i need so much help!!! i just need to talk!!!

#1
hey... lols things been crazy crazy. i was drugged and abused by a group of builders in my house at the age of 6. they did it repeatedly.. it was very planned. very. they would give the drink, then get in and do whatever they could within the space of ten minutes. my parents were at home and downstairs even. they also said crazy stuff whilst they messed with me... like that i not gonna be believed so why bother telling anyone, that noone likes me, and that no one gonna listen to me. the guys took turns. they fought over me. one stood at the the door on the lookout whilst they abused themselves in front of me, and took turns fighting over and abusing me. it was not fun.
but the problem was that i didn't know. not until 15 years later- at the least. you see, the drugs. all they made was a black hole. it followed me everywhere. i thought i was just insane. how could i possibly be different to my classmates? what was this thing that was hounding me? it was just always there and always with me.
being scared of men didn't strike me as weird. i was scare of my own dad. i didn't know why.
i have been abused by a relative and a nurse as well....
i didn't know anything of my experience until one day i woke up and wanted out. i wanted to live on the streets and be drunk and abused until i die. i wanted to be tortured and raped and murdered. i wanted to lie in my own filth in the streets... and be kicked on , spat on, and urinated on. i wanted to marry a drunk who would bring his friends home to rape, scar and burn me evry night. i wanted to be tortured and captured and on drugs and ..... well......... live a hideous life.
funny thing is that this came overnight. i am a great kid with a high quality life. i have great family and am close to them.
but because of this abuse that had been waiting to attack me...
suddenly
it was all gone.
i cannot describe where i wanted to be. nothing was bad enough. i wanted to be worse and more wicked and more immoral than the wickedest person out.
i wanted out,
not death
just a life of filth and dirt and rolling in the gutters.


i do not give up. i am a great kid and i fought for my life. i fought so so so hard not to rent myself out (i didn't even want that- i wanted to do it all for free- just for the flipping badness of it).
but i fought and i fought and i fought to maintain normal relationships and a healthy lifestyle. for 6 years. six years. nobody knew.
nightmare
nightmare of a lifetime.

i just wanted out so badly.. i would walk past the homeless and the drunks and just be jealous of them..
and no one knew.

i was going through all the hells on earth- plus more.

eventually people listened. eventually i got help. they said it was ocd though now they say it wasn't. i had to have two doctors at once and a brain scan because they thought it was too weird and must be a brain tumor. but it wasn't. i had two doctor at once simply because they didn't know how to deal with me.
i went on a medication which made me nauseous every day and another one that made me so dizzy that i used to lie on the floor and scream that i am falling off.
eventulalyl going off these crazy meds was a story in itself- another trauma.

my family did not help financially. i am young and was not well enough to work full time- often i quit work for months and jstu lay in bed witht ocd- and i spent 23000 on help. no joke. 23 000. nhs put me on a waiting list but i wasnt well enough to wait a year so there it goes. 23000
now money is running out. i need to go to a trauma residential center and i dont know here the finances will come from. my dad already said he aint giving me a penny for it. nice of him.


i did well for like half a year and then fell into this... i dunno. its kind of ptsd and ocd and anxiety and depression but apparently its neither. my dad wants me to go to top doctors but i dont have the money so i dont quite know what he is thinking.

meanwhile i am spending my days going places just to cry with money for transport that i just dont have.
and being told off i am seen to be a bit sad.

i want to leave home but have nowhere to go.
i need help but i dont have the finances.

life is so hard at the moment...
 

JDot

remember to drink plenty of water
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
It sounds like you're in a lot of pain after everything you've been through. You'll be in my thoughts.
 

MosesY

Recovering Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#3
What you went through is terrible. What you are going though now is terrible. The people who hurt you will eventually pay for it with karma. We care about you and will comfort you here and try to make you feel better. I would suggest forgiving the people who hurt you. This will make a big difference in your outlook. Look to the future instead of the past. That is just a suggestion, I don't know how you feel about it. At any rate I am here for you; keep posting. Hugs to you.
 

dandelion s

RAW, well done
SF Supporter
#4
hey, wish you were still here. i sure hope things are getting better. i made a little note back when you posted this and just came across it. so that is how i was able to find this post again. i never said how similar your story is to mine in certain respects. we may be really different, but the hurt is sure the same. and i wish i could have reached out to offer something. something? would it have helped. so here i am still thinking and whishing for things to come that are better. if you ever return to this site, i'll be here and maybe just offer some kind of closeness. wishing you well
👽
 

SomeGuy77

Well-Known Member
#8
So sorry for all that you went through, I too was abused at an early age, and I recognize those feelings you had when you wanted to get harmed. Keep strong please, everything will work out in the end.
 

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