I need someone to talk to. (Triggering possible)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Fantasy Addict, Mar 14, 2009.

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  1. Fantasy Addict

    Fantasy Addict Active Member

    Hello. My name is Collin, and I'm a fourteen-year-old living with my parents, whom I have some major resentment toward. The reason that I say that triggering is possible is because stories of similar things have made me hurt myself in the past, so I'm just being careful.

    Anyway, as I said before, living with my parents can be extremely frustrating. The two of them never worked together well as a couple. Within a few months of their marriage my father began cheating on my mother and continued to do so for numerous years. Of course, this shouldn't have been terribly surprising, because he was a huge drunk back then. Of course, their disagreements on how to parent their kids also got in the way of their relationship. While my father always believed that physical punishment (Not abuse - Just spanking, hitting with a belt, or refusing to feed us for a day or so.) was the best way to pound rules into the brains of my older sister and me, my mother was more into the idea of simply telling us that what we did was wrong. However, no matter how bad he was before, his attitude worsened greatly when he became a Christian. You see, because his church believed that only they would go to heaven, my father naturally wanted us to join them. The problem was that we already had a church, and we prefered ours to his. (While ours believed in love and compassion, his believed in punishing sinners or those who were different.) One day, he brought me into the living room and had me sit on his lap. Now, before I continue, you have to understand that my father and I have always been complete opposites. While he has always been competitve and outgoing, I've always been quiet and extremely inward with my feelings. (mainly because the way that he presented punishment - It appeared to a small child that emotional expression was a bad thing the way he always punished me for it.) That day in the living room, he asked me if I would be willing to join his church. I didn't want to, but on the other hand, I didn't want to disappoint him, because I always wanted him to love me. Still, he was asking this without my mother's knowledge, so it put me in a very awkward position deciding between going to church with her or my father. I became so confused that I began shaking a lot and stuttering. I'm not sure if it was that which got him angry, or the fact that I curled my hand into a fist, but he freaked out. Pushing me off of him and onto the couch, he began to scream and curse at me, repeatedly calling me a "fucking pathetic embarassment" and a "fucking loser". That was when my mother had come into the room, and seeing him going beserk, she grabbed me and drove me down the street to where my sister was babysitting the neighbors' dogs while they were away. That was the first time that she said they were going to get a divorce, and that was also when I started to hurt myself. I felt so bad about myself, thinking that everything was my own fault, that I began to beat myself up at school as well as at home. No matter where I was, whenever I became frustrated or angry at myself (which, due to my low self-esteem, was numerous times per day) I would repeatedly punch myself in the head, yelling, "I hate myself! I hate myself!" The teachers ignored it, but my friends didn't. All the kids thought I was a freak, so no one liked me anymore, and I attempted suicide numerous times. Fortunately, I was bad at it, but the unfortunate side to it was that my father always used to scream at me for my self-harm, threatening to abandon me on the streets. My mother had a tendency to brush off my daily self-beatings with an annoyed "Ugh, Collin, cut it out." I was nine years old. Worse yet, the divorce that my mother had spoken of never happened, and things only got worse when my father began to steal our belongings and sell them online. One day, when my mother began to question him about it, he grabbed her and threw her across the hard brick patio. She was lucky not to smash open her head. My father was arrested for it, and my mother said they were going to get divorced again. They didn't. He just came back. By this point, I was having nightmares literally every night, usually involving him murdering me or being placed in a mental hospital to be eaten by maggots. The stress consumed me completely, and I prayed for God to kill me every night, as I was too afraid to do it myself due to my father's punishments. The third "divorced period" occured when my father had strangled my sister, snapped her cell phone in half, and thrown her to the floor for not getting out of bed immediately after being told to. He left us for eight months this time (Woo! New record!) and my sister and I were allowed to do whatever we wished while my mother locked herself up in her room 24/7 due to intense depression. We ate loads of junk food, got drunk, stole from stores together, and did whatever the hell we wanted. We were free... until my father came back. The worst part was when my sister moved out to live on her own, because she was now old enough (seventeen years old). This is when I started to cut my arms, and this gave even more reasons for my parents to punish me. When I came to my mother to ask for help one night after cutting myself, she freaked out, swearing and screaming at me, calling me a stupid emo kid who was just hurting himself for attention. My father told me with a smug look on his face that if I joined his church, I'd be happy. They also decided that if they ever discovered any marks from my self-harm that they would send me to the hospital, and that I would never be allowed home again. Since then, my mother has declared divorce upon my father twice more, but she went through with neither of them. She claims to be looking at apartments, but knowing her, it's only an empty threat to be used against my father. Things won't be changing any time soon.

