I Need Someone to Hear Me

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Incomitatus_01, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. I don't post here very often, but I remembered this site from the last time things got very dark for me, and I don't know where else to turn to try and be heard. I'm having a really rough time right now. I haven't been doing well in general but things are really overwhelming me today. That knot in my stomach, the physical pain that comes along with the depression, whatever you call it... it got so intense today that I had trouble breathing. I can't remember that ever happening before. There aren't very many people I can talk to, and those I can open up to have already heard this from me over and over again. I just want to scream out as loud as I can, and tell someone I'm hurting.

    I'm not suicidal, but I haven't been able to get the idea of it out of my head all day. I know I would never go through with it, I would be much too scared to even try. So I really don't want to tell anyone around me that I'm thinking about it so much because they'll worry, and I don't want anybody getting upset about something I know isn't really going to happen.

    I don't know what to do. I want to talk to someone, but when I do I don't know what to say or ask for. How do I ask a person to listen to me when I don't really have anything to say? Maybe the people here will understand. No one else seems to.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you tell them you just need someone to hold you that you are not knowing what is wrong that you are in emotional pain and that you just want someone near I know that pain it is so deep it takes one breath away but try okay try to breath slowly and the hold it the let it out slowly look around and see all is okay I hear you and i understand let the tears flow okay let the pain go through you to the other side breath okay it is the only way to get rid of the pain is to let it out. take care scream if you have too i have done that too outside just scream my head off and it helped as well
     
  3. Well I don't have anyone who can hold me... the breathing seems to be helping a little, though. That's the other problem I have, I'm also fairly isolated. Everyone that I can talk to that I'm even remotely close to, I talk to through the computer screen. Social phobia kinda holds me back from connecting with anyone face-to-face. So I can't really have anyone here with me.

    I know that this will pass, this real intense part... but I know that it will come back. Sometimes I get to a point where I can feel okay for a while, but I've very rarely ever felt happy. This is just the way things are, and I need to accept it, but it's more than I can deal with tonight. I'm just going to try to keep breathing like you said.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    depression comes back but with meds the times it comes back it is shorter not so long lived i find. breathing in the box tends to take anxiety away. I too isolate not wanting physical contact ihate it actually even if you hug a pillow when your so sad it hellps i find. i wish this illness would go away as well. Talk therapy helps Sometimes just hearing a real voice on a phone tells you your not alone crisis line helps for that. I hope you sadness leaves you soon and some light comes in
     
  5. Today doesn't seem quite as bad as yesterday was, even though it's just getting started now. I'm going to have to spend the rest of the day studying for a test I'm not ready for tomorrow, and I barely feel like I can do anything at all.

    Squeezing a pillow and staying in bed is comforting, but I'm torn between having too much work to do and not enough time to do it and not having enough time to try and soothe myself. I know eventually I'll get through it, but I can't help thinking that I really don't *want* to get through it anymore. What could possibly be worth going through all this for? The odds are really stacked against me.

    But it would be nice if there was some light soon. And thank you for listening.
     
  6. I'm replying to my own thread before getting a post to reply to first... I'm not sure if that's considered a faux pas in the forum world or not. But I decided to provide an update.

    The intense feelings I've been having lately have abated. The suicidal ideation has essentially stopped, and I'm back to lamenting how hard the road ahead is going to be instead of looking for an exit ramp to avoid it.

    Now I just feel a deep sadness. I'm very much alone, and while I think I can get through what lies ahead, I still don't see anything waiting at the other end to look forward to. I only move forward because staying still feels worse. It's like being on a forced march... I keep marching because one of the guards will whack me in the head if I stop. I did exceptionally well on a test the other day. I just felt relieved it was over and that I wouldn't have another failure to drag me down deeper.

    The logical part of me is telling myself over and over that I should be grateful that I'm not in as much pain as I was when the week started. It was much, much worse than this. I feel like people around me would be saying "geez, there's just no pleasing this guy..." and that I should shut up and take what I can get. But I can still remember when I actually felt happy, and that's so far from where I am that it would take years just for the light from "happy" to reach the Earth.

    No wonder I can't find anyone to be with me. I wouldn't want to hang out around a mopey guy like me, either.
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i am sorry you are still not back to full you yet. but i am glad the pain is less. I have started on new medication wellbutrin sr and it does work omg i am crying less i am able to function so much better because the sadness the lonlieness feeling is going away. Have you considered medication just to help your through this rough time YOu can't see what is at the end of tunnel because each day brings the hope of new things new turns in the road I hope you consider trying antidepressant it took me along time to accept them but i am glad i now have because i have me back. take care don't give up okay do anything in your power to get you back okay meds therapy because you deserve to have peace and happiness and healing.
     
  8. I do take medications, wellbutrin among them. I discovered that it was the best antidepressant for me, and I went through a lot of them before I found it. The drugs certainly have helped... in retrospect I think it may have been a mistake to stop taking lithium, and my doctor might put me back on it soon. There's really only so much that a drug can do to help, though. In the rare times when I have felt happy in the past (and they were brief), I was medicated much the same way I am now. It was just the other things that were different, and unfortunately you can't buy any of them in a pharmacy.

    I've been suffering from depression for such a long time that I'm not even sure I know who the full me is.
     
  9. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    I would just like to congratulate you on doing so well in your test.
    When I read you were preparing for a test I feared for you but you must have impressive powers of concentration. Well done!
     
  10. Thank you! That's very thoughtful. It's good to have at least something to point to that lets you know you aren't just cursed... there are still some things I can accomplish, and not everything is a disaster waiting to happen. I just hope the tests next week go well, too...
     
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i hope you do well too on your test next week Good luck being sent your way
     
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