I need someone

[BenJ]

This week was my birthday, April 15th, my girlfriend broke up with me on the 13th. Now i know people are skeptical about teenage relationships but what we had was real. We dated for 2 years and 2 months. every single day of that time i spent with her, for 2 years.
In the last month or so I was angry and i was angry and depressed for no reason, i was a jerk to her. Whenever she talked to me i told her she was stupid whenever she wanted to hang out i wouldnt do anything she wanted to do, and she broke up with me this week. I don't blame her, its all my fault. I hate myself for doing it. I can't even look at myself.
She's refusing to talk to me about it, i know ive changed, i know that i took her for granted every single day, and every thing that i was mad at her for before are all of the things that i miss the most. I had to threaten to kill myself so she would even answer my facebook messages.
Because i spent so long with her, everything reminds me of here, I cant even sleep in my own bed anymore i have to sleep on the couch, because we used to snuggle under the blankets every day. I cant listen to the radio i cant even play video games because we used to play together. I dont have any friends or anyone to talk to, i invested all of my time in her and any of the friends i used to had i only had to be with her. I've wanted to kill myself for 6 days, and not one person has asked me how i feel or how im doing.
I need help but i dont know where to look, its one in the morning and everything seems hopeless, i cant sleep, i have a 500 word english essay due tomorrow, and a physics test that i didnt study for, i just want to run away and never come back, No, i want my girlfriend back.
I know its just a break up but, i have such an addictive personality. She promised me forever and she thought i would break up with her, she made me promise back. And she is the one that breaks up with me. She told me she just fell out of love with me. Everything hurts so bad i just want it to be over.
I've turned to this forum because i just tried to kill myself. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, it may have saved my life, but i need serious help, i need someone to talk to, i have nobody.

 

[Sadeyes]

Hi Ben...and welcome...because you are young does not mean you did not love...my first true love was when I was 11...I still remember him very well...I think we all would do somethings differently when we look back at them...so sorry your birthday turned out how it did, but here's to better times and a belated happy birthday...I have loved deeply and lost deeply, and I know it takes time and work to move on...but one does! Now, I consider those relationships the rehearsal for the wonderful relationships I have today...welcome again and please continue to let us know how you are doing...J

 

[41021]

How are you holding up right now? If you need to talk, I'm available. Just let me know.

 

[BenJ]

Everyone keeps on telling me that everyday it will get better, well ive been getting worse everyday. I know its my fault that she doesnt want to be with me, i blame everything on me and i know i deserve it. I hate myself. I just want things to be the way they were, we were so happy, all of the time, even when we were fighting i was still happy, i just miss everything, and everything that happens to me reminds me of her, theres no way to get away from it, i need to escape.

 

[41021]

I can hear how much pain you are in. I know this hurts so much. Try to slow down a bit. Some deep breaths. Some water to sip on.

I know the pain is intense right now, but honestly, escape isn't the best option hun. I know it seems like it.

If you have a method, could you put it in another room, away from where you are with your pc? Just for now.

You have a lot of stress. Perhaps you can speak with your instructors, ask if they will give you an extension or allow you to make up the work. Just explain to them you are quite stressed and how serious it is.

Do you attend a large school? City or rural? Perhaps we can find some help for you okay?

 

[41021]

Would you prefer talking in the chat room? I'm willing to go in there if you would prefer. Your choice.


No clue why you had been feeling angry and depressed prior to your break up? No idea why you were snapping at her? Had you been under significant stress at home or school?

What year in school are you?

 

[kote]

i had the same experience at the same age!!!
young love is far more intense than can be put into words.
fighting for her may even turn her away more, its so difficult to know and do what is right.
all i can offer you is my support and understanding. you are right in feeling the way you do and these emotions are true. with age we dont seem to have the same intensity ( im only 33 ) but at 18 i felt my deepest love.
i wish i could be there for you and sit over a pint and let it all out. all i can say with age and experience is that its hardest right now for you. as for your school work, a little word in the ear of a trusted teacher may help there. as for your daily routine and everything around you - dont give up just yet. i kind of want to say man up ( its not quite the phrase i mean!!! ) and offer your appologies but im possitive you have done this.
all i can offer is to be here for you and let you vent as much as you wish - dont place the blame on yourself, please!!!

