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I need someone to tell me what to do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by am94, Mar 31, 2015.

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  1. am94

    am94 New Member

    Firstly, I want to apologise for my anonymity here at the forum, for posting something so personal so soon after joining, and for any triggers that may appear throughout my post. Moderators, please, if I’ve misunderstood and posted this in the wrong place, please hide my message and write me to tell me where it should go.

    I need some support, but I don’t know what kind. A number of websites have advised posting anonymously on forums in bad times, and this is what I’m resorting to. I’m certainly in no place to talk to another person on the phone, and it’s fairly late in the UK at the moment.

    I’ll try to keep the background short.

    I've developed depression after a mental breakdown five months ago. I’ve sought support from my doctor, the university support services, my family etc.

    I persevered with my university studies in the year, and was granted a reshuffle i.e. I would take my final year in two halves. As this semester has worn on, even this diluted arrangement has proven too much. I’m now suspending my studies for a year, and leaving university for twelve months. I used to enjoy taking on a lot of stuff, and conversely found that the more I took on the more successful I was (funny isn’t it). Now that I can’t do things any more, the problem only eats at itself, because I’m not able to take on things that would previously have made me feel good.

    Around a month ago, I turned to self-injury and alcohol to cope, which eventually turned into drugs (nothing too heavy, small amounts of painkillers mainly). Things got bad about ten days ago, where I was planning suicide. My coping mechanisms were no longer working, I realised how much I’d lost, how I hate the things that I used to enjoy and love so much, and felt so trapped and strangled by my situation. I saw an emergency GP, changed medication and was referred to local emergency mental health support services. Things improved over the following days but I’ve now declined back to where I was.

    Things I was doing to distract myself (inane things, like sorting through old family pictures, archiving receipts and my finances, selling unwanted junk on ebay) are now just boring again. Coping mechanisms aren’t helping, self-injury no longer hurts and doesn’t deliver the endorphins I need. My feelings of failure and loss are worse than ever and I really can’t see anything ahead that I can work towards, only more feeling trapped and inanity and emptiness.

    I’ve tried to analyse it with what’s left of my rational mind. I might be looking for attention, I might be looking for forgiveness, I’m not sure. They say writing things down helps, and writing and structuring this has helped clarify things in my head, but I’m having trouble from stopping myself thinking about death and just wanting everything to stop. As dramatic as it sounds, I think what I’m looking for is for someone to tell me what to do next. I'm back to where I was ten days ago and I don't know what to do
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    What you do next is go back to your regular doctor and let doc know what is happening The medication takes six weeks to fully be effective If you are going to harm yourself go to the hospital emergency and talk with mental health provider there ok stay safe
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that this is happening. A good therapist may be able to give you some guidance. Sometimes you have to shop around to find one.

    I'm not very familiar with disability services in the UK, but you may be able to get some vocational rehabilitation services. Being engaged in some sort of regular activity and social interaction could be good for you, you just don't want to take on too much stress in the process.

    The link in my signature has some information that may be helpful. Regrettably, there are a number of minor errors in the document which I can't correct since the window for editing posts is quite short.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2015
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum,

    You're in the UK and want to talk to someone and be anonymous. The samaritans.org are perfect for that sort of help and they will listen, don't worry they do it all day and hear similar things all the time. You should phone or e-mail them, all their info is on their website.

    What do you think will help you feel happier in yourself, is there anything you could enjoy now? I really feel for you and I hope you will be okay. :hug:
  5. am94

    am94 New Member

    Thank you everyone for your kind and supportive words;

    totaleclipse, I will be speaking to my doctor within the next couple of days.

    may71, I'm going to take some time to go through the post you linked me to. I've made a self-referral for CBT a month ago, and treatment should begin within the next month.

    Petal, thank you for the welcome. I distracted myself overnight looking through gumtree and ebay.

    I feel a fair bit better now. Thank you all for your support.
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