I have been depressed for quite a lot of my life. During the start of 2006 I started to constantly think about killing myself, every hour of every day it was all I could think about. I have no real friends during this time I hanged around with one friend of mines friends, they didnt even know my name. It was basically me standing saying nothing all the time. At this time I was trying to form a band cause I like music a lot. So then I met the guitarist for my band. She was a shy girl when I first saw her. We started to hang out and after our first practice she and her boyfriend (who went out with each other for a year) broke up. Shortly later we started going out. This was when all those thoughts of suicide dissapeared, I was really happy. A month and 3 quaters of a month into the relationship, I told her I was in love with her. I really was. Then a week later I went to her house and she wouldnt kiss me. And two days after that she dumped me saying that she didnt want to be in a relationship at the momment. I was obviously devastated as I had very strong feelings about her. After the break up we still kept hanging out as we were in a band so we stayed friends. Every night of 2006 she was the thing I thought about before I fell asleep. The thought of suicide came back. In the summer we hanged out all the time and we were making out again, though she didnt want to go out with me as I asked her again she continued to make out with me and was seducing me, trying to get me to have sex with her. Though I really wanted to have sex with her I couldnt do it because of the thought we would get caught and I would lose her. I went on holiday with my family later when I returned it was back to her not wanting to do any kissing or anything like that again. We still stayed friends. When it came to november she changed in a way, she complained about me to my face, she shouted at me. Then near end of november she started hanging with some guy quite a lot he woul walk with her to band practice. After we did a gig I asked her about them possibly going out she said no as she didnt think he was cute enough. Start of december they started going out. She stopped talking to me outside of band practice and wouldnt hang around with me. She told me and the drummer at practice that the new boyfriend was going to stay over at her house for 2 days. It was safe to assume what they were going to do. And still she doesnt talk to me.
What I find wrong is that I dont know why I give so much of a damn about this. I really shouldnt care that much about her, she used me as a rebound for her ex then tossed me aside at her will. Eve as a friend she did the same. But I get upset about this and I wish I had the courage to actually kill myself, I always think it but when I hold a knife I cant bring myself to do it. So I want to know if anyone has the answer to what is wrong with me? Why I care so much about her? Why should I care when I know she's used me and treated me unfairly?
What I find wrong is that I dont know why I give so much of a damn about this. I really shouldnt care that much about her, she used me as a rebound for her ex then tossed me aside at her will. Eve as a friend she did the same. But I get upset about this and I wish I had the courage to actually kill myself, I always think it but when I hold a knife I cant bring myself to do it. So I want to know if anyone has the answer to what is wrong with me? Why I care so much about her? Why should I care when I know she's used me and treated me unfairly?
