I need some help Please

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shad, Sep 13, 2008.

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  1. Shad

    Shad Active Member

    I seperated from my ex-wife in January of 2005. She begged me to come back for 7 months. I was to busy with work and partying. I netted about 150k that year. I dont recall spending it where it should have been spent.(bills)
    After seven months I told her I would come back if we went to counseling.
    She agreed. And I really loved her with all my heart.
    Well I stopped in one night and there she was with one of my ex employees.
    That was A knife in the heart. But it was my fault too. I stayed gone to long.
    We talked and met each other a few times in the seven months but I didnt want to return till things were worked out. You then realize just how much you love someone when you know its definitely over. I crawled in a corner for a few months. I then met someone in the late fall of 05. I fell in Love like I never did before. She stole my heart away. She was a challenge. She saved my life so to speak. I was into cocaine and smoking crack. And I didnt want to lose her. It was great for the first year. I did everything I could to show her how much I loved her. Isnt it amazing how when someone you love is gone all you can do is analyze everything. I made so many mistakes. And I let the painting company run into the ground. I basically quit painting after 18 years and started pursuing another career. No safety net. No emergency funds. And I failed. And most of the money I did make I mis-spent.
    Anyway we parted ways about 3 weeks ago. Not on very good terms.
    I didnt say much. I just didnt have the words. I cry my eyes out daily.
    I know what I did wrong. I left her down. I shouldve stayed painting. I shouldve payed the bills. So many mistakes and so many bad choices.
    Its eating me alive from the inside out. She called one of our mutual friends today while I was there and left a message on the answering machine.
    Instant anxiety and tears. I just want to tell her I love her and Im sorry.
    Will she listen? I know Ive been hurt many times before. And this might be for the best, but my heart doesnt want to accept it. How do you go on?
    I want to walk in the woods with my xanies and not tell anyone where I'm going just go.I also thought of putting on fishing waders and going to the lake. So at least thered be insurance money. I thought of writing her a letter, but will she read it?
    I'm trying so hard to get my life back together. On the other hand I want to die so bad. I just want a hug. I know there can be a tomorrow. With or without her. Maybe one day I'll find love. And although it hurts to say maybe she will as well. I miss her and the kids dearly. I would give my soul to change things.
    I remember making good money and carrying my head held high. I wish she wouldve been there for that. I know Im rambling but its hard to think thru the tears. I always wanted to give her the best. But for some reason the jobs didnt come in like they did in the past. I lost a 120k contract with the housing authority by one penny! If it wasnt for bad luck. I also thought of going to the 7th floor.(psych ward). When i was on anti depressants years ago it helped. Maybe thats why my business went downhill. Thats about the time I stopped my Paxil Crs'.
    I thank God for the good memories, and the time he gave us together
    And I pray he shows me the next step and which direction. Also not to wake up, but he never answers that one. Someone please tell me what to do next.
    I dont want this pain no more. Please God help me.
  2. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    :hug::hug: Shad
    That's a lot to have gone through.
    But I know you can make it through. A main key
    to getting through this is talking about the issue.
    And what you just did here? I'm sure must've
    made you feel better by getting it out. You
    will find love. Trust me, it'll happen:)
    And well, Jobs are hard to get, but don't
    give up! Keep going out there and searching and evrything,
    for a really good job you can do.

    Take Care
    PM me if you need to<3:)
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Shad I'm sorry that you have had to go through Hell. But you have managed to keep your head above water through it all and are still here to talk about it. Keep posting hun. Dont bottle up the hurt and emotions. Dont isolate yourself. And for your own peace of mind, send her a letter telling her exactly what you said here. Let her know that you are truly sorry, still love her and want to get back to a better place in your life and am willing to work hard to achieve it. The lack of closure can be so hard to handle. So please for yourself send her that letter. She may or may not reply but atleast you can know in your own heart that you made your thoughts and feelings known. Good luck hun.
  4. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    And dude give up the crack for Christ's sakes. Even if you're not doing it now b/c of no money. Find recovery and don't look back.
  5. Shad

    Shad Active Member

    I havent touched crack in 3 years. I hate that shit it'll ruin you.

  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Shad,
    I would be carefull about writing a letter to her. You might just be giving her ammo to make fun of you. I don't know what terms you are feeling.
    Why don't you just focus on work right now. Get your head back above water financialy. That has to offer you some self asteem!
    Are you sure you want her back? If she is still doing drugs all she will do is use you until the well runneth dry. My ex fiance did that, she went goth and started snorting coke. She died her hair a real dark color, used black lipstick and black fingernail polish, and started wearing all black clothes. When I stopped working I closed out my 401k and my share for closing early went from $45,OOO to $18,000. I deposited it in our joint account and she pulled it out and put it in a seperate account without me knowing. She came to me asking to get back together. I thought it over for about 2 minutes and told her Oh Hell No!!! I wasn't going thru that shit again.
    I have been on my own for several years now. At my age it really doesn't matter anymore. I have my dog and he is faithfull. I also have my daughter and grandaughter. They are pushing me into finding another relatioship. I told them that isn't happening. I don't have that kind of trust anymore. I won't give anyone that oppurtunity again.
    Stay Safe and Take Care!!:chopper:!!
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