I need some advice

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by cayzira, Jun 22, 2008.

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  1. cayzira

    cayzira Well-Known Member

    A while back now my girlfriend called me early in the morning from Bangor, I got the train down at 2Am and took her to the A+E for stiches. It was at A+E that she told me what happened. I don't know the right term for what he did to her, it's not rape, but.. stuff with his hands that she didn't want.

    She was raped when she was 13 and she's dealt with that pretty well. It was a long time before I met her, but it dosen't seem to affect her much anymore. But this has. She's back in hospital, although she was feeling bad before it hapened, so I'm not sure how much of it is down to this. I think this has brough back stuff from when she was raped.

    She won't tell anyone. I tried to get her to talk to CAMHS, and the police, but she didn't want to. I'm ok with that, because I can understand why she dosen't want them to know... but I think she needs help with this, and if no-one knows then she can't get it.

    How can I help her? Right now she's in a ward, so I don't see her as much as I used to, but there must be somthing I can do to help. I can help (or at least try to) with the other stuff (Mostly) because I know what it's like, but with this... I don't know what to say to her.

    I'm also worried about how "close" we can be. Before it happened we were "active" and now I'm very cafefull not to even infur that kinda stuff cos I don't want to remind her of what happend. I'm ok with that, but I don't want her thinking that It's freaked me out, even though it has a little bit. I get worried just hugging her now, because I really don't want to upset her... I'm sure it dosen't... but you know where I'm coming from.

    I just need some advice on how to help her through this
     
  2. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    All you can really do is be there for her. You can't make her really do anything, but you can be there to support her all the way.

    Have a talk with her, about how it's affecting you both. Let her know that you really care for her, and you wanna help her in everyway. Try and talk about what's okay, what's not, and what ever is on her mind.

    Just remember. Be there for her.. It helps to cope with these things if you have someone patient and understanding willing to be by your side.

    Good Luck
    :hug:
     
  3. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    heya,

    Go by how she reacts, treat her as normal as if you didn't want to know...She doesn't want to feel like a freak because of what happened. If she wants a hug give her one. Maybe if you are worried about physical contact ask her before you touch her so she has some say. i.e can I give you a hug. Give her time to heal.

    As for CAMHS it is her secret and one that she truts you enough with. I know that you feel helpless but all you can do is support her and just be there. Try and encourage her to talk to a proffessional but an abuse victim does not always know who is the right person to trust and who isn't. MAye you can help her with that by trying to convince her that the people she is talking to are safe people.

    Sam
    x
     
  4. cayzira

    cayzira Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys : )

    It's pretty much what I was trying to do anyhow, be there for her, and give her time to heal, but it's good to have ben told to do that... means I know I'm at least trying to do the right thing.

    But the being there for her thing isen't as easy as it used to be... I used to sleep with both phones, one on the floor, and the other under my pillow (So the vibrate would wake me up), it was quite often I'd get a call from her in the night if she wasen't feeling so good. Thats was good because it meant I could be there for her... We live pretty far apart, (Anglesea - Wrexham) but a couple of times I got the train down in the middle of the night.

    But I can't do that now. She's in a ward, so we can only talk between 5 and 10, so even if things are crap in the day she's not allowed to phone. I know it's cos she should talk to them, but havig been in the same ward I know that in realitly there always too busy. They can't be there and neither can I. I can't even vist her... before they siad I wasen't allowed to... now I can with "supervision" but I can't afford to come travel there more than once a week.

    I really wish she'd tell someone, because I know she needs some help with this,... but she won't. I've consider tellign the staff, but 1: they can't/don't help much anyway, and 2: She'd never trust me again.

    I know how I could help... but I can't because of the ward, and they can't help because they don't know. Argg!
     
  5. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Heya,

    Once a week is better than nothing and it gives her hope and even more likely to realise that you will be with her no matter what. Is it going to be supervised all the time? I guess the fact that it is supervised is for both her saftey and urs. but neither of you seem dangerous to each other. Maybe when you next see her write her an encouraging letter so when she is unable to call you or see you she can read it. I am sure the ward wouldn't mind that will they?

    You are amazin to be wanting to be by her side through this. Just make sure that you are not pulled down with it.

    Take Care

    Sam
    x
     
  6. cayzira

    cayzira Well-Known Member

    Hopefully we won't be supervised all the time, but we don't know. Before they were saying that I coulden't even see her supervised, so even supervised is good.

