I need someone to explain what's wrong with me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by this_guy, Jan 1, 2007.

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  1. this_guy

    this_guy Member

    I have been depressed for quite a lot of my life. During the start of 2006 I started to constantly think about killing myself, every hour of every day it was all I could think about. I have no real friends during this time I hanged around with one friend of mines friends, they didnt even know my name. It was basically me standing saying nothing all the time. At this time I was trying to form a band cause I like music a lot. So then I met the guitarist for my band. She was a shy girl when I first saw her. We started to hang out and after our first practice she and her boyfriend (who went out with each other for a year) broke up. Shortly later we started going out. This was when all those thoughts of suicide dissapeared, I was really happy. A month and 3 quaters of a month into the relationship, I told her I was in love with her. I really was. Then a week later I went to her house and she wouldnt kiss me. And two days after that she dumped me saying that she didnt want to be in a relationship at the momment. I was obviously devastated as I had very strong feelings about her. After the break up we still kept hanging out as we were in a band so we stayed friends. Every night of 2006 she was the thing I thought about before I fell asleep. The thought of suicide came back. In the summer we hanged out all the time and we were making out again, though she didnt want to go out with me as I asked her again she continued to make out with me and was seducing me, trying to get me to have sex with her. Though I really wanted to have sex with her I couldnt do it because of the thought we would get caught and I would lose her. I went on holiday with my family later when I returned it was back to her not wanting to do any kissing or anything like that again. We still stayed friends. When it came to november she changed in a way, she complained about me to my face, she shouted at me. Then near end of november she started hanging with some guy quite a lot he woul walk with her to band practice. After we did a gig I asked her about them possibly going out she said no as she didnt think he was cute enough. Start of december they started going out. She stopped talking to me outside of band practice and wouldnt hang around with me. She told me and the drummer at practice that the new boyfriend was going to stay over at her house for 2 days. It was safe to assume what they were going to do. And still she doesnt talk to me.

    What I find wrong is that I dont know why I give so much of a damn about this. I really shouldnt care that much about her, she used me as a rebound for her ex then tossed me aside at her will. Eve as a friend she did the same. But I get upset about this and I wish I had the courage to actually kill myself, I always think it but when I hold a knife I cant bring myself to do it. So I want to know if anyone has the answer to what is wrong with me? Why I care so much about her? Why should I care when I know she's used me and treated me unfairly?
  2. Sorrow

    Sorrow Well-Known Member

    I don't think there is anything wrong with you, maybe her, but not you. You sound like a very caring person. It sounds like she sent you mixed signals, that must have been very confusing for you. It sounds cruel how she treated you. If you need someone to talk to I'm here.
  3. this_guy

    this_guy Member

    Thank you. I cant help but feel in love with her but I dont know why, I know for a fact she doesnt feel the same but I cant stop thinking like this.
  4. Sorrow

    Sorrow Well-Known Member

    Love can be strange sometimes. I think most people sometime in their life love or have strong feelings for someone who does not feel the same way. That doesn't mean that something is wrong with you or that you are not loveable it's just the way it is sometimes. Over time your feelings will become less strong and it will hurt less, not so helpful now though. One day you will meet a girl who geniunely likes you for you. Wish I could be more helpful, but I'm here anytime you need someone to listen.
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    The only way to experience true love is to experience it with another person reciprocally. You may find it hard to get over this girl, but one day you will find someone who you love and who also loves you back and that feeling will eclipse anything you are feeling now. Don't give up :)
  6. this_guy

    this_guy Member

    yesterday I was at her birthday party, this was bowling then to her brothers flat. The week before hand, (we did hang out again), it seemed like her and her boyfriend were going to end. She was angry with him as he wouldnt respond to her. It looked like he wasnt comming to her party, I was hoping for this. But I text her on the day to see who was coming and he was. We went to the bowling me, her and another friend went on the train to the bowling. Her boyfriend and the rest walked there instead of getting on the train with us. She was once again angry with him. I was feeling happy about this cause I thought they would break up. But every time she was furious at him, a few minutes later she would be hugging him and holding hands. Everytime I saw them do this I just wanted to die. She could tell there was something wrong with me and kept asking me a lot of the night if I was ok and before we got the bus to hers she said to me" I know you have problems where you feel crap, and if you're going to be like this for the rest of the night you can go home if you want." I thought about this, then she went angry again with her boyfriend as he was making us wait for a bus, when we could have walked 2 minutes up and got on the propper bus. But when they got on the bus they sat together hugged, held hands and talked for the whole trip. So I decided not to go to the brothers, cause I couldnt stand it. I put myself in a false reality that maybe one day we will be together again, but seeing him just shows me what I will never have but would give the world for. I am in love with her, she doesnt know it but I am. I know I should keep away from her but I cant do that.
  7. jheartsblue

    jheartsblue New Member

    Nothing's wrong with you. You are in love with her, and it just isn't easy for you to forget her. Why do you care so much about her? No one can answer that but yourself. I will only tell you that is it truly normal to be thinking about her even after all she's done to you. But remember that it won't always be this way. Eventually the pain will heal, and I can tell you it will for sure. I've been through this too, and for a fact I still haven't fully recovered, but I can assure you that with the help of time your jealousy and desperation will pass, so if this is really what's bothering you and causing you to think of suicide, then really think about it. Is ending your life really worth this? I know right now you can't see any way out of this, but if you knew for sure that soon you will be feeling better, why not try to resist and explore the other sides of the world? Afterall you'll be missing out on a lot of other things. Now of course I'm just assuming how you're feeling, I know I really don't know what's going on with you, so this is my advice based on what I know.
    I also think that you should move on with your life. Now I know it's not easy because I know how it is, but maybe making an effort of not always eyeing her and her bf would help. The more you look at them and how they spend their time together, the more you'll suffer.
    Hope this helped.
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