I Need Some Pro-Suiciders...

[Confuzzled]

I feel sick right now, coz I'm so stuffed with food. I want to explain a lot of things but I'm so fucking stuffed with food that I can't concentrate on typing, so there may be a few errors...

My name's Patrick, I'm 16.

I'm anorexic, although you'd have no idea looking at me. I've been recovering for 1 and a half years now and I'm "out of the danger zone" weight wise. The thing is, I don't want anyone to explain that I'm not fat. In fact I probably understand that now to some degree, so save it. That doesn't take away the fact that I'm still fucking stuffed with food. Noone understands that it's normal to stop eating after you're full. Hell, after all this time I enjoy food and look forward to my meals, but they're always marred by people forcing too much on me and getting angry when I don't finish. I have more than my mum now. She says I don't. Am I just some deluded anorexic who believes things that aren't necessarily so? The answer, is no. I have huge meals (on huge plates so it looks like less) then a pudding, then lots of fruit with a huge glass of juice. My mum has her main meal and that's it. It's smaller than my main meal for Christ sake. Then, I come up here to the computer and sit down for about 5 hours. I don't feel great.

I'm agrophobic. Ever since I was small I hate going to school. I've never been 'properly' bullied, I'm not too bad at my lessons, I just hate the whole school setup. I don't especially like people. What have they done to me? Nothing. I'd just rather keep my own company. Of course, that can't be a possibility can it? Course not, everyone on the planet is the same. If I don't want to socialise, then I'm wrong because most other people do. Fuck the people is what I say. I didn't sign a contract to abide by your ways when I was born, I should have some freedom. I won't fucking kill anyone, I just want to do things that come naturally to me. Why the fuck should I have to grow up if I don't want to? I don't. I can just end the maddness here. If I'm dead, none of this petty humanity would apply to me.

I hate having friends. If someone tries to be my friend, I'll be polite to them, but probably give them the brush off, aka making excuses, not being chatty and such. I don't need the pressure of entertaining you. I don't want to be around you. My thoughts are better than your though alright?

So yeah I'm agrophobic and I can't see me getting a job because of this. I don't like leaving the house, I don't want to interact with anyone. If I had my way, I'd just play Nintendo all day, or possibly be inside some Tim Burton film. Relatively random desires, but I suppose they're good sources of escapism. After that (or joint) I'd like to kill myself. What a harsh expression though. I believe 'ending the maddness' or 'being set free' is more relevant. More people would be brave enough to do so if that was how it was said.

My only chance of a job in the future is being a cartoonist, but I'm not as good as loads of people out there, in my college, in the world. Why the fuck should I be needed?

I can't kill myself, because of my parents. I don't know whether they're content to lead their lives or not. They probably are for some reason, but I don't know if they're destined for miserable lives or not. By killing myself, I'd be personally ensuring this. And what kind of son would that make me? Eternal misery is something a demon would place on someone, not a loved one.

I can physically feel my newly aquired roles of flab caving in on themselves in my stomach. I'd show you my rediculously large eating plan, but you'd judge me for it. Some may post so, others won't, but you probably would. Now I don't mind recovering, getting "back to health", but all I can see is a never ending weight gain. When does it stop? Why would they want to make it stop? Wouldn't they fear of setting me back by saying so? I'm just gonna have to keep going. Why must I be physically changed to something I don't want to be?! It's not my decision, nothing is. I have a stupid lack of confidence, so I could never talk to a girl. How could I? I can't talk to my friends, how could I get close to a girl? I'd probably go red first, and then start fucking crying I lack so much confidence. And that's the reason, I don't need any fucking jokes you hear?

I want to die! Why can't I just die? God is the biggest load of fucking ballacks I've ever heard. I respect people who can take something out of believing in him, if that makes then happy then fine, but deep down I judge anyone over 10 who still believes in God. A big human in the sky? What did he evolve from then, a big chimp? And that a big mud skipper? With special powers? What a genius though. This giant mud skipper in the sky making existance. 'And if you don't do good things you get eternal damn nation. Why? Er... not sure. Give me a break I'm only human I haven't imagined that up yet'. God. What a load of fucking ballacks. If there was a God, of course I wouldn't be saying this, but there isn't. If I don't believe in this God, then it's his fault for not making himself seen. I used to believe but then I realised its just a world wide cult. What a joke people are.

So I'm wondering, and hopefully you can be grown up about this, what is the easiest, quickest, sure fire way to kill yourself? Not that I would, as I explained I couldn't do that to my parents, but I need some knowledge on this so I can feel secure. I at least need to know so I can feel safe. If I don't, and there's no chance of freedom, I'll be depressed.

 

[Abacus21]

This site is pro-life, so we don't give out methods here, sorry.