    The reason we have to be supervised is cos I used to be a patient there. It's actually where me and Susan first met, after about 5 monuths in there we made a break for it, we'd been planning it for weeks so we should have been clean away. she got caught efore she made it out of the grounds (She dosen't runs as fast as me) I got caught coming back for her 2 days later (I was gonna use the emergency release on the responce door) Obviosly running was a dumb idea, but it made sense at the time so...

    Anyway, we figure that they think we'll try somthing like that again, as other ex-patients are allowed back on the ward to visit people so... The annoying thing is, is that I woulden't do somthing like that anymore, she needs to be there, I get that: Thats why I made her tell CAMHS ow shit stuff had been recently, thats why I phoned Harguarst (Another ward she stayed in briefly) to tell them she'd OD'd (Cos they didn't notice) I've done a hell of a lot more than any of the wards she's been in, but they stil wont trust us *sight* My own fault I guess.

    Thanks for the letter idea, I hadn't though of that, but I'm gonna write to her now aswell. Might send her some flowers too if I can get the cash. If the ward have a problem with that, then they are much more stupid than I remember! Why would they want to stop me doing nice things for her?

    As for being "amazing", I'm really not, it's her thats amazing, if you met her you'd understand! But thanks for saying it, means alot to me :)
     
  7. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Heya,

    no probs, I thiink you need to give yourself some credit though. A lot of people run at the first sign of their girlfriend or boyfriend being hospitalised. The fact that you are still with her means a lot to her as it is.

    hummmm I understand why they are supervised visits. The may want to check the letter in that case but do not worry about that. There problem not urs but I very much doubt you will write something about escaping in there. They are more likely to trust you as well. Remember they are there for your girlfriend and anything on the outside that could hurt her outside is beyound their control and they try to stop that. Anything that happens inside they think they know about but I think that both you and I know that there is always a way to defeat the system.

    I think it is realy good that you have stuck by her and is always there for her.

    Take Care

    Sam
    x
     
  8. cayzira

    cayzira Well-Known Member

    Going to vist her again tomorrow.

    I've wrote a letter like you suggested... then I tore it up and started again, cos I didn't say the right words: I knew what I was trying to say... just coulden't find the right way of saying it. I've written another one, but I'm still not sure I've found the right way to say what I'm trying to, but I could spend forever trying to do that (I quite often do... sometimes I take 4 or 5 days to reply to my email, just cause I think I've said stuff wrong) :(

    I was never gonna run just cause she was hospitilized... things would proably be easier if I had done, but... I met her in hospital and I stuck with her through that, and she stuck with me (That can't have been easy) Hospitals can make things difficult as hell and it's scary as fuck going back there, but she's worth it :)
    I've also ordered some flowers to be delivered on the 10th of July... thats our aniversary, and I feel bad that I'm not gonna be able to spend it with her. Hopefully the flowers will cheer her up a little bit, if only for a few minutes.

    I still can't seem to do anything that means anything... flowers, letters, words, visits, they all seem to come to nothing. I can't help. I can be there for her, but I can't activly help her get better, I guess (like all of us) she has to do that for herself, but I'm frustrated at myself for not doing more.

    Thanks for talking to me Sam I can still only begin to understand what she must be going through, but you've really helped me through the last few days, just having someone listen, and acctually respond with advice instead of the usual "It'll all be ok" clause has helped alot.

    I you ever need help with anything, feel free to pm me (Although as you've proably worked out, I'm not to great at knowing what to say most of the time) Hope you are ok :)
     
  9. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    You say that you seem like you cannot do anything that means anything. I think I have to disagree. The flowers, the letter visiting her being on the end of the phone when she was not hospitalised and when she was. All this will help her get better. All of this will mean something to here. She probably knows that you struggle to find the right words but the fact that you have tried will help her...She will know where you are coming from and what you mean in that letter.

    I hope that todays meeting will go ok it will be good for both of you to see each other again.

    I think you explain yourself very well so I really would not worry about what you have writtern.

    I am struggling abit but hey...thats what happens when you have an Eating disorder.

    Take Care

    Sam
    x

    Oh and I never just say it will be ok because sometimes it isn't straight away and I believe that for things to be ok a person must work at it and a lot of the time a person needs help to make things ok. Never be afraid to ask.
     
  10. camerondavid

    camerondavid Guest

    I think what your girlfriend really needs right now is for you to be there for her. And just listen to what she has to say. If she tries talking to you, just sit and listen, you don't have to say anything really. Most people in her situation just need someone to listen to them. Also, make her feel loved. Make sure that she knows that you love her and care about her and that you're there for her when she needs you. When you see her, just hold her and tell her than you love her. And when you tell her, look into her eyes. She needs to feel loved right now more than ever.
     
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