i need someone to tell me why it's worth it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pancreaticallychallenged, Sep 15, 2012.

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  1. why is it even worth it to try to go on?

    my ex boyfriend is insane and threatens to kill me if i don't take him back, and i can't tell him to fuck off because he has naked pictures of me from a hell of a long time ago, even though i never sent any to him. i can't go to the police because it would mean i'd have to involve my parents, and they'd never forgive me or treat me like a fucking human anymore. they already misunderstand everything i try to tell them, so it's either i get back with him, let him send those pictures to everyone i know and love, or have my parents ruin my life. i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place here. no matter what i do, i'm fucked.
    and on top of that, he's said that i even develop any type of crush on anyone else, he'd "do everything he can to kill them." so even if i do get him away, if he finds out that i like anyone at all, i might be putting other people in danger.
    all i am is a disgusting fuck-up that can never do anything right.

    it disgusts me especially because i'm ftm transgender, which only makes me hate myself and life in general even more. and my parents would never accept that about me either, so i'm extremely closeted and secretive about it. only 4 people know that i am, and all but 1 are internet friends. the one in real life was a guy i was dating a while back, i got to the point where i trusted him completely so i told him and he broke up with me, ending the relationship with calling me a "fucking *****" and "confused bitch." he blamed the entire problems of our relationship that we'd ever had on me because i told him that i'm a guy on the inside. he asked me to change my mind, but i can't just randomly decide that i'm a girl.

    i just don't want to be here anymore, so what's the point of staying? i'm not even in the right body. i don't want to hurt anyone i love and care about, i just can't do this anymore. i'm completely hopeless.
  2. self_saboteur

    self_saboteur Member

    Hi there. I wish I had answers for both of your questions (about why life is "worth it", or what to do about your ex-boyfriend), and I'm sorry that you are dealing with so much conflict, both internal and external. Not sure how to help at all, really... but I wanted to offer my support and say that you aren't hopeless. For what it's worth, I'm also FTM and dealing with some of the same issues (although admittedly, my problems with an ex-partner are pretty mild in comparison). If you ever want/need to talk, just shoot me a message on here.
  3. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    imo, the best way out for now is to go to the police. if he is such a danger to you and everyone, he gotta be held in custody or treated for this mental illness. tell the police before he send your pics to everyone. what he is doing to you is against the law.
    and honey, i'm not sure what you mean by 'your parents already misunderstand everything you try to tell them.... ' and they are going to ruin your life if they know the truth.
    if you mean they can't deal with the fact that you are transgender, i'm sorry. some people are too narrow minded to accept other people's life choice.
    how old are you? can you afford to live on your own? if you can, move out please. one day, you may be able to reconcile with your parents even if it seems likely impossible atm.
    ask yourself this question, honey, 5 years from now, will you still be trapped by all these problems. i'm pretty sure the answer is no. every problem has its own solution. you just have to stay strong to get pass this difficult moment.

    take care xxx
  4. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    It sounds like a bad situation. Your only way out is to involve the police. If the tell your family then so be it. It is better than your life being in more danger. I know some men like him and it alot of it is they feel they own you. By doing what they say you reinforce it and it gets worse. Your family will have to deal with this and i'm sure they will in time. If not, you know to move away when you can. Have you looked at help lines?
  5. as in they won't accept me being transgender, yes. my parents are just about the most close-minded people i've ever come in contact with. if it weren't for them, i would be very open about it, but if i were they'd tease me and bully me every day.
    i wish i was old enough to move out. but i'm only 15, so that won't be for quite a while.
    and i suppose you're right. by the time i'm 20, none of this will really matter, i hope. unless i'm not here. but i think i will be. i hope so, anyway. only reason i still am is because i don't want to hurt the people that actually care about me. they're the only motive i have to keep going right now.
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