Take care

 

[resistance]

Hi Patrick, Welcome to SF. Seeing as this is a pro-life forum, no one here is going to provide methods on how to kill yourself but please stick with the forum, hopefully the support will help you.

I have no personal experience with anorexia, I have studied from the outside in Psychology but I always fear the advice and support I'd give wouldn't be very helpful at all. I have always been under the impression anorexics hate food because they want to be thin but in your case it seems different, or maybe during recovery you are eating more? If so then this is great and I think it's normal for your mum to keep pressuring you to eat because perhaps she is worried you will go back into that dangerzone again. Perhaps you could talk to her, about how annoying it is when she forces you to eat, and you are eating large meals? Try not to be mad at her though, I'm sure she's only worrying because she cares about you.

Humans are social creatures but at the end of the day, no one can force you to be social. Yes, I guess it has it's advantages such as a cure for loneliness and also, support. Do you think, if you had a friend right now who can support and help you through this time, you will feel stronger? I think that way. I feel alone a lot and I sometimes wish I had a good friend who I can hug, talk to, cry on their shoulder because it helps to know that someone cares. When you're used to being on your own, it can be difficult to socialise but it's not impossible. Perhaps if you were to go to a club, something you enjoy, maybe sports, you'd meet people, share interests and perhaps you'd feel a slightly bit better about life. Friends enjoy each others company and you shouldn't feel like you NEED to entertain them. Just be yourself. There are MANY different types of people on this planet, quiet, loud, brassy, sensitive, lazy, outgoing, sporty, geeky etc... and there's friends for everyone, it's just a matter of finding people who WE get on with and gel with.

Do you have any insecurities? Could the reason for you to not like people, result in the anorexia? Such as looks.. etc...? I don't mean to be nosey, I just want to help. Take care. :hug:

 

[Confuzzled]

(EDIT - In response to the first post) Yep, you're a person alright! ^_^

In response to the second, I'll mull over what you said later. Thanks for reading.

 

[Abacus21]

:smile:

I've deleted your other thread because, as you said, it was a duplicate

As Resistance says - I hope you stick with the forum - it is a great help and supports many many people

Take care Patrick

Joe

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Wow that was a lot. So you are recovering from Anorexia huh? That is a good thing. And your mom just wants to make sure you are eating enough. She just does not fully trust you yet that is all. There will come a time so don't worry.

About the phobia, well I have it to on some degree. Everyday when I go to work I am put under and ENORUMUS amount of stress. Every day when I go to school I have horrible anxiety. I just stuff it away. If you can learn to just not feel those things and let them build up inside of you you should be ok. And it takes practice trust me I know. The best place to get that practice is at school.

I completely understand about how people look at you for being wrong for not liking something they like. I get it all the time, I do not like:

• Socializing
• Children
• The idea of Intercourse
• Drinking or doing drugs
• "Partying"
• Myspace or Facebook
• so on and So forth

I just give them the same looks of confusion when I list my likes and they look at me funny.

I am different from you to a huge degree. I was bullied a lot during school. I have been betrayed a great deal during life. That is why I tend to not like other people. All I need is my cat and I will be fine =^_^=

As for wanting to die... who cares what happens after you die you are dead. I know I don't care I am just scared for some reason.... whether that be a fear of an afterlife or punishment or hurting others I don't know I am just scared.

As for the god thing. And half-wit Christan would tell you that you think these thoughts because god has given us free will. Free will to do whatever we want, believe in him or not. And there are varying beliefs on what exactly god is but still....

Anyway, I don't know if I gave you any answers....... but I hope things might get better

 

[LeaveMeAlone]

sorry to hijack slightly here, but I just want to bring something up thats been bothering me, and confuzzled is a great example to use.

Whilst we are strictly pro-life here and most of the time I agree that is a good thing, my worry is that any idiot who can type the word google can go find suicide methods, and pro suicide grouns on the interent, on the usenet stuff is a little hard thought google now provide html front end to most news groups i believe.

We know, and it has been hinted and discussed before that there are some incredibly, exceedingly sick people out there who prey on the weaker of us and think its funny, or it gets them excited or something for them to encourage us to kill ourselves, this is possibly one of the most awful things i can think of, i mean maybe worse than rape, it's more like senseless murder, they pick on those of us who are feeling a weak and with motive, they try to destroy us.

I'm pretty sure that is the reason this site is so well and so strictly moderated, to keep people like that out, but just occasionally one of us feels bad enough that if we can't get it here we'll risk going out into the water, so can't be at least tell people where the sharks are?

If people can find these sites anyway then we should at least put up a list and say, fine but if you go, these bad things will happen and we can't protect you, at least then they have been worned which is more than we're doing now.

