Hi everyone. I registered here because I don't know what to do anymore and can feel myself slipping back into that suicidal state of mind. When I say back, I thought about committing suicide a few years ago. It was more than a thought, actually. I planned it all perfectly. I spent two months or so collecting as much pills as possible. The week before I was to end it all, I was saying my goodbyes (in a subtle way) to my friends. During that week, a fellow school mate was killed and for some reason, I snapped out of it. But this time it's different. I don't know where to begin really, but I feel alone. Every minute of the day I'm reminded of how alone I am. I don't have any friends. None whatsoever. Which is strange, because I used to be surrounded by them. Me & my family aren't close at all. There's no one I can talk to. I literally get up, go to work and come home. What kind of existence is that? I suffered from social anxiety disorder a few years ago (hence no friends). The remaining people who cared for me I pushed away. I'd like to say that since getting a job a year and a half ago that my disorder has gone. It hasn't. It's not as bad, don't get me wrong, but it's still very much here. I find it hard to talk to people. Of course, this is all down to my sexuality. I'm gay, but I can't accept it. To top it off, I've been in love with a guy at work pretty much since I started. He's straight, I think. And if he's gay, he's showing no signs of interest. Yet I can't seem to get over him. My head tells me I should be with a woman and eventually settle down and have children, but my heart tells me I'm attracted to men. I'm unhappy because I don't like women, yet I'm unhappy because I don't like men. I feel a bit of a freak. Everytime I look in the mirror, I feel like crying. I even think I look hideous. I just need friends. Or someone to talk to, at least. Right now, I'm thinking about ending it all. But I'm clinging to the last shred of hope that there IS something better for me in the world. There must be, surely? Sorry to bore you. Any advice is welcomed.