I need one reason not to do it, thats it...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wibble, May 31, 2009.

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  1. wibble

    wibble Well-Known Member

    Guys

    Right, I'm back here again, back in the shitpan.

    Basically, I tried to kill myself 2 months ago, I took a shitload of <Mod Edit: Abacus21 - methods> and ended up in Hospital. Long story short, nothings changed.
    • I'm still shouted and screamed at at home, my mum makes everything about her and her job
    • my dad drinks and doest come home til stupid o'clock in the morning, He talks to the dog more than he does to me
    • I can't sleep, its the one thing I enjoy
    • I've been priced out of my only hobby
    • my OCD is out of control again.
    • I have no friends, those people who do speak to me only take the piss
    • Im going to loose my job because my sales are in the toilet
    • No woman wants me because of the way I look
    • The one girl I do like has put me firmly in the "friends" catagory and hardly speaks to me anymore.
    • people still spit at me in the street because I am so ugly
    • My novel has been rejected by 5 publishing companies and my agent dropped me
    • I still killed my best friend
    • my uncle is still wanting yet more money

    I would have thought things might have changed, but they never do. All that happens is it gets worse and worse and I'm getting more and more desperate. Things are trending downwards, and to be honest, I'm not sure thats something I want to be a part of any more.

    Now, I reckon if I had a girlfriend, or some friends who actually genuinely liked me, I might have a chance of having a semi-happy life. I'm not after anything earth shattering, just someone who actually likes me and wants to be with me. Its not like I've got an overwhelming desire to die, like I did a couple of months ago, I just don't see the point in being alive if all life is going to be is just one constant cycle of hollow joy and bitter disappointment. I honestly feel like the modern day Job.

    So look, what do I do? if I had something or someone to live for, it might mae things easier.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 3, 2009
  2. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear about your situation, when i read what you posted i know the only thing that struck my mind was that in the moment i realised just how lucky i was.
    :hugtackles:
    wish you were closer, you sound like the sort of person i would want to be one of my friends.
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Wow. Sorry you're dealing with so much!

    Is there any way you can move out on your own? Sounds like your parents only make the situation worse.

    What kind of novel did you write?

    Like the poster above said, you sound like someone I'd like to be friends with. PM me if you ever feel like talking.
     
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    i'm sorry for all you are going through

    what jumped out at me, from your post, was regarding a girlfriend.

    having a girlfriend (or bf, or relationship, etc) does not necessarily make things better.

    it is like the ever tempting geographical change. we run away. but our problems are still with us no matter where we go

    likewise, no matter who we are 'with', we are still 'us'. at the core, and no getting around from that.

    lately i have contemplated pursuit of """self-acceptance"""".

    as i write these words to you, i'd be dishonest to say that loneliness and being without a soulmate or partner, is very very hard. i believe we all seek this companionship.
    yet, at those times that it eludes us, we do not necessarily have to feel diminished.

    always- i wish you well. i am glad you posted.
    xxxxx
     
  5. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    this is difficult to comment on, i just would like to say you are not alone.
     
  6. wibble

    wibble Well-Known Member

    Well, i've had an honest think about things, and I've come to the conclusion that I might as well do it. Today has really just brought home how soul crushingly monotonous and dull my life is, and the worst thing is theres no way out.

    Today and yesterday was a typical example of what I live with. I had my mother threatening suicide to get me to side with her in an argument that's been going on for days. She got in a mood with me at me in Asda after I backed out of buying diet pills that cost me a fucking fortune and would make me shit myself. My dad spoke to me for all of 5 minutes before going off to the pub and then woke me up slamming doors at 1am.

    At work I sold sod all. My manager and his manager have been applying the thumbscrews with comments like "do you really think this is the job for you" and "why the fuck havn't you sold anything this hour?". Aside from that, my extended family havn't bothered getting in touch, apart from my uncle who wants money. I had an e-mail from my agent at long last telling me my novel wasn't what the market wanted in light of the Dan Brown inspired shitfest all over the shelves at the moment but if I write something "in the tradition of Dan Brown" he'll take a look.

    and of course, I'm still fucking unwanted.

