I seperated from my ex-wife in January of 2005. She begged me to come back for 7 months. I was to busy with work and partying. I netted about 150k that year. I dont recall spending it where it should have been spent.(bills) After seven months I told her I would come back if we went to counseling. She agreed. And I really loved her with all my heart. Well I stopped in one night and there she was with one of my ex employees. That was A knife in the heart. But it was my fault too. I stayed gone to long. We talked and met each other a few times in the seven months but I didnt want to return till things were worked out. You then realize just how much you love someone when you know its definitely over. I crawled in a corner for a few months. I then met someone in the late fall of 05. I fell in Love like I never did before. She stole my heart away. She was a challenge. She saved my life so to speak. I was into cocaine and smoking crack. And I didnt want to lose her. It was great for the first year. I did everything I could to show her how much I loved her. Isnt it amazing how when someone you love is gone all you can do is analyze everything. I made so many mistakes. And I let the painting company run into the ground. I basically quit painting after 18 years and started pursuing another career. No safety net. No emergency funds. And I failed. And most of the money I did make I mis-spent. Anyway we parted ways about 3 weeks ago. Not on very good terms. I didnt say much. I just didnt have the words. I cry my eyes out daily. I know what I did wrong. I left her down. I shouldve stayed painting. I shouldve payed the bills. So many mistakes and so many bad choices. Its eating me alive from the inside out. She called one of our mutual friends today while I was there and left a message on the answering machine. Instant anxiety and tears. I just want to tell her I love her and Im sorry. Will she listen? I know Ive been hurt many times before. And this might be for the best, but my heart doesnt want to accept it. How do you go on? I want to walk in the woods with my xanies and not tell anyone where I'm going just go.I also thought of putting on fishing waders and going to the lake. So at least thered be insurance money. I thought of writing her a letter, but will she read it? I'm trying so hard to get my life back together. On the other hand I want to die so bad. I just want a hug. I know there can be a tomorrow. With or without her. Maybe one day I'll find love. And although it hurts to say maybe she will as well. I miss her and the kids dearly. I would give my soul to change things. I remember making good money and carrying my head held high. I wish she wouldve been there for that. I know Im rambling but its hard to think thru the tears. I always wanted to give her the best. But for some reason the jobs didnt come in like they did in the past. I lost a 120k contract with the housing authority by one penny! If it wasnt for bad luck. I also thought of going to the 7th floor.(psych ward). When i was on anti depressants years ago it helped. Maybe thats why my business went downhill. Thats about the time I stopped my Paxil Crs'. I thank God for the good memories, and the time he gave us together And I pray he shows me the next step and which direction. Also not to wake up, but he never answers that one. Someone please tell me what to do next. I dont want this pain no more. Please God help me.