My other point is that sometimes it really helps me and i'm sure other people to talk about attempting, discussing ideas, talking it out in detail, how many pills, what type, what you can get from where, exactly what you should cut, that kind of thing, sometimes just making and discussing a detailed plan gives you that little bi of freedom, reminds you that there are still choices available, like when i was 14 - i carried a razor blade around with me for the best part of a year because it made me feel secure, knowing i had it, knowing i could do it. Now at the moment discussing such things is banned, and in an open chatroom or forum, rightly so, but is there a way we could set up a little area which is just for people who wanna talk about this stuff, i don't know if there is anyone up to the task of moderating it, it would need to be someone who wasn't going to get trigged, and who could let people know when they are talking total crap, sometimes some of the best information is stuff like "actually if you do that you will make yourself sick for days" i dunno, please don't shut me down i'm just trying to voice an opinion in an open forum, ask what other people think.

also last part, anyway you could maybe add a section to peoples profiles where you can list what does and doesn't trigger you? so if you're talking to someone you won't bring up a subject that you think is fine and suddenly you've done an awful thing.

 

[Abacus21]

I have asked about the putting of the triggers in profiles, and it is being raised with the other staff

I, personally, think the idea about having a section about what to cut etc etc, is defying the purpose of this site, i.e. - that it is a support forum, and is pro-life. If we have that section you suggested, we would effectively become pro-suicide.

Just my opinion anyway.

Joe

 

[LeaveMeAlone]

I'm not saying we should have a section with detailed methods, I'm saying a safe environment for people who wanna talk about this stuff to be able to, its the equivilent to giving people clean needles, if they're gonna do it anyway, make it as safe as possible.

 

[TiredAndAlone]

I'm not saying we should have a section with detailed methods, I'm saying a safe environment for people who wanna talk about this stuff to be able to, its the equivilent to giving people clean needles, if they're gonna do it anyway, make it as safe as possible.

I agree.

 

[Deadxflower]

awh! that sounds so familiar!
i used to be anorexic last year, and now im bulimic- binge purge all day everyday! last year wud eat nothing and exercise all day..

anyways, i was also agoraphobic, and still socially anxious, beat the agoraphobia but still hate social situations and my main issue is blushing! i dread it beyond belief. i avoid male contact etc.. im insanely shy its horrific!

but yeh, when i was 'recovering' frm the anorexia i used to eat n stuff myself, (not to the amount i do now cos i purge now), but i wud still eat more than 'normal amounts' n feel so ill for HOURS after etc..
but tht changed, its weird how we change thru our disorders, like one thing after another...

just hold in there, i wont lie to you, it might not get better- its probably more likely to get WORSE.. but keep fighting even thru the toughest of times and u will be such a strong person at the end...
just try n be safe- suicide isnt the answer- NOT YET anyways....
give it more time, yr only 16 :smile:

xxx

 

[sadsong]

I'm not saying we should have a section with detailed methods, I'm saying a safe environment for people who wanna talk about this stuff to be able to, its the equivilent to giving people clean needles, if they're gonna do it anyway, make it as safe as possible.

The chances are if we set up a section for that we risk having the site shut down, which i know would leave a lot of people even more vulnerable. We can't stop people looking up methods outside of this site, but keeping this site safe and method free is just one of the ways we are trying to support our members and keep us all safe.

 

[ace]

LMA you raise some very good points and I do concur with you:smile: ,having that extra place where people may feel the serious need to come out and talk about their severe serious intentions of doing something to themselves could be very helpful to say the least.As you said it has to be moderated by someone up to the task,but it could be a very effective means of help that many of us may just need.

 

[Darken]

Op I am very very similar to you. Anoreix is better than being a fatass like me imo. I wish I was anorexic. I do endulge in fantasy too, I play online games like mmorpgs and shooters. I also love animation and fantasy scifi movies. Waste my time with skilltoys too. Your moms scared for you, its the natural way humans are. At least she doesnt tell you to go ahead and kill your self like my mom, my grandma even offered me poisined cool aid.

I never really had to many friends ive always been shy I just had friends to feel excepted and not be embarrased alone; to meet the standard of what my family and peers expect from me. Im not an asexual, tho I do believe in sexual morailty and find immoral sexuality repulsive for some reason, probably because it has negative effects. I hate seeing kids with parents that dont care or bother to raise them decently. Im a atheist, been one for a few years I guess. I agree about religion.

It has overall had more nagitive effects on the world than positive, and its also a lie. If you like lieing to yourself and pretending a space ship is going to zap your invisible soul up and take you to paradise, thats fine with me. Fantasy can be better than reality. Im not scared of an afterlife or death at all, if you study atheism, youll understand why. I get more comfort from atheism than I ever did from religion.

I am rational prochoice. Like if you have a good reason to die which can be any thing really, but am against suicide over temporary loss like a gf or dog which you might regret later in life, but I obviously cant be on this web site or ill get banned. Welp guess thats it , if you want to talk my email is [email protected]