I need objectivity, is he right about me?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Frances M, Sep 1, 2016.

  1. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hello all,

    I really need some help. I'll try to keep it short. Some people know I'm suffering emotional abuse from my bf, and that I'm stuck in my situation until the spring. I'm trying hard to detach and find ways to cope.

    We were having a great week, I thought we had a breakthrough. He's been working on something that he's really enjoying and I've been really supportive by listening to him, not bothering him when he says he's writing and overall trying to do my own thing.

    But yesterday I guess I was getting lonely. We were supposed to go fishing, so he stopped his writing with that intention and we drove to the dock. I was happy we were going to spend a few hours together. The dock was filled so we decided to go another time. As soon as we got home, he wanted to go back to his computer.

    I felt slightly rejected, but I said nothing. I did however say, and trust me, as gently and as non-emotionally as I could, "Can we spend some time together? If we were fishing we'd be together the next few hours, how about now?"

    He IMMEDIATELY got frustrated and angry with me, accusing me of "always trying to sabotage his work when he's on a roll". How is that sabotage? I asked. He said because "I make him feel so guilty about wanting to work that he loses his creativity and can't write anymore for days." Apparently this is a pattern in me.

    Then, out of nowhere, he said "do you think the Prozac is doing anything?" I reminded him that just yesterday morning I'd come to him very happy and proud, saying that I felt so calm and relaxed and my food wasn't getting stuck and he said he was proud of me too, so why was he asking me again now, he said "I don't think it's having any effect because you haven't changed." CHANGED? Omg...talk about trying to sabotage my own efforts to feel better. To me, that was using my attempt to improve myself against me. Why would he even say that?

    SF, I HONESTLY cannot see how I am sabotaging his work when I just asked if we could spend time together. I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie, he said "No, but I will now that I can't write anymore".

    I mean, that's heaps of blame on me. He chewed me out for an hour after that, to which I tried to defend myself (stupidly) then eventually (as usual) agreed to everything, took the blame, apologized and promised it wouldn't happen again. He told me I was full of sh*t and I haven't seen him since last night. He never came to bed and locked himself in his office again.

    I'm usually the person who tries to see the positive in everything. I am now doubting myself, wondering if I am really the problem here. I'm even doubting if I should continue taking the Prozac because maybe it's not really helping me at all. I can't seem to say anything right and I'm so lonely and upset. I know it'll pass and I'll start to feel better again, but today I just needed to talk about this.

    I thought I had all of my coping strategies down pat so that I could weather the winter until I have the means to move on, but last night proved to me that I feel completely useless and I do feel like dirt. Now I'm being given the silent treatment.

    I'm trying to be strong, I have no choice to see this through until March or April and it's proving to be more than I can handle.

    Thanks for listening. And to those who think I need to leave, trust me, I wish I could, it's not realistically feasible at this time. :(
  2. Melchior

    Melchior Member

    I really don't see how this could be your fault. I mean, you just wanted some attention and affection, and that's not something that should be a chore. :( I really don't understand his mentality.

    I don't know anything about Prozac, but I doubt any medication will have full effects right away, and I also doubt they are going to make someone happy all the time when they are not in a good environment... For him to even bring that up insinuating it's your fault just sickens me. :(

    I don't really know what else to say. I just don't understand it. I don't know what he wants, but it doesn't seem natural to me.
    Frances M likes this.
  3. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I don't understand it either. And when I ask what he wants from me, you know in general, what does he want in a girlfriend, he says "nothing, I love you the way you are." It's very confusing. Well, I know that most treatments are fully effective (if they work for you) up to 6 weeks after you start. I'd been on them 4 days but I did feel more calm.

    He does make my wanting attention sound like a chore to him, he says I'm too "needy" whenever he's working. He works up to 12 hours a day and we're on completely different schedules. He stays up until 5am, comes to bed, I wake up at 8am, he wakes up around 3pm, he works, we meet for dinner and maybe a movie, then he's back to work. Sometimes I feel like a roommate or a housekeeper more than a girlfriend. Last night he got mad when I said that I was too emotionally exhausted to cook. He always thinks I'm doing things out of spite. He's really messed up and I'm sure hates women to the core or something.

    I went out with the dogs today because I couldn't stand being at home. When I got home, he just called down and said he's going to bed because he doesn't feel well. He's a very seasoned avoider. I'm so sick of him, I was crying on the drive home because I just didn't want to go home to silence, its' so uncomfortable living in silence when you know you have a significant other locked in another room hating you for no apparent reason. I kind of said out loud "I want to go somewhere where I feel safe" and I cried really hard that I had to stop the car. My little dog licked my face and I felt better.
  4. RainbowCoyote

    RainbowCoyote Well-Known Member

    First, i would like to say very best of luck and i hope you can pull through until the spring. I have faith in you.

