i need peace

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Apr 17, 2011.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    My head won't stop. Emotions are all over the place, crying one minute, angry the next..I don't do crying, cryin only happens for me when life is too much and I can't fight no more. I was told to keep fighting as life will get better...it doesn't, I have tried, I've tried to live, I've tried to die, I've tried drink, I've tried drugs, I've tried counselling but still I end up feeling that I have no more purpose here on earth. I still struggle to cope, nothing major needs to happen for me to be pushed back into darkness..its just me. I'm not able to settle in any place, any area, or with myself. I'm not able to deal with anything. I used to think maybe I will be ok, but I never felt it would be and the only time I was truely happy was each time I believed I was going to succeed in taking control over life and ending it. I just want out, I have a lot of what I need and I'm now wanting more then ever to die. I see my 4th counsellor tomorrow and I'm not sure if there is any point in fighting, when I just want to die. I want to die, I want out and my plans are going to be complete soon. I just have no more fight left. I'm weak, pathetic and useless in life. In death I want peace.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi lost child. you have survived so many terrible things. you are not weak. i really admire you. you are a survivor.

    it's not time to give up.maybe this counsellor will be the one who can truly help you. it's worth giving it a shot, right? go and see what happens. be brave. i'll be thinking of you.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    There are times when we feel like this and these are the times to reach out and see who we can change the course to try other things...all it takes is one good suggestion, one way to do things differently to find out we have not tried everything...I know you feel overwhelmed, but there are many ppl here who might have another way of doing/seeing things...please continue to advocate for the care and support you deserve...J
  4. objectsinmirrors

    objectsinmirrors Well-Known Member

    Hi Lostchild,

    It sounds like what youre dealing with is incredibly painful and difficult. I'm glad you're going to counseling even if it doesn't seem to be helping. Sometimes when i'm feeling awful and like i have no purpose i try to dream of what would make my life meaningful and try to take some small steps to work towards that. for me its being a foster parent, writing a memoir, and being happier. Do you have any dreams or goals, or have they all just faded away? I know this is very difficult, but i sincerely hope you are able to hold on.

    I'm here if you want to talk further.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Lost_Child.. I know you feel that you have done everything you can to be happy.. Maybe this new counselar will be the one you can connect with...It's hard to find one you can trust all the way.. Give it a go and talk to her/him from the heart.. Don't hold back..Just remeber it takes one step at a time.. They can't go over all your issues at once..I wish you the best!!
  6. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I will go and see her tomorrow, just that every time I see her and its been about 4 times she says that unless I can open up to her there is no point me being there... If it was something like 20th, or even 10 then I could understand it but I dont know her that well, I've opened up about somethings but it feels like she's saying that she cant help me, that because I cant just trust someone that I have to leave as she dont want to help or anything....I've been rejected by 3 counsellors, ok, 2 left suddenly due to personal problems and the other one said that my needs were to pyschologocial for the counselling she could offer...that to me is rejection, some may see it different, and mentally I understand, but emotionally I dont...mentally im older then my emotional age...thats how stupid I am..

    I hate this life so much, i wanted change, now..I dont know what i want. I dont have any dreams or hopes for the future...dreams get shattered, for me anyway, and hopes just fade away or I fail at everything i start...now I have no future, i see no future, and not seeing a future means that I dont have one....

    Im sorry, i wish i could escape this conflicting, non stopping arguement and confusion that this head gives....the ailen I feel in this body and never understand exactly what I feel as the head says one thing, the body says something else and none ever seem to agree....thats messed up.
  7. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Hi lost child. As everyone has already said, you have been through a lot and your still standing. Maybe you can see that as a bad thing but it shows your a fighter which I can tell you are anyway. Try this councillor and explain how the ones before her that quit on you has effected you. Maybe she might understand more. Do they know how suicidal you are now? If not would you tell her?

    Please don't give up. You deserve so much better. Ending it like this would not give you the life you deserve.
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Lost Child. You've been fighting hard for many years now, which shows that you're a very strong person. You've overcome so much in your life, please don't give up now hun. You're a really nice person and I hope that you will continue doing everything that you can to overcome your depression and suicidal thoughts. :hug: :cheekkiss:
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