I need Hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GirlofNight, Jan 16, 2013.

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  1. GirlofNight

    GirlofNight Member

    I'm so close to killing myself and I don't know what to do. Besides the plethora of mental illnesses I struggle with I also have a few physical issues as well. One of them are debilitating cluster headaches (different than migraines and much, much worse), I have currently been in this cluster for about a month and I'm really about to lose it. The pain at this point is so extreme I can't do anything. I try not to cry because crying makes it worse but I just end up sobbing on the couch unable to control my tears. Nothing really helps. I take narcotics but all they do is make me feel sick and sometimes take the edge off a little, sometimes I use weed which can help a little but it gives me the munchies and with my disordered eating behaviors I am terrified of the munchies. When I'm in this much pain (if you're interested in understanding the magnitude of the pain, look up cluster headaches on wikipedia, it's awful) I can't really cope with anything at all.

    Between this intense pain that I can't escape from and having no idea when this cluster will pass, and knowing that even when it does pass I know I'll just get hit with another one at some point, and dealing with my depression, anxiety, self hate, and disordered eating I just can't cope. I have run out of strength and hope I have nothing left. All I want is to die. I have everything necessary to kill myself but I have been fighting the urge as much as I possibly can.

    Plus I did the stupidest thing ever and weighed myself and when I saw I hadn't lost weight (I haven't been able to exercise because of the headache) I had a total meltdown and completely triggered myself.

    I can't battle all of this anymore. I hate myself and I'm never going to get better. I just want to kill myself, nothing else will end this pain for good. I'm tired of fighting, tired of "staying strong", tired of therapy, tired of feeling this way, tired of being a burden to everyone in my life. I've done my part, I've pushed myself past limits I didn't know I could, I've tried everything I could think of. I've left no stone unturned. I'm just never going to get better.

    I can't suffer forever in this hell. I need to kill myself. I need to be dead. My future is bleak at best if I live, I really don't think I can hold out much longer.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry about your pain and difficulties. Are you seeing an actual headache specialist neurologist for your headaches? Either that or an actual pain management clinic should be able to find some relief for you - the opiate pain relievers while not the best answer certainly will work if prescribed correctly, as well as multitudes of other drugs and treatments available that a GP may simply not be fully aware of.
    If you are not getting therapy for the eating issues I would make that a priority as maintaining a stable blood sugar would help a lot with the headaches as well.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun never say never hun you cannot read into the future. With the right help and support you headaches can be managed hun so talk to your doctor try different medication ok and eat properly so your headached do not worsen hugs
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Have you ever found out the cause of the headaches? As previously stated, are you in any treatment program for them? I'm sorry you are feeling so low :( Keep talking here, if it helps x
  5. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Hang on, Girl. Vent some more. What do you do for a living? How old are you?
    I've been sufferig from depression for a long time - I'm at teh point where I just can't stand being around people, although I hate being alone too (single that is). I try to find what little things I can in my life to look forward to. Is there anything going on in your life, with work or hobbies or something good, even miniscule? Vent a little...
  6. GirlofNight

    GirlofNight Member

    Thanks everyone. I do go to the doctor for them but the medicines I've tried have never helped the pain, I am going back tomorrow actually to talk about finding a new neurologist and maybe a pain clinic. I am in therapy and see a therapist and a shrink to try to handle my eating issues as well as my anxiety and depression. I spent 9 weeks in a treatment center recently for my eating and depression and what not. Hasn't really helped yet, but I'm pretty stubborn.

    I just don't know to get past how much I want to die. The physical pain is so unbearable and my emotional state is so unstable I spend my days obsessing and planning my suicide. I don't work because I'm not mentally stable enough to work (go me), I spend most of my time alone in my house, I'm a bit of an agoraphobic and I've lost most of my friends because of this. My paranoia has gotten pretty bad and if I get triggered enough I can have dissociative moments and moments of psychosis. I'm a total disaster of a person, I know. One more reason why I and everyone in my life would be better off if I were dead.

    I'm sorry, I'm in such a negative mood. I'm basically looking for reasons to end things. I don't know how to keep living and I'm scared. I'm trying, I am in therapy, seeing a shrink, working on meds, I'm really trying. But I can't seem to stop wanting to die.
  7. 2whisper

    2whisper New Member

    I'm in pain all the time too. Have you ever tried acupuncture?
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