I need some pretty immediate help.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by forgive_cherrish, Jul 5, 2010.

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  1. I'm trying to get into a counselor, but cannot until wednesday.
    I called the hotline, they only referred me to more support groups, not open until wednesday.
    Well, my story;
    I am 18 years old, living in an apartment with my boyfriend.
    I found out a month ago that I was more than three months pregnant. I have a 1 in a million chance of this happening, due to predisposed conditions. My boyfriend, 21, wouldn't have wanted to keep the baby. We already discussed that had it happened, we would abort immediately.
    Well, when I found out I was more than three months along, I had an ultrasound, and it was a living breathing tiny baby. When the doctor held my hand, it reacted, when I cried, it felt my pain.
    I didn't think I could fall in love with it, but I did, and it was a once in a lifetime oppurtunity, however since my boyfriend would defnitely tell me to abort, I didn't tell him.
    Three weeks ago, I got in a car accident, I was side swept at 40 miles an hour, by a car much bigger than mine. I broke three ribs, and had some bleeding, like my period but much worse.
    So I realized that I had probably had a miscarraige, and having been confirmed two days ago, I know that the baby died slowly.
    Well, after the car wreck I decided it might have been time to tell my boyfriend. I explained to him I've known for one month, the baby was three months, and I lost him. I explained I didnt want to tell him because this baby was a miracle and I didn't want an abortion. I told him I still had the baby in a box [don't consider me creepy, it was very traumatizing to look at] and he asked me why I didnt just flush it.
    It was a BABY not a goldfish! I wanted to give him a proper burial. So I made all the preperations myself, because he hated it and didnt want anything to do with it, however I thought since we've been together for two years he could help me through it.
    He took off.
    He got in his car and drove to another city and told me he needed a "mini vacation".
    So basically, I'm eighteen years old, find out that I'm pregnant, with a one in a million chance baby, my boyfriend wants me to abort, I get in a crash, lose this living breathing baby that I'm in love with, and my boyfriend takes off, because HE needed to gather his thoughts? So I'm left alone to bury OUR baby? I lost the baby I love, the boy I thought loved me....my world is upside down and backwards and I don't know what to do with it. I called him and he told me he never wants to see me again, EVER, that hes gone somewhere nobody knows his name...I'm alone in a new city in an apartment I can't afford on my own...I dont know what I have left to live for.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Go to the emergency dept of closest hospital and tell them you are suicidal and you need help and why get help okay don't do this alone
     
  3. I'm not looking for a hospital, I have a job that I have to keep up with in order to pay for my apartment.
    I am looking for someone to talk to about this and dole out some advice.
    I can't reach my counselor until wednesday, and I don't have any friends in a new town, as well as my boyfriend leaving.
     
  4. caspen81

    caspen81 Member

    The only thing I can advise is you looking to the future. You can't do a thing about the guy who left you, or about your son. There are many needs, only some of which have been interrupted, so far as we know. Where are you living? How are you eating? What will you do for these things tomorrow?
     
  5. I'm living in a low income apartment, working in food industry, 40+ hours a week, up to my ears in medical bills. I don't have strong connections with my family, so my boyfriend was the only one I had. Most of my friends are male, and have tried to help, but can't quite understand because they have obvoiusly never been pregnant. I haven't eaten since the crash, I knew something felt different, and I feel sick when I think about doing anything that makes me happy. I feel wrong about smiling, and guilty, because I feel like its my fault I killed him.
     
  6. Thinking about calling the hotline again, I hope nobody overhears me talking to them.
    I don't understand how someone can say they love you, and leave you like this. I don't understand how I could waste TWO YEARS of my life, tell him I love him, give him everything I have, I even let him DRINK, which I've never let a boyfriend before [because of a long line of alcaholics, I hate the damn stuff]. Says he doesnt want to be with me, because I CHANGE him, because I dont like when he drinks. Since when is drinking being a PART of you?
    Took his guitars, left me here again, says he's going to band practice. I'm here alone, considering taking a hot bath, maybe bleeding it out, but not too much, just enough to scare myself.
    How could he...how am I so worthless I don't deserve the time of day, after all I've been through.
    HOW PLAYING IN A BAND MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME...HOW?
    Why am I NOTHING to him...nothing..
    HOW CAN I STILL LOVE HIM SOMEBODY TELL ME BECAUSE I DONT UNDERSTAND.
     