    Second, i know how it feels to be with someone super absorbed in something else. My partner would get like that with various things, leaving me, as you felt, kind of deprived from affection. Now, the difference is we could talk it out and not have any fear of each other attacking the other, so i cannot say i COMPLETELY know how you feel. I do know, though, that if you ever compromise your happiness for anyone else it has negative effects on you. I am by no means a doctor, but i have been there before in a previous relationship and friendship. I am sure you know as well as i it is an awful place to be in. My advice is find people (if you are able to) that can give you support and friendship you need to get through harder times.

    And third, you are 100% not sabotaging his work. I am a writer myself, now i don't know what he writes but i am a novelist and yeah, when you get into a good drive it can be hard to pick it up again later, but it will come back. There have been PLENTY of times when i have gotten into a drive and my partner wanted to, for example, watch a movie with me. Yeah, that disrupts the drive, but it should NEVER be work/hobby OR partner. If your work or hobby takes the place of your partner you need to rethink things. Do i get upset if my partner disrupts my drive? Sometimes. Can i get over it? 100% of the time.
    Now, i am not saying that your partner should be #1 100% of the time, sometimes you do get sick of each other, and in such cases a simple "I want to write now, can we do something later" would suffice. If that is every single time, though, it would cause friction.

    In the end, no. It is 100% not your fault, you 100% do not sabotage it. Your feelings are valid and you have done nothing wrong.
    Best of luck, be strong, have faith in yourself.
    Love and Courage.
    Piexes and Frances M like this.
  5. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Thanks so much for your reply. It's nice to hear someone who can really relate to the "drive" part of it, because he really blames me for any time he "loses" it. He has ADHD, so I always thought...maybe he's right, I threw him off balance and because of the ADHD, he can't get back to it...

    I told him that all he had to say was something nice like "I love you, but I'm really into my writing, can we meet up at X o'clock?" and he'd get a good response, we wouldn't have to go through this nonsense and drama all over again every time. He said "It's easy to use 'you should have's' in retrospect"...it's like he will NEVER take any responsibility...ugh.

    He was super remorseful (as per usual) about an hour ago, but I'm having a really hard time caring about it anymore. He said I did nothing wrong and he reacted badly. But even though his remorse seems to be getting more sincere, the damage is done. We can't go one week without this kind of thing happening. I'm always walking on eggshells and making sure I word things correctly and talk gently...it's like living with a tantrum-riddled child. I don't feel comfortable in my own home.

    I really appreciate your response. Even though my bf eventually validated my feelings of being neglected lately, it means more to hear it from someone else! That says a lot doesn't it?
  6. RainbowCoyote

    RainbowCoyote Well-Known Member

    Your welcome. I know what it is like to hear something time and again and have it lose the 'unf' it once had.

    And a little advice, if you are willing to take it, i know it is hard to do in the heat of the moment and you cannot control what your bf does, but using phrases like "You" and "but" are very accusing words that make people get defensive. In my own relationship we have decided that using these words is not something we should do if we were mad at each other. The difference is insane between "You didn't do the dishes" and "Today the dishes didn't get done and now we need to do them later" or "We didn't get to the dishes today."
    Now i know it may not work, i know it is not your responsibility to make sure he doesn't react negatively, and you can only control what you do, but it might help.

    Anyway, i certainly do not know everything, and i don't claim to, but if you ever need anyone to talk to i'm here.

    Strength and courage.
    Frances M likes this.
  7. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Thanks :) I'm open to all advice. I've changed my approach to him so many times I've lost count. I always try to us "I" statements but he says I'm using "shrink talk" on him. Saying "we didn't get to the dishes today" sounds normal to a normal person. He'll react with "why don't you just say it instead of beating around the bush, I DIDN'T DO THE DISHES, isn't that what you wanted to say?" Anger...it's enough to drive a girl crazy sometimes, there is no way to talk to him about anything that he could construe as a complaint or criticism. But then how do I make my needs known? I don't. I've learned to just keep quiet, but my natural defenses surface at times when I feel rather brave, only to bite me in the butt over and over...
  8. Piexes

    Piexes Well-Known Member

    I've read your post that went into more depth about your situation. You seem like a very empathetic person, while he on the other hand is not, has said that he is not, and does not have the emotional maturity to even try to be less selfish. The examples you've given show that he consistently invalidates your feelings by saying you are overreacting or that you are too sensitive, he twists your words into being "manipulative"( wanting affection is not a selfish thing, it's a basic human desire), he blows up at any sign of criticism (while feeling free to dish it out whenever he wants) rather than accepting responsibility for his own actions and emotional over-reactions. He places the blame onto you for his emotional responses, refuses to meet you half way or apologize, and you get so worn down and confused by his projection, hostility and blame, that you end up apologizing (despite not wanting to or even needing to). He is draining you emotionally, and is not willing to pull himself up by the bootstraps to meet you halfway in this relationship. I especially do not like the way he uses your own problems (that you are actively getting help for- unlike him) as a way to invalidate your own perceptions and feelings- that is straight up manipulation. I don't like men who try to chip away at women's own perceptions, because they are too weak to look into a mirror and manage their emotions in an honest way. It's like he wants you to be his mommy.

