Im not sure why I came here. I guess because I can only tell a bunch of strangers that I am contemplating suicide. I have thought about it alot over the years and even tried once or twice when I was a teenager. I was on meds for a long time but I got better and quit taking them, I also got off drugs and quit drinking abou the same time. The only reason why I haven't done anything is because it's my biggest fear that my 8 year old son would be the one to find me. He's been through so much that i can't do that to him. I have a 16 year old daughter too but neither one of them like me much right now. Since I lost my job and the alimony payments stopped coming in the money train stopped, now I'm the worst mother ever. Mybe I am the worst mother ever my quess is in about two months if I can't find another job they will find out how good a mommy daddy's 19 year old girlfriend is. Did I mention that he is 40 and knocked her up before he asked me for a divorce two years ago. He makes 6000 dollars every two weeks and all I get is 1000 a month. I was so angry and stunned when he told me that when he shoved the papers in myface that same day with a marriage settlement on it I signed it and didn't even look at it. It's all perfectlylegal I can't go back for an increase in child support and he onlyhad to pay me alimony for two years. Oh yeah and the big kicker if I cannot support the kids in the lifestyle they are accustomed to then he can legallytake custody. That's why I said I give it about two months. About a month before the utilities start getting shut off and then about a month for him to take me to court and get custody. Then of course after I lose the kids I lose everything else like the trailer I worked my ass off to buy after we got divorced, or the car he was sopposed to pay off but hasn't yet, or my dogs who are like my kids in a way. He will probably take the dogs because two of them are AKC registered, he bought them for the kids, and would be worth a little money to him. My life is going just great. I don't have any friends to talk to because he slept with all of those and my mother overdosed three years ago. My dad was in prision the last time I heard and who knows where his family is, probably hiding from him like I am. My mom's family blame me for her overdose because I wasn't there so none of them speak to me. Did I mention that I have not one not two but am working on a third college degree and I still can't find a job. I am a CNA, a Phlebotomist and am working on my teaching degree. I know how bitter I sound but I do love kids and my two are the onlything that hold me together sometimes. I am just so tired of fighting to get no where, I want so badly to give up and just walk away from it all. Who would care in a few months the kids will be with thier dad anywayand its not like anybody else will care. The kids will be better off, at least there will be food on the table and running water. I have tried to get food stamps and assistance but no one will help he gives me just enough so that I exceed the money requirements by 50. SO why shouldn't I just end it all? Somebody give me one good reason why one less me would make a difference.