 

[BenJ]

I'm in grade 11, but im in a grade 12 physics course and an advanced grade 11 english course, and i dont know if i could ever talk to teachers about this, I cant even talk to my parents, i just feel embarrased like I shouldnt feel this way i just cant talk to anyone, except for her, she's the only one that i was ever comfortable sharing my feelings with.
And as for why i was angry prior to the break up is beacause she would always joke around and imasculate me, i know she was only kidding around but it really hurt me, i tried to tell her but she didnt understand and what i did was i didnt want to give in to her i didnt want to let her talk to me or do anything she wanted to do because i didnt want to be imasculated anymore by giving in to her, and i just wish i could have swallowed my pride and just let it go. But i didnt, i didnt do anything right.

 

[41021]

Hey, I understand you feel embarrassed, but i want you to know your feelings are real and valid. You need not feel embarrassed about them. It is how you feel. You have a right to feel and express yourself, no matter what those feelings are. They are very real. They are just as real and valid as anyone else's.

Do you think you could speak to a school counselor? Is there an older person whom you trust or have a decent relationship with? Someone you feel safe speaking too? Another option, is some communities have a Teen Line or other anonymous phone lines where you may speak privately with someone. If you are interested in this option let me know, perhaps i could help you find something. If you are 18, there are a good many options available as far as getting you some help with sleeping, perhaps some meds for depression. Depends on the state you are in, some states will even allow a 17 year old to obtain their own medical help without knowledge of their parents...I take it speaking with them did not seem to be an option?

I'm concerned as your feelings are so intense and i truly don't wish to see you act on them in a way that brings harm to you.

As far as snapping at her, you deserve to be treated in a respectful manner. You were sort of mirroring to her, what she was doing to you. Sometimes that actually has benefits. Try not to kick yourself too hard. It wasn't appropriate for her to do that to you.

 

[BenJ]

I really have nobody, im in a small rurual community and there is only 1 guidance counselor at our school and she is on personal leave for the rest of the year, i have no friends, or anyone

 

[kote]

Ben, wait till you get to university - any excuse will do.
teachers may seem very difficult to approach and at the same age im possitive i wouldnt have the balls to approach them, but if you can ask to have a quiet private word it may take some stress off you right now so you can get everything back into focus.
all the teachers care about the well being of their students whether 5 years old or 18 - anything which affects their studies is important and should be addressed. ( i was a teacher - sorry )
but right now you have so many intense feelings hitting you repeatedly and life is completely off course. you need time to adjust, focus and talk with her. even if the relationship is doomed - i hope its not. you both need proper closure. open and honest talking freely without worries or preasure.

 

[kote]

I really have nobody, im in a small rurual community and there is only 1 guidance counselor at our school and she is on personal leave for the rest of the year, i have no friends, or anyone

you have me on here!!!

i will give you my time for as long as you need it.

i wont lie to you and i wont judge you.

i understand the stregth of your feelings right now.

you are in a safe place here with us.

 

[BenJ]

I try to talk to her, ive been asking her to come over and talk to me about it for the last 5 days, then she kind of says yes and then doesnt answer any of my messages, and then she will say, im not going back out with you, and everytime my heart breaks a little but more, i dont know how she can date me for 2 years and lose feelings, it hurts, i know we didnt spend alot of time together in the last month of our relationship, but ive changed, i took her for granted and all i want is for her to hear me out and give me a chance, but she said she's happier now and she's not going back out with me, i miss her so much, the last time i saw her i tried as hard as i could not to hug her and cry, she's all i want

 

[41021]

Ben, i agree with what Neanderthal has said about at least having some closure with her. I know that is not what you want, but a relationship that has lasted that long, you both owe it to each other to sit and at least talk. Maybe redefine the relationship. I don't understand why you couldn't still maintain a close friendship with each other. There is no reason to turn your backs on each other. Perhaps you can initiate this by writing something to her...maybe run it past one of us first to be sure it's not too intense for her.

