I need some help...

[the_unknown]

I have noticed that ever since I went to college my depression becomes more often. I'm on my 2nd year now and i still don't have any close friends. Well its not my fault all of them are superficial; they only look at the outside well almost everyone I know is. Like most "suicidal" teenagers online I have girl problems, "help I'm lonely" problems, confidence problems and etc. But what bothers me is that whenever i feel depressed and suicidal instead of thinking of my death i think more and more of killing those happy people, those arrogant girls, those people who have no problems. I don't wanna turn out to be a killer but sometimes the rage makes me feel insane and i fear that i could snap any moment. i once snapped during my birthday, i was "celebrating" alone at our house and i wrecked the place. Why do I "channel" my suicidal thoughts to "innocent" people?

 

[Isabel]

This seems like the stuff you would benefit to sort out with a professional. Do you have access to a counselor at the college? Anger is a natural emotion to life frustrations but it need to be channeled and expressed in healthy and harmless way. I think therapy could do you a lot of good in this regard. So I urge you to look around to see what resources are available to you.

 

[Stereomaster]

College is an interesting time in your life where you should feel you can be whoever you want to be. There is no need for confidence problems. There are always going to be those which judge you superficially, take it like a grain of salt, and know that they will run into their own problems due to that way of viewing others. Don't be upset when you run into these other people, you can easily give the "whatever" approach to them as they aren't deserving of your time.
As for getting angry and causing damage, its up to you to remain in control and not let your anger get the best of you, as you are always in control of your actions. Always remember that. Even in moments of rage, to do something or not, is still an option. Always think about the next action, before acting.
As for killing the other happy people you see around you, there is no need for that, as it would not help anybody, including your own happiness. Death never brings happiness to anybody and you don't know those other people who go through their own daily struggles. Everybody has their own way to relax, to enjoy themselves and get away from their own stresses and/or sadness. Just because they appear happy in your eyes, doesn't mean they are living the happiest of lives. Everybody struggles, and its up to you to choose how you want to deal with your sadness and moments of happiness (which I'm sure everybody wishes they had more of on a daily basis).
Just as "Isabel" said, a professional may be able to help you out as I believe communication and venting out your frustrations may help you see you have more options on how to deal with these situations than you may realize.
Ask at your University's Information area if they have a psychologist for students just to "talk to", and see where it goes from there.

 

[the_unknown]

I sought help from a "professional" before but I can't seem to tell her everything that I feel and think. There is a part of me that won't trust my psychologist so in the end she really can't help me and at the same time I can't help myself. I'm currently training in MMA to channel my frustrations but it is not enough, a while ago I was at a mall and for some unknown reason,maybe because of my own insecurities and inadequacy I feel so depressed again (whenever i see people smiling and having fun I become depressed, oh and everytime I see girls I feel mad probably because I never even had a conversation with a female let alone having a friend). I really hate myself and I have prayed a couple of times to God to finally take away this miserable life but to no avail. I am constantly "tortured" by my own mind, I always hear a voice that tells me that I'm a loser and the likes. Oh and the last time I went to my university's "psychologist for students", he insisted that i speak in english. Instead of focusing more on my problems he told me useless stuff.

I really appreciate your replies because this forum is the only place where I can have some sort of "communication"... my family is just like everyone else, they only look outside (their reasoning is that since I have a fairly "good" life I shouldn't be depressed)

 

[sudut]

i once snapped during my birthday, i was "celebrating" alone at our house and i wrecked the place. Why do I "channel" my suicidal thoughts to "innocent" people?

i'd rather celebrate my birthday alone sometimes. wierd i know.

 

[the_unknown]

its not just about birthdays... I celebrated mine a few days ago, same as always... Anyway i think I have pin pointed the root of my problems:
Confidence, social anxiety, being too pessimistic... How should I tackle this? Its like the source of my depression causes me to act a certain way in which I cannot solve the problem...
ex.
i'm afraid of any social activity (hell even just talking to someone) then it causes me to be more introverted and more of a pessimist then this in turn makes me avoid people more... Am I trap in an endless loop which is bound to insanity? It makes me sad that no one would even try to reach out and help me get a normal life...