    So I think I'm going to give it a week, see how things go. If their still shit, then I'll eat my shotgun next monday, if not, then I'll take it day by day.

    litl3r3d: You're in the midlands right? Im in Yorkshire.

    WildCherry: Moving out isnt an option. If I do, my mum will feck off to Africa and I'll never see her again, and my dad will probably hit the bottle harder than ever. As for my book, its a cross between "Millenium" and "the omen"

    mdmefontaine: I take your point, the idea of validation beyond the self is somewhat of a misnomer. It would be nice if someone wanted to be with me though, just so I can think I'm normal and not some kind of inhuman freak undeserving of any happiness.

    Sudut: I've read your signature and I also read the Bible quite a lot. Seems to me that although God promises much, he delivers little. Joel Osteen, Benny Hinn, Jesse Duplantis, The Potters and loads of others all mention the goodness of God, where is it in my life? Saying "Your not alone" is like saying to a kid trapped down a well "don't worry, you're sisters drowning at sea".
     
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I've never read either of those books, but I looked them up on Amazon, just to see what they were about. They look really good, and so if your novel is a cross between the two, it sounds like it would be interesting too. Sucks that your agent isn't willing to see that.

    I've never read either of those books; but I was curious, so checked them out on Amazon. They look interesting, and if your novel is a cross between the two, it's probably damn good. Sucks that your agent doesn't see that.

    I'm trying not to sound difficult when I say this. From what I gather by your post, if you're not living with your parents, everything will go to hell (your mum going to Africa, your dad hitting the bottle). But chances are, if you kill yourself, the same thing will probably happen. At least if you moved out, they wouldn't be able to shout at you anymore, or ignore you anymore, or make you feel bad. Then you'd have a chance to live your life the way you want to. At least if you took the option of moving, your life would still have hope; where if you were gone, obviously, all hope would be too.

    I don't even know if that made any sense. Sorry. I'm typing this out through my Cell, and now it won't let me go back and read what I wrote.
     
  8. WillST

    WillST Active Member

    May be nobody picked up his novel because he doesn't know the difference between 'loose' and 'lose'? The murderer thing probably doesn't help either.
     
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Wow. Way to be supportive.

    I've done proofreading for a newspaper in the past; but I still make my fair share of typos or spelling mistakes. People are here to talk about the fact that they're suicidal, not to be critiqued about their spelling and grammar.
     
  10. wibble

    wibble Well-Known Member

    I'm dyslexic and you're a cock. Thanks for sharing.
     
  11. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    willsv

    have you ever considerd that maybe your quick judgement of people maybe the reason why you see yourself as a lonely soul?
     
  12. brokenheart

    brokenheart Member

    If no one will give your novel a shot I have a suggestion.

    give it away for free and you will probably at least make some money.

    Kind of like the musicians who sell their CDs out of the trunk of their cars.

    Start a blog and post one chapter at a time. go to all of the social networking sites and writers forums and give links to your blog. you maybe can get a bunch of traffic and comments.

    you can make money with google adsense and selling banner ads on your blog.

    I can help you get to the top of the search engines if you want. Of course I can't guarantee anything but at least it will give you something to look forward to everyday.

    blogs are free and as you write more novels, sell them as e-books from your blog. if the first one is good then people will have no problem buying a novel for $5.00. you might be surprised at how well you do.

    It seems like you need a success chalked up on your belt.

    I started blogging after my daughter died and in my emotional state I lost my job and couldn't find another one. I started with a stupid blog that wound up making about $10.00 a week then I got it up to $200.00 a month and then $200.00 a week. I now have 3 blogs doing about the same and I am working on number 4.

    I doubt I'll get rich but when I blog, it is the only time during the day that I am not crying and thinking about suicide.

    Just a thought. Your novel isn't doing anything right now and maybe if you brought some enjoyment to others it would make you fell better about yourself. Who knows, if the blog is a success, then maybe you will get noticed in many different ways.

    Just a thought.
     
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