I'm so close to killing myself and I don't know what to do. Besides the plethora of mental illnesses I struggle with I also have a few physical issues as well. One of them are debilitating cluster headaches (different than migraines and much, much worse), I have currently been in this cluster for about a month and I'm really about to lose it. The pain at this point is so extreme I can't do anything. I try not to cry because crying makes it worse but I just end up sobbing on the couch unable to control my tears. Nothing really helps. I take narcotics but all they do is make me feel sick and sometimes take the edge off a little, sometimes I use weed which can help a little but it gives me the munchies and with my disordered eating behaviors I am terrified of the munchies. When I'm in this much pain (if you're interested in understanding the magnitude of the pain, look up cluster headaches on wikipedia, it's awful) I can't really cope with anything at all. Between this intense pain that I can't escape from and having no idea when this cluster will pass, and knowing that even when it does pass I know I'll just get hit with another one at some point, and dealing with my depression, anxiety, self hate, and disordered eating I just can't cope. I have run out of strength and hope I have nothing left. All I want is to die. I have everything necessary to kill myself but I have been fighting the urge as much as I possibly can. Plus I did the stupidest thing ever and weighed myself and when I saw I hadn't lost weight (I haven't been able to exercise because of the headache) I had a total meltdown and completely triggered myself. I can't battle all of this anymore. I hate myself and I'm never going to get better. I just want to kill myself, nothing else will end this pain for good. I'm tired of fighting, tired of "staying strong", tired of therapy, tired of feeling this way, tired of being a burden to everyone in my life. I've done my part, I've pushed myself past limits I didn't know I could, I've tried everything I could think of. I've left no stone unturned. I'm just never going to get better. I can't suffer forever in this hell. I need to kill myself. I need to be dead. My future is bleak at best if I live, I really don't think I can hold out much longer.