Sorry that you've suffered and are suffering so much. That's really awful. I hope that something can help.
not that stuff like “most attempts don’t work”, more like “coffee when u wake up” or “the sunset”. idk if anyone knows what i mean lol
I think that makes sense. If I'm reading it right, it sounds like you don't want reassuring statements, but rather some practical things that can give you hope for getting better.
The links in my signature have some information about treatment methods. The treatment methods are mostly centered around depression, but many also apply to conditions like PTSD and anxiety.
Here's a copy of the links in case you're on a phone
Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia and General Help
Acupressure Self-Massage for Depression, Insomnia, and Anxiety
If you feel at risk for an attempt, it's probably best to get on medication. It sounds like getting therapy might be good for you. If there are barriers to getting therapy that you are facing, we might be able to help you with that.
Acupuncture and traditional Chinese herbal medicine are two of my favorite treatment methods, and I can say more about the subject if you are interested.
Not consuming anything raw or cold (including water), and eating only freshly cooked foods helped me a lot and it might help you too.
A member here has recommended
The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns. It's a book about CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT is one of the best styles of therapy for treating depression, and there's evidence that learning the techniques on your own can help.
If you suffered sexual abuse as a child a member here has mentioned a book called
The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, for survivors of child sex abuse.
Curing Depression Naturally with Chinese Medicine is a book that has a lot of self-help methods for depression. It may only be available used, or as an e-book.
Practices like meditation, yoga, or qi gong might be worth trying too.
A daily exercise routine may help. Going for a brisk 20-30 minute walk each day may help you, just intense enough to barely break a sweat. You may want to switch to less intense exercise during the winter though.
I hope something can help