I need some help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by miamay, Jan 6, 2012.

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  1. miamay

    miamay New Member

    Im not sure why I came here. I guess because I can only tell a bunch of strangers that I am contemplating suicide. I have thought about it alot over the years and even tried once or twice when I was a teenager. I was on meds for a long time but I got better and quit taking them, I also got off drugs and quit drinking abou the same time. The only reason why I haven't done anything is because it's my biggest fear that my 8 year old son would be the one to find me. He's been through so much that i can't do that to him. I have a 16 year old daughter too but neither one of them like me much right now. Since I lost my job and the alimony payments stopped coming in the money train stopped, now I'm the worst mother ever. Mybe I am the worst mother ever my quess is in about two months if I can't find another job they will find out how good a mommy daddy's 19 year old girlfriend is. Did I mention that he is 40 and knocked her up before he asked me for a divorce two years ago. He makes 6000 dollars every two weeks and all I get is 1000 a month. I was so angry and stunned when he told me that when he shoved the papers in myface that same day with a marriage settlement on it I signed it and didn't even look at it. It's all perfectlylegal I can't go back for an increase in child support and he onlyhad to pay me alimony for two years. Oh yeah and the big kicker if I cannot support the kids in the lifestyle they are accustomed to then he can legallytake custody. That's why I said I give it about two months. About a month before the utilities start getting shut off and then about a month for him to take me to court and get custody. Then of course after I lose the kids I lose everything else like the trailer I worked my ass off to buy after we got divorced, or the car he was sopposed to pay off but hasn't yet, or my dogs who are like my kids in a way. He will probably take the dogs because two of them are AKC registered, he bought them for the kids, and would be worth a little money to him. My life is going just great. I don't have any friends to talk to because he slept with all of those and my mother overdosed three years ago. My dad was in prision the last time I heard and who knows where his family is, probably hiding from him like I am. My mom's family blame me for her overdose because I wasn't there so none of them speak to me. Did I mention that I have not one not two but am working on a third college degree and I still can't find a job. I am a CNA, a Phlebotomist and am working on my teaching degree. I know how bitter I sound but I do love kids and my two are the onlything that hold me together sometimes. I am just so tired of fighting to get no where, I want so badly to give up and just walk away from it all. Who would care in a few months the kids will be with thier dad anywayand its not like anybody else will care. The kids will be better off, at least there will be food on the table and running water. I have tried to get food stamps and assistance but no one will help he gives me just enough so that I exceed the money requirements by 50. SO why shouldn't I just end it all? Somebody give me one good reason why one less me would make a difference.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I will give you two reasons you children You will be carrying on suicdal trait for them you will be teaching them that suicide is an option. You don't think they will be screwed up more mentally if you leave their lifes will be full of sadness and pain I am not lying i know this pain I amsorry you are struggling so I was raised in poverty it is love your children need it is waking up knowing they will not be abandoned yet again from someone they love
     
  3. miamay

    miamay New Member

    I know and they are reason I haven't done it but I don't know how much more I can take. Someone one said you can only carry so much weight before you fall over. Im carrying to much and there is no one to help.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If and when you feel you cannot hold on that is when you reach out to a crisis line the hospital a nd they will help you get support you and your children need I would still get a lawyer and fight child support payments He was at fault for the marriage not working He should pay for his mistakes Get legal advice on fighting the documents you signed stating you were not of clear mind when you signed them you were emotionally not fit to understand what it was you were doing
     
  5. miamay

    miamay New Member

    not happening because then they will take my kids away for real and I wont even be able to see them . I have a friend you sent through the same thing last year.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No the only reason they would take your children if you were a harm to them or yourself You can get therapy outside hospital then get some councilling to give you coping skills to stay well
    If you are not here because you committed suicide you will not be any good to your children right If you get therapy you get strong then you will be there for your children Get the helpyou need NOW so you do not reach that point of harming yourself
     
  7. miamay

    miamay New Member

    With what money do I get this help. I cant get medicaid because I make to much money LOL I cant get a lawyer because they all want money up front and I cant even pay my bills or mymortgage so how do I get this money. This site really doesn't help it just tells you the sam estuff everyone else does. nevermind if I needed a mom I would go finda bartender.
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    mm not all lawyers ask for money upfront and some only ask for it after you win the case
    Again how will getting to the point of no return help anyone. Your last statement is very rude really but i am sorry i am not being very helpful to you I do hope you find the support you need if not here then elsewhere.
     
  9. sevendust

    sevendust Active Member

    Sorry your feeling so down. Your children make the difference, especially your 8 yr old. I have one daughter, she's 17, grown up and gone now, she's living her own life. I don't matter anymore. Sad truth is, on the internet there are people that do care, but none in the real world. Most of us are thousands of miles apart.

    Your son loves you and cares about you, he needs you. Enjoy every moment you can with him,. My daughter may not need me now, but there's going to be a time in her life, when she does. I imagine her saying, I love you daddy at my grave, these types of thoughts, keeps me from going through with it, thinking only of myself. It's a struggle, believe me it is. I lost my father to cancer in 95.

    Wishing the best for you and your children, you may feel like giving up on yourself, but don't give up on your children, you brought them into this world, they will never understand why? you left them.
     
  10. b-rock

    b-rock Well-Known Member

    Fight for your kids. Live for your kids. You deserve better and so do they. Don't give up. Money might be short and all, but things can change. I found my sis and the experience is something that will always be with me and the whole incident itself is hard. dont put your kids through that experience cause they love you they only have one mom. Stay strong.
     
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