I need some help :(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JoshS, Jun 15, 2010.

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  1. JoshS

    JoshS New Member

    Hey everyone, my names Josh and I'm 19 years old.

    I really don't know what to do anymore.

    I left high school in 2007 and decided to go to college and do an I.T lvl 3 diploma course, even though it was a little against my judgment as I would of liked to have stayed with my few friends at 6th form. But I thought it would be okay - after all I'd probably make new friends and it might be a more grown up environment which might be better.

    Anyway things started great, I was doing really well and the assignments were easy. I had a couple of friends there and I was really happy with it.

    Then one day I was talking to a friend on MSN. He was only an acquaintance through somebody else, I had never actually met the guy in real life but I had known him on MSN for ages.
    He added some random people to the chat, some of which I knew but most I had never spoken to at all.

    Anyway by the end of the night, everyone had pretty much left the chat. I was left with this one girl called Laura - we just didn't stop talking. I had talked to girls before but never like this. She was like me but in a girl. I really really liked her,
    Bearing in mind I had never been in a relationship before, never even held a girls hand. I was a shy, quiet person with little about me. I had never opened myself up to anyone like this before. truthfully.
    I knew a few girls at primary school but I never thought of them as 'girlfriends'. I also new a few online but never thought of them like this either.

    Anyway we decided to meet up after a few weeks when I found out she lived about 5 miles away from me. which was unbelievable.

    When I saw her I couldn't believe my eyes. she was absolutely beautiful. we decided to go to the fair after rambling our heads off at each other. Butterflies were more like fireflies in my stomach at this point. She really liked me, and I really liked her.

    I was nearly sick from the rides and excitement, I never even touched her hand until she went for mine, I was too nervous. when I got home that night I was like the happiest person in the world., honestly.

    Weeks went by and we saw more of each other, i went to her house and visa versa. she kissed me for the first time I had ever been kissed by anyone, we watched films together and did allsorts together. I was so happy, with college and Laura. Everything seemed perfect and we used to meet up every thursday and every weekend.

    I loved her to bits, until she started getting jealous of me. and visa versa really. we argued a little but always made up afterwards in some form. Like a 3 hour telephone call or something. she was on the implant as a form of contraception. It was her friends idea and it worked well for us in the beginning. But this seemed to change her mental state. by this time she was 16 and I was 18.

    About a year passed and we seemed to get a little worse. I still loved her to bits though and I couldn't have been without her. She started going out clubbing with one of her friends. I trusted her a lot but I still felt really nervous about what she'd get upto. I didn't want any idiot taking advantage of my Laura :) I loved her so muuuch..

    Anyway it was new years eve 2008 that it happened. some guy she met at this nightclub took her back to his house and slept with her.
    I didn't find out from her but she told me that she'd 'kissed someone' but it 'didn't mean anything' I knew this didn't feel right so I went on her MSN account and asked one of her friends what she'd been upto. She told me everything. I actually threw my laptop at the wall and broke it.

    I was so upset, I cried for weeks and even dropped out of college after having counseling to no effect. I had no friends anymore, one went to do plumbing and dropped from I.T just before Laura broke up with me. and I had some bad acne which I still get and it makes me feel really bad and takes my confidence away completely. I thought Laura saw through that. :( she said she did..

    anyway since then I have been in a bit of a state of trance, I started 'jobseeking' (Posh man's way of saying on the dole) I still had a hobby which was fixing up computers and I still earned a little money from that as I had been doing since high school. I still do and it's good but it's not everything because I have no motivation to do anything with it because of the way I feel inside.

    I give up now. I really feel suicidal. I have nothing to feel good about. I used to do so much for Laura and she 'was' the reason why I got up in the morning. she'd become it, anyway. and I couldn't feel motivated to carry on with assignments so they didn't get done. that was my education fucked.

    All my friends from High school don't want to know me anymore and I'm just a waster. I went out with them maybe once but then they never even called me afterwards. some friends :mad:

    I'm just locked in my room from dawn to dusk until that Wednesday comes when I get on my moped and ride to the job centre to sign on. I hate doing it. and it's time I did something but i cant, ivehad enough. I have a few hobbies but nothing that keeps me going. maybe watching youtube videos all day and browsing digg is about it now. i can't do this anymore.

    please help me :(
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi Josh..I'm sorry you had your relationship breakup....I know how much it hurts.
    there is a period of grief when that happens but you can get through this..
    I can tell how much you loved that girl but there will be other girls for you when you feel better...
    killing yourself is not the way to go....you are so young...there are other choices...
    you said you had counseling but it didn't work..I urge you to get some more..it's a long term thing and will give you someone to talk to about all your issues...if you don't like one councelor change till you 'click' with one..
    I also think you need to talk to your doctor and tell him about your suicidal thoughts....and he should be able to help with the acne problem too...
    if you can fix computers Josh that is a huge positive.....have you tried for jobs in this area?
    are you doing anything you like at all? walking, movies, anything that makes you feel good? hobbies? what did you do before you became so isolated?
    I hope you'll stay and talk to us here...we understand how you feel and want to help....:hugtackles:
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