I feel sick right now, coz I'm so stuffed with food. I want to explain a lot of things but I'm so fucking stuffed with food that I can't concentrate on typing, so there may be a few errors... My name's Patrick, I'm 16. I'm anorexic, although you'd have no idea looking at me. I've been recovering for 1 and a half years now and I'm "out of the danger zone" weight wise. The thing is, I don't want anyone to explain that I'm not fat. In fact I probably understand that now to some degree, so save it. That doesn't take away the fact that I'm still fucking stuffed with food. Noone understands that it's normal to stop eating after you're full. Hell, after all this time I enjoy food and look forward to my meals, but they're always marred by people forcing too much on me and getting angry when I don't finish. I have more than my mum now. She says I don't. Am I just some deluded anorexic who believes things that aren't necessarily so? The answer, is no. I have huge meals (on huge plates so it looks like less) then a pudding, then lots of fruit with a huge glass of juice. My mum has her main meal and that's it. It's smaller than my main meal for Christ sake. Then, I come up here to the computer and sit down for about 5 hours. I don't feel great. I'm agrophobic. Ever since I was small I hate going to school. I've never been 'properly' bullied, I'm not too bad at my lessons, I just hate the whole school setup. I don't especially like people. What have they done to me? Nothing. I'd just rather keep my own company. Of course, that can't be a possibility can it? Course not, everyone on the planet is the same. If I don't want to socialise, then I'm wrong because most other people do. Fuck the people is what I say. I didn't sign a contract to abide by your ways when I was born, I should have some freedom. I won't fucking kill anyone, I just want to do things that come naturally to me. Why the fuck should I have to grow up if I don't want to? I don't. I can just end the maddness here. If I'm dead, none of this petty humanity would apply to me. I hate having friends. If someone tries to be my friend, I'll be polite to them, but probably give them the brush off, aka making excuses, not being chatty and such. I don't need the pressure of entertaining you. I don't want to be around you. My thoughts are better than your though alright? So yeah I'm agrophobic and I can't see me getting a job because of this. I don't like leaving the house, I don't want to interact with anyone. If I had my way, I'd just play Nintendo all day, or possibly be inside some Tim Burton film. Relatively random desires, but I suppose they're good sources of escapism. After that (or joint) I'd like to kill myself. What a harsh expression though. I believe 'ending the maddness' or 'being set free' is more relevant. More people would be brave enough to do so if that was how it was said. My only chance of a job in the future is being a cartoonist, but I'm not as good as loads of people out there, in my college, in the world. Why the fuck should I be needed? I can't kill myself, because of my parents. I don't know whether they're content to lead their lives or not. They probably are for some reason, but I don't know if they're destined for miserable lives or not. By killing myself, I'd be personally ensuring this. And what kind of son would that make me? Eternal misery is something a demon would place on someone, not a loved one. I can physically feel my newly aquired roles of flab caving in on themselves in my stomach. I'd show you my rediculously large eating plan, but you'd judge me for it. Some may post so, others won't, but you probably would. Now I don't mind recovering, getting "back to health", but all I can see is a never ending weight gain. When does it stop? Why would they want to make it stop? Wouldn't they fear of setting me back by saying so? I'm just gonna have to keep going. Why must I be physically changed to something I don't want to be?! It's not my decision, nothing is. I have a stupid lack of confidence, so I could never talk to a girl. How could I? I can't talk to my friends, how could I get close to a girl? I'd probably go red first, and then start fucking crying I lack so much confidence. And that's the reason, I don't need any fucking jokes you hear? I want to die! Why can't I just die? God is the biggest load of fucking ballacks I've ever heard. I respect people who can take something out of believing in him, if that makes then happy then fine, but deep down I judge anyone over 10 who still believes in God. A big human in the sky? What did he evolve from then, a big chimp? And that a big mud skipper? With special powers? What a genius though. This giant mud skipper in the sky making existance. 'And if you don't do good things you get eternal damn nation. Why? Er... not sure. Give me a break I'm only human I haven't imagined that up yet'. God. What a load of fucking ballacks. If there was a God, of course I wouldn't be saying this, but there isn't. If I don't believe in this God, then it's his fault for not making himself seen. I used to believe but then I realised its just a world wide cult. What a joke people are. So I'm wondering, and hopefully you can be grown up about this, what is the easiest, quickest, sure fire way to kill yourself? Not that I would, as I explained I couldn't do that to my parents, but I need some knowledge on this so I can feel secure. I at least need to know so I can feel safe. If I don't, and there's no chance of freedom, I'll be depressed.