    I know you have a while until you can leave him. I really hope you can stay safe and sane in the meantime. I would suggest reaching out to people in your community, you've reached out here and that's good, but I think a friend or even acquaintances or anything outside of the internet might help even more, if this is a possibility for you.
    Frances M and Melchior like this.
  9. RainbowCoyote

    RainbowCoyote Well-Known Member

    It really is a shame that anyone is put in the position that you are in, people who meet criticism with anger are really hard people to deal with.
    It is tough to deal with, too, when you are constantly being put down. In a previous relationship of mine, my partner would do quite similar things; if i said anything about her fluid sexual orientation i was being homophobic, etc, but she could sit there and tear me a new asshole about "well if you're not sure if you're gay/straight/bi then how do i know you really want to be with me" to skim the surface. It is such a hard thing to deal with, ESPECIALLY when you are trying to improve yourself, and, oh heavens, i know that "staying strong" sounds easy, or is easy for someone else to say, but sometimes all of your strength just gets diminished when that one person you WANT validation from just tears you down.
    I hope you can find somewhere safe inside yourself to help you with everything, and i hope you can find somewhere safe within your community. Everyone deserves those two things.
    Frances M likes this.
  10. RainbowCoyote

    RainbowCoyote Well-Known Member

    I agree; Love and Affection should not be a chore, it should be your break from chores.
    Frances M likes this.
  11. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Thank you Lillium. I find sometimes my heart is too big. I'm one of those people who used to fall to pieces at heart-warming insurance commercials...the problem with his "lack of empathy" is that I KNOW he has it in him, he just chooses it at convenience. In the past, he's had empathy for me and for the pets when they're ill. It's there, he just puts the wall up so that he doesn't have to feel it. I see this as his way of desperately trying to control the situation. I do feel that he's draining me emotionally, and for me that is the worst type of abuse. And yes, I told him one time I don't want to be put in the "mom" role. I said that when he yelled at me, ran to his office and locked the door. When he let me in later, he simply glared silently at the wall with his arms crossed as I tried to resolve the issue. He was acting like a rebellious teenager being chewed out by his mother. And I'm not a yeller, I always talk very calmly and get to the point. But he looks at me with such hatred...he even tells me he hates me, it's childish and I get very hurt by it.

    And I do agree that he is extremely emotionally immature and doesn't know how to deal with strong emotions, except with anger. He once told me that he's proud being the "strong, silent type", I responded by telling him most women think the "strong silent type" is equal to "a weak man who doesn't know how to show or deal with his emotions"...he looked puzzled when I said that. But I can't help him at all, HE has to help himself and if he doesn't soon, I'll be gone and I do know he'll regret it. He doesn't take me seriously when I tell him that I can't see things working out unless he makes some changes for himself. But that too, I've stopped asking for, there's no point asking a person to make changes if they don't think they need to. But I think that he just doesn't want to. He's very lazy by nature and that's a big problem. He grew up in a wealthy family and is very self-entitled. He's got some kind of hidden chip on his shoulder and feels that the world owes him. I feel like I'm analyzing him...I shouldn't do that because no matter how I try to understand him, the end result is that he is hurting me and refuses to make efforts to stop. It will take me packing up and leaving for him to finally take things seriously but then it'll be too late because once I end something, it's finished for me.

    This is the part that has been tearing me up for a long time. That I know it's going to come down to that and there will be no reconciliation because when I reach that point, I only want to move on. This is why I've been so forgiving, patient and hopeful up to this point. Deep down I love him a lot and when things are good, we are extremely compatible. It's those few days a week (now) that are dictating the outcome now. I feel as though I'm being forced to make the decision, like he's testing how far he can push my limits. I resent that a lot.
  12. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Staying strong is a very difficult thing to do when you are emotionally beaten up and exhausted by it. As long as I have my dogs by my side, I really do feel safe. I mean..I'm not worried about being physically harmed, really I'm not at all. In my youth I used to box and I have that confidence to defend myself physically plus I know he won't dare touch me because he knows the police will get involved. But my dogs give me that emotional strength because they are so loving, goofy and fun to be with. They are adorable and they need me, so they are giving me structure when some days I just want to stay in bed.

    I despise anger...how is that for redundancy??? I hate hate...anyway...I was brought up in a household of constant anger and it really gets to me. I feel physically ill when things get angry. He knows it, but says he forgets how bad I react to it. Always with the apologies after and the promises to "do better". I'm not above admitting that he IS doing better, but it's taking a long LONG time.