  7. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Forgive_Cherrish,

    With all my heart and soul I am SO SORRY to hear what you've been through. I said a prayer for you.Please don't forget to pray. I can tell YOU are such a BEAUTIFUL person from your posts. YOU seem AMAZING and WONDERFUL and FANTASTIC to me.

    I cant even BEGIN to tell you how deeply sorry and sad I am about the baby. You are such a beautiful person and you did your best. I'm praying for both of you. . I know nothing I say will ever be able to comfort you. But my Mom died when I was a kid and sometimes I get little signs that tell me shes ok or that she is around me. You will too someday and you'll know that your little angel is alright. I offer my greatest hope and love to you at this tragic time.

    Your boyfriend needs to take a good look at HIMSELF. Sorry to say that,but YOU are NOT the one with the problem. I think you need to find a new person. He either has to turn it around or you have to find someone else I think. YOU ARE great,he just cant see it. Thats not your problem. THAT IS HIS. HE makes you unimportant so HE can feel important. That is a weak person and an abusive one. He is putting you down,but DONT believe him. He sees your vulnerability and uses it to control you and make you feel bad. So he can feel good. You seem like nothing to him because he is nothing to himself and he feels better pushing that off on you.. Many people do this. Its best for you and him if you either stand up and say NO MORE or leave. Forgive me but I think you should leave. He sounds immature and selfish. If he doesnt change you might waste too much time trying to get him too.

    You are am amazing and good and fine person. You have so much left to live for. You make the world a better place by being here. We NEED you desperatly here. Gte the help you need ,therapy 12 step or support groups,doctors and financiual assistence anything else you might need. WE LOVE YOU!!!! Never forget that and WE ARE HERE FOR YOU ALWAYS.You are good and kind and strong.Someday the right person will see that and you will be happier than you could ever imagine. I THINK YOU ARE ASTONISHING!!!!
    We are honored and grateful you are here.

    Please feel free to write or PM,

    Marty
     
  8. Failure_By_Design

    Failure_By_Design Account Closed

    its an intense situation. you boy probably felt betrayed that you didnt tell him everything, and since he was unaware of the whole situation, he probably didnt feel comfortable burying the baby with you. its probably has a lot to do with the fact that you were carrying the baby, while he was somehwat unaware.

    the crash and the end of the baby is not your fault, but i know thatll take time to accept, but try to get ready to consider it.

    im around if you ever wanna talk, ive never been in that situation, but i can listen and try to help if you want *hug*
     
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby....it must be heartbreaking for you...
    maybe joining a support group for parents suffering miscarriage would help..
    maybe ring hospital/doctor to find out if there's any around your area...or an online group might help...
    I think your BF is being totally insensitve...
     
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Cherrish. I'm really sorry for the loss of your unborn baby due to the car accident and that your boyfriend no longer wants to be with you. He sounds like a total jackass. I think you deserve a better and more mature guy to be with. Maybe him leaving is a blessing in disguise? I know that it must feel like God is punishing you by taking away your baby boy before he was even born.

    In times like this, it is hard to try and find meaning and rationalize the horrific events. Your son was a miracle from God and was also taken back from God too early. He is an angel now and he will be with you forever. The first thing you have to do is bury his little body so that you will have a place to go to remember him. You have to also keep working so that you will have enough money to pay for your apartment and don't end up on the streets. Please don't give up hope. :hug:
     
  11. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    PLEASE let us know how you are doing Forgive cherish. WE CARE!!!!
     
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