    Anyway, to anyone who actually listened to me, you have my deepest thanks. I feel a lot better after telling that story, and my support goes out to everyone else who is struggling with an abusive situation. No one deserves to be put in that place, and I understand how you feel. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me, and I'll do whatever I can to help you out.

    Thanks again!
  2. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    hello love! :)

    your story tears at my heart. i'm sorry to hear that. :(

    my father is an alcoholic(runs in my family) and we've gotten into horrible fights in the past because of it... but now as an adult i've come to accept it and love him despite it all... i've come to see that he is not only a parent but a real person too... being a parent i can imagine is tough, and you will never do it perfectly no matter how hard you try because children are so fragile...

    if you aren't perfect... how will you raise a child perfectly?

    to have a child means you aren't allowed to experience life only for you... you have to always think of another person and unselfishly give to them... responsibility kicks in and you aren't afforded mistakes anymore... and that becomes even harder if you have your own personal problems and demons to deal with too...

    your father sounds like he has a lot of issues that he has within himself and within his personality. he is definitely not healthy as his own person so he isn't doing well as a parent either. so my advice is to not let your parents destroy the feelings you have for yourself because the problems are within him and not you.

    please don't let their faults and bad choices affect you. :(

    you are the person who defines who you are in the end, not your parents. you are coming close to adulthood so this is a good chance to learn who you want to be and don't want to be. you are the one in power of you... so do yourself a favor and work hard for yourself so that when you do leave your unhappy situation, you'll be in a very happy place...

    i don't know what else to say except that perhaps you should look for outside help or guidance?... do you have friend's parents, teachers, counselors, or any other adults in your life whom you could go to? even to just have a positive and healthy adult influence in your life...

    i wish for you the best. i can't say i completely understand your situation but i hope my words helped a little. :sad:

    i send my love <333333
  3. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    You're a very brave person and you have my deep respect and admiration. I'll always be here if you need someone to talk to my friend.
  4. Fantasy Addict

    Fantasy Addict Active Member

    Thank you both. I really appreciate your support, and to be honest, simply typing it out helped me a lot. I was feeling very depressed, but I feel okay now. Again, thank you so much. :laugh:
  5. Hayley

    Hayley Active Member

    I feel overwhelmed with compassion for you. You're fourteen, this shit shouldn't be happening to you or anyone else. To type that all out shows bravery. Just know you have support here in this forum. :)
  6. Hey dude.

    Wow, I can't tell you how much respect I have for you. You really are doing amazingly well. The Church shouldn't be condemning you like that or putting those kind of ideas into your dad's head. I feel totally compassionate for your whole family. My Dad was quite abusive at times and it was so hard to take but it took me a while to realise that he was as messed up as I was, if not more...harbouring so many bitter disappointments about how life has panned out. It sounds like your Mum is struggling to accept that everything seems to be going wrong and maybe can't imagine life without your Dad. You've got such a wise head on you for a fourteen year old, the fact that you still love your parents, even though you can't stand them at times (there's a difference). Maybe approach your Mum and tell her you love her, that might do some help. But listen, PM me if you wanna have a chat sometime. You're doing such a great job mate. God bless you.
  7. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    When you started off saying your father wasn't abusive... hitting you with a belt, starving you... that, friend, is abuse. He is an abusive drunken thief. None of that is your fault, you should bear no guilt for the sins of the father. Your mother's considering divorce is not your fault, either. When you brought it up, I hoped that she had come to her senses and realized she needed to get you and herself out of a dangerous and evil situation. Unfortunately she seems to be stuck in the role of victim. That does not mean you have to be one also. I think it was Robert Heinlein who said, "You cannot enslave a free man..." (I'll leave you to finish the quote). You just have to be strong enough inside to maintain your freedom.
    Anyway, don't hurt yourself, the adults in your life are doing enough. Please find the strength to endure. Pushed hard enough, there is professional help available. Using it and getting totally out from your birth family is a better deal.
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