I need some real advice on this.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by tottenhamhotspur, May 3, 2010.

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  1. tottenhamhotspur

    tottenhamhotspur Active Member

    This event has been bothering me for years now. It happened almost 4 years ago and has been bothering me almost 3, almost all day and night.
    I obsessivly post it on Yahoo Answers, trying to find the 'right answer' to my question, but all I get it either rude or well meaning people whom give me a few lines of an answer. I need help.

    Please take the time to read the post and tell me what you think.This is the exact question i began posted over 2 years ago now.

    Hey Everyone. Sorry that this is so long, but it’s been bothering me and I have to get it off my chest, and see what people’s opinions are so hopefully I can put my mind to rest. Here is my story as I best remember it and as truthfully as possible. About a year and a half ago I got drunk at a bar with a friend of mine. Sometime while he was up and away or after he left, I was sitting on a patio with a woman about my age (21) and I wanted to make a move on her, so I kissed her ( it must have lasted for a few seconds, and I tried sort of using the tongue, but I am still rather timid and pulled away after a bit so it’s not like I really have her a chance to respond to it) . She didn’t say anything or ask me to stop, she seemed fine with it, maybe a bit surprised at most. Later I put my hand down in her pant and touched her bottom , though as we were both sitting down so I don’t think I got down too far ( not that I was trying to, I’m not sure what I was thinking other than I was an idiot.)

    She never asked me to stop or seemed disrupted ( after all, if someone just leans over, kisses you full on with tongue and all, you’d say something right?, and then I’m sure if she had a problem with my touching she’d of said something.) anyways, when my friend came back and went to leave, some of her friends ( she was with others- she was not alone) said I should leave with him ( because he was asking me to walk home with him) but I wanted to stick around to talk with this woman. At the time I thought that they wanted me to leave with him just to be nice to the poor lad ( after all, I abandoned the poor guy for a 20 minute walk home - and yes, I have apologized profusely for my behaviour to him as well that night.) Later on in the night, I was walking, about to leave when a girl starting talking to me and said something along the lines of ‘hey, weren’t you the one who tried to stick your tongue down my friend’s throat?’ I was offended by her way of saying the question,

    and likely embarrassed by my behaviour, and said no, to which she shook her head vertically , saying ‘yes, you did! Yes you did!”
    but I don’t recall her being particularly rude about it. She may have also said ‘I think you better leave” though this might have just been me demonizing myself later, as I have no solid recollection of that happening, and I would assume that I would. (read below)
    So here is my story NOW-

    More than half a year ago, I remembered this event and it started bothering me. Did this woman feel violated by my actions? Did I sexually assault someone? I became very harsh on myself and forgot to remember that it was a stupid thing I had done- but I didn’t force her to, and I would have stopped had she asked me to. I have been obsessive about the event and I am now taking meds for my depression. Though the meds have helped and my quality of life is returning, the questions still bother me - Is this woman alright? What if she had never kissed someone before and I violated that for her? Will I ever accept myself and be able to forgive myself and move on? I would never do something to hurt or violate another person, and I feel like I’ll never be able to fully forgive myself.
    At the height of my depression I did not want to live and considered myself the worst, most vile scum on the planet, but I am starting to come around to realize I made an honest mistake and didn’t mean any harm by my actions. Please weigh in with your thoughts and answers to any of my questions. Your help will hopefully help put my sadly depressed mind and heart at ease.
  2. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I really feel for you hun because I have seen this posting on Yahoo answers AND on here at least twice and honestly - to someone like me - I cannot understand why this is still bothering you.

    In my humble opinion I would say the answer is no - this woman didn't feel violated by your actions. You say you were in a club, which means you were in public and furthermore she in no way asked you to stop or even pulled away.

    What you have to realise is, people of a certain age (18 - 30) go out all the time, get drunk and kiss strangers, a lot of the time it goes much further than just a kiss, slipping hands down clothing and what not, and as far as going home together for sex. I've done it plenty of times and I'm sure a lot of other people on here will say they have too. It's almost what people have come to expect on a night out.
    This woman could've asked you to stop - she didn't. I've had guys kiss me and I didn't ask them to stop, that kind of says it all. If she appeared uncomfortable or unnerved surely her friends would've said something if she was too shy to do it for herself, or even someone else in the bar.

    You kissed a girl and it didn't quite to plan, it's happened to all of us, several times in fact! Now if the two of you were naked and in bed and she had asked you to stop and you hadn't but instead would've carried on that would be a WHOLE different scenario. That would've violation, that would've been rape. What happened here was NOTHING, nothing at all!!
    Did you sexually assualt someone - no.
    Did this woman feel violated by your actions - doubtful. Highly doubtful.

    If this was such a massive deal for this woman, surely she (or her friends) would've called the police, asked to check CCTV or alerted a member of staff at the club/bar to say you had done something inappropriate and were some sort of sexual deviant. But they didn't.

    There's no real way around this other than for you to stop with the what ifs.

    What if she had never kissed someone before - she was 21 and at a club. What are the chances of that?

    Is this woman alright? - All you did was kiss her and stick your hands a little of the way down her pants. Try asking a female friend or anybody else how they would feel if this happened to them. Most would probably say it has at some point or another and they just laughed it off or forgot about it.

    Can I ask you a question now... why do you think this is still bothering you? And have you sought out professional help for it through counselling and what not? That is not me trying to patronise or anything so please don't feel that way, I ask because this REALLY REALLY does not seem like something you should be worrying about... not anymore and not at all.
  3. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    It mostly just sounds like a case of an over-protective friend rather than you doing something wrong. Had you of I'm sure she would've let you know right away, rather than just accept it. In any case though people often do dumb stuff while under the influence of alcohol, obviously it impairs judgement..
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    If she wasn't feeling that you oversteeped your boundries she would have told you to stop.. After all she had her friends for support..Maybe her friend approaching you was because she was interested and you walked..
  5. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I totally forgot to add that part! Couldn't agree more with Joseph.
    Her friend probably came up to you to get you back there! But your low self esteem is seeing it as 'her friend came over to shoot me a look of disdain'.
    I have absolutely gone over to a guy who I saw kissing my friend earlier in the night (that she - herself - was too shy to re-approach). Did you ever think that was her friends reason for asking what she did?
  6. tottenhamhotspur

    tottenhamhotspur Active Member

    Thanks everybody.
    I think I have some more deep-rooted issues I still have to deal with relating to and because of the event itself, and perhaps less to do with it itself.
    I just feel as if I am now a fundamentally flawed person, a person who defines himself as 'bad' or unworthy.
    I also think there is an element of OCD disorder. When I stop thinking about this, I just replace it with thoughts of generally unhappiness about my life and the notion I no longer wish to be around.
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