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I need serious help. I don't know for how long I can keep myself safe

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Mari, Aug 16, 2015.

  1. Mari

    Mari New Member

    I've been feeling suicidal for a while now, since I was 13, I'm 21 now, but I've always managed to remind myself it's not fair for my family or the friends I had at the time. Around the beginning of this year, I did try to do so, what happened is that, my partner cheated on me, at the moment I didn't know about it, I was just feeling overwhelmed and lonely since I feel I've grown apart from most of my friends, even my family, I have issues with my parents since my brother molests me, and they know about it but they say they can't do anything about it. long story short, the only person I felt close to, and comfortable with was my partner. At the moment she had this they didn't know each other for that long but they were very close, I felt that little by little she was replacing me, but I was afraid she'd get mad if I said something about it, because she's had her fair share of problems dealing with depression. the thing is that she visits this friend, and starts posting things online that made me feel very uncomfortable, and I decided I could at least tell her if she could tone it down a bit (it was hard for me since we were from different countries, so, to see online stuff like they were cuddling and such, made me feel a bit envious and uncomfortable). indeed she got very upset and refused to talk to me most of the days she was there with this person, I was freaking out because I felt that I fucked up by telling her that, and that I was losing the only person I was close with. I got so scared one night I tried to kill myself, I was so scared I tried to call her but she wouldn't answer.. In the end she did but again she barely said anything, she seemed upset herself. When she comes back home, she confesses me, that night she got so upset, the only way this friend thought she could calm her down was kissing her and such, I was broken inside and still these days I feel how much it messed me up. it was a very nasty situation, painful and all that since she didn't want to give up her friendship with this girl, who at the same time kept having these attitudes towards my girlfriend, flirting with her and such.. it was bad. Nowadays, she's not longer friends with this girl and we've been okay, but now she has a new friend, and again I have this feeling I'm being replaced because whenever she can't talk with this person, she's all over me and such, when they talk it's like I don't exist. I've tried to get a visa to visit my girlfriend, but I've got it denied three times already, right now I feel terribly upset about it, but I barely get to talk to my girlfriend about this because she's always talking to this person... I don't know I just feel that I'm being replaced. that something is wrong with me that the first thing happened, maybe that's also because why I've gotten my visa rejected so many times, even having all the right documentation, extra documents that support my case all that, Idk. I don't feel comfortable being here anymore, living. I feel pressured to keep going since some people say they have faith in me, I don't have faith in me, I've lost all my confidence. I don't know anymore, I'm trying my best to look for something I can hold onto, something I can say "I'll keep going for this" but I don't seem to find any, I know for a fact it won't be myself, I honestly lost all hope for myself.