I need some help.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by All_Alone, May 13, 2010.

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  1. All_Alone

    All_Alone Member

    Hi everyone.

    I registered here because I don't know what to do anymore and can feel myself slipping back into that suicidal state of mind.

    When I say back, I thought about committing suicide a few years ago. It was more than a thought, actually. I planned it all perfectly. I spent two months or so collecting as much pills as possible. The week before I was to end it all, I was saying my goodbyes (in a subtle way) to my friends. During that week, a fellow school mate was killed and for some reason, I snapped out of it.

    But this time it's different.

    I don't know where to begin really, but I feel alone. Every minute of the day I'm reminded of how alone I am. I don't have any friends. None whatsoever. Which is strange, because I used to be surrounded by them. Me & my family aren't close at all. There's no one I can talk to. I literally get up, go to work and come home. What kind of existence is that? I suffered from social anxiety disorder a few years ago (hence no friends). The remaining people who cared for me I pushed away. I'd like to say that since getting a job a year and a half ago that my disorder has gone. It hasn't. It's not as bad, don't get me wrong, but it's still very much here. I find it hard to talk to people.

    Of course, this is all down to my sexuality. I'm gay, but I can't accept it. To top it off, I've been in love with a guy at work pretty much since I started. He's straight, I think. And if he's gay, he's showing no signs of interest. Yet I can't seem to get over him. My head tells me I should be with a woman and eventually settle down and have children, but my heart tells me I'm attracted to men. I'm unhappy because I don't like women, yet I'm unhappy because I don't like men. I feel a bit of a freak.

    Everytime I look in the mirror, I feel like crying. I even think I look hideous.

    I just need friends. Or someone to talk to, at least.

    Right now, I'm thinking about ending it all. But I'm clinging to the last shred of hope that there IS something better for me in the world. There must be, surely?

    Sorry to bore you. Any advice is welcomed.
     
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    :hug: The feeling of being alone i think is the hardest feeling out there.

    Im always here if you need to talk, ALWAYS!! Do NOT kill yourself hun...

    Being gay is not a bad thing like so many make it out to be. We love who we love and we cant help that. Dont beat yourself up for being who you are. :hug:

    Like i said if you need a friend, shoulder to cry on, or just to vent I am here. I have msn, yahoo, facebook, and you can always PM me here... and welcome to the site :D
     
  3. All_Alone

    All_Alone Member

    Wow. Fast response.

    Thanks.

    The thing is, I know there's nothing wrong with it. I don't mind people who are. It's just hard to accept for me, which is weird because I've known since I was around 7 years old. I just don't want to disappoint people. And I think if I had someone with me - a friend - I'd probably be able to "come out".

    But I can't see that happening.

    I don't think I'll end it. Not yet, anyway. It's just early stages for me. I remember how I was last time and it started like this and then got more & more serious.

    I rang a support group up which gave me this woman's number. We've emailed a few time and she's asked to meet up. Maybe I should.
     
  4. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Im fast like that :tongue: :lone:

    Yeah you should...and who do you think you would disappoint??

    Hang in there hun....
     
  5. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    I think having some support for yourself wouldnt be a bad thing, so do call the woman who's number you have. That will be a positive step forward.
    In the mean time, we are here for you its something at least. Like painfulmemories said dont be beating yourself up about being gay, your still human.
    Welcome to the site :hug:
     
  6. jabooty

    jabooty Banned Member

    you should change your name to not_alone, beaucse you are the winner of a new friend! his name...jabooty! :hamster:

    hello! and i dont care if your sexually confused. altho I am straight, im just confused all the way around.
     
  7. All_Alone

    All_Alone Member

    Thanks for the warm welcomes and kind messages.

    I guess I just gotta ride it out and see what happens.

    I'll give that woman a call next week and arrange a meeting. It might do me good talking to someone face to face.
     
  8. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

     
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