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I need someone to help me understand.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Libi, Nov 3, 2009.

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  1. Libi

    Libi New Member

    Almost just had another episode. I was doing the ironing and an icredible urge to hold it against my skin came over me... I've never self harmed[apart from the 3 times i have attempted suicide] before so why should it start now?
    I feel alone and confused. I have nothing. No one. My boyfriend is the only person who I know will never leave me- he says he understands but im not sure he does. I try to smile but it takes so much energy. When people ask me how i am doing and i tell them- they make me so angry- because all they ever say is " stop talking like that" its not my fault i feel the way i do is it? I feel like I have failed everyone. I think sometimes my partner is just here and still with me because he feels he has to be.

    I don't want to feel like this anymore. I attempted suicide on saturday.. and i dont want it again. I ran a bath a few hours ago and its still sitting full as i am too scared to get in it incase i just decide to go under. I am home alone for the first time in months, I said i would be ok and that he could trust me. But i dont think i am. I just cant let him know i am weak again. it will destroy him. I am so lost. I cant lose him he is my everything and my world.

    I dont want to feel like this but i dont know how to stop it. at least not long enough for him to get home. please someone help me.
  2. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hey Libi, I'm sorry you're feeling that way.

    What do you think that's causing your suicide urges? What's distressing you like that? And about the ironing urge, don't think so much of it, I've been there, you see something that could harm you enough and you think how you could use it against yourself. It's not that uncommon around depressed people, but what's important is that you pull the urge to the back of your mind, and I see you did, good job!

    Hun, sometimes, despite how hard it may seem, you have to turn your back on the bad things and look at the good ones. You have a boyfriend, and as you say, he isn't likely to go anywhere for the time being. Take comfort and strengh from that, invest in your relationship, do activities togheter (but don't forget to let him breath!) and have fun, it doesn't seem you're having much fun and you have to take your mind off those suicide thoughts, keep your brain busy, that's the trick.

    In any case, keep posting here, tell us about yourself, we'll be here to listen. Take care and if you feel like it, PM me anytime.
  3. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    you seem to have more than alot of people have. trust your boyfriend.
  4. Libi

    Libi New Member

    what part of i have nothing didnt you get.
  5. bluedays

    bluedays Well-Known Member

    It's really scary to feel that way. I can relate to a lot of what you said, about other people telling you to stop talking like that & the anger you feel because of it. Sometimes it seems like no one understands, doesn't it?

    Maybe you could talk to your boyfriend about how you are feeling... maybe he can help you find some external help. I don't know your situation nor do I know if there is anything that can ease your pain, but I care.

    I feel those horrible things a lot. My husband, like your boyfriend, is the one person I know will never leave. But I feel like a burden to him & am trying to push him away so that he won't be stuck dealing with me... so he can find a life with someone "normal".

    I wish you love & comfort.
  6. Jhon

    Jhon New Member

    Hi Libi

    You said that you had nothing and no one, you then said that your boyfriend would never leave you. I noticed that someone pointed out that your boyfriend is "someone" and that you reaffirmed you had "no one". This is something I'm trying to understand about you. Do you feel disconnected from him? What is your boyfriend to you? He would never leave you? Would you leave him?

    @bluedays - My girl pushes me away sometimes too, she claims she has too much baggage and is too much for me to handle. I will tell you what I tell her, you deserve to be loved. Dont push... pull.
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