her what was wrong(I always ask her every time she looks down because I was her "Best friend") She said I lied to her, I asked her about what. She claimed that I lied to her about being in MERITS(An advance college science class for freshmen s) because she heard I was in AVID(A college preparatory elective), She was mistaken that MERITS was a elective when it was a science class, I let this one go even though I was steaming on the inside. Later, I found out that she was still talking to Steven, She was doing it behind my back and it was bullshit. I felt like SHIT, I put her before everything in my life and that's how she's repays me? For 6 months, She lies and treats me like dirt when I've been treating her like a princess. Well I told her that it was me or Steven. She didn't reply so that was a subtle way of telling me she choose Steven. After about a week and a half, I'm walking down the halls to get lunch with my friends and I see her and Steven holding hands and my friend told me they were dating. I was angry, I instantly started swearing at the top of my lungs and then I just had nothing. I was just in the lunch line trying not to let a tear drop. How can she do that to me? I was her best friend, I let my own feelings drop to make her happy and that's how she repays me? I'm never the type to get cut down so easily. My friends could tell by my silent mood that I was not happy. They told me she's just a bitch and just to let it go. They were good friends, they at least tried to cheer me up but it did not work. I got home and typed up a long text message on my phone and told her off! I wish there were harsher words I couldn't used but there wasn't. It's been exactly 15 hours since then and now and it is a Saturday. I'm so torn down, I was always the loud mouth joker in my click of friends and I was always the one keeping the conversations. I can't hardly think of anything to say anymore, that day. When I fell silent, so did all my friends. I'm just not happy, I'm suppose to be a tough guy, the guy who tackled a player hard enough to knock his helmet off. The guy who was a respected athlete at school. Now, I'm letting some fucking girl make me feel like? I need advice before I really do decide to end it. I gave this girl so much, I listened so much, I helped so much, and she does that to me. I feel betrayed, Jealous, raged, so much.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It is a difficult situation you find yourself in and I am sorry for that- none of it is easy and none has clear simple answers. I could give you some "reasons" why things are working out the way they are - that she is just starting to get to know herself who she really is and wants to be therefore the who she is changes pretty dramatically from month to month , much less year to year; that if she had abuse issues she likely has some very serious trust issues that will take her time to resolve; that the stress of going from 8th grade to HS is considerable and typically involves changing friends and loyalties; that she is not old enough to be involved in a serious relationship (my daughter is that age and I will not let her "date" though i am a bit old fashioned maybe) - and several more. I could even mention some of these issues may apply to you as well, though you seem quite mature to be honest.
    What I will tell you instead is that I admittedly have no advice on how to fix it. And add a bit of life long advice for you - always take the high road when dealing with somebody you care about. it is perfectly reasonable to express yourself and say you are not happy or do not feel you are being treated fairly or even that you feel like you are trying harder than her and not getting the same in return. There is little to be gained by angry emails or texts, as without fail after the very brief feeling of satisfaction at having sent it you will feel bad and be making yourself feel worse than they ever made you feel. If you stay cordial and friendly, are there to listen when they need it but when it gets too much "take a day or two off" simply saying busy this weekend - talk to you on monday, or similar, it gives you the benefit of putting your thoughts in order before lashing out with anger or hurt. If they are being hurtful to you then step back a bit away from them and find somebody else to talk to for a while. Lists of "everything they did that was wrong" serve no great purpose to you or them, you are not trying to fix a 15 year marriage and airing of a list of grievances in that manner simply gives them power to hurt you more next time they are angry. Take the high road, be kind, but protect yourself and see what develops. That is why people "date" to get to know the person better over time, to see how things work in the longterm.... if they do not then there is little to do but move on a little wiser.

    Take Care and Be Safe
    Ben
     
  3. rexxthg123

    rexxthg123 New Member

    I have read the things you said. thank you for taking the time and listening at least. I don't think I should plan on talking to this girl at all anymore if I want to keep myself emotionally stable though. She tends to provoke me without even knowing it and now I can hardly even think about her without getting upset. After, it is a bit overwhelming to find her dating Steven, a formal close friend of mine after everything.
     
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