You don't need your grades suffering either. Most instructors are understanding. Perhaps if you carefully chose an instructor to write a note too. Just explain you are under incredible stress, share only what you are comfortable with but emphasize the lack of sleep, perhaps a bit of the depression so they will take you seriously and perhaps extend some compassion to you and a bit of time to get your work turned in. Are you concerned they might contact your parents were you to ask for some consideration or an extension?


I understand small rural communities. I live in a remote rural area. I am aware of a number of resources if this would be helpful. Just feel free to ask me anything at all. I'll do my best. Neanderthal the same...he is an awesome fellow and will do whatever he can. He is a wonderful listener as well.

You are not alone any more. You are here. We are here. Let's find a way to safely get you through this rough patch, yes?

I really want you to be okay...to be safe. To find a way to ease this pain, to get some rest. There are folks here willing to help you get through this. There are caring hands reaching out to you. You are not alone.

 

[BenJ]

Ive been sending her messages all week and she said she would come and talk to me more than once, but then she just never comes and stops answering me until its too late, i just feel totally helpless and useless like theres nothing i can do, And she's even told me we can still be friends, but i still need to talk about our relationship and she wont even give me the time, it hurts

 

[41021]

I don't see how she could truly lose all feeling for you. Perhaps by not seeing you for a while, she may end up realizing just how much she misses you. I've frequently seen that happen.

Maybe if you agree with her and say hey, okay, we don't have to go out, but we've been together two years, why can't we remain friends, spend some time together, talk. I can't see throwing away any relationship with someone I've spent two years getting to know. It's a bit unreasonable. How are you at writing? You know, maybe write her a letter...just try to focus more on the friendship aspect, for now. This would give her a chance to see, that you will treat her respectfully as a lady. Can you go for lunch or dinner? Maybe offer to cook her something and make a special dinner and spend time talking...perhaps avoid too deep of a convo though.

I know the feelings are intense but sometimes it's helpful to share the intense feelings with someone other than the person you are having issues with...this way perhaps some healing can take place in the relationship. The intense feelings you can share with us. Eventually it may be possible to share them with her. It would be okay to let her know you miss her. Maybe share some of the things you miss about being with her...little things, umm...simple things that were/are important to you. Things related more to friendship. Not sure if i am explaining this very well.

Do you think it's worth investing some time and energy into salvaging the friendship?

 

[BenJ]

The worst part is she just wont talk to me, she thinks that i want to get back together right away, but im willing to wait a month, and she just wont answer me, its just hard, we dont talk at school anymore, im to personal to talk to her about anything infront of other people, i tried writing her a letter but she just didnt answer, i just dont know how to get her to talk to me, i miss her so much

 

[41021]

Aww sweetie, i know it hurts *** I really understand that. It's so difficult when we feel so much pain. I can hear how much you are hurting.

Give her a chance to miss the relationship she had with you. Keep talking to us about the pain, but with her focus more on being friends, just for now. Eventually you will be able to talk about the relationship but i suspect first focus on the friendship/companionship, the small things.

I don't know how to explain this, but i have seen things backfire, when the guy lets all his feelings out to his girl or former girl. There may have been a possibility of getting back together but then the guy gets really intense and the girl will shy away, whereas if you could find a way to focus more on that friendship aspect....just for a little while, maybe she will come around.

 

[BenJ]

The part that hurts me the most is she doesnt even miss me, she's happier without me and i just want her to see that we can be happy again, but thats the last thing she wants, i just have nothing right now

 

[kote]

im sure you are hurting so much now!!!
its like you are gasping for air each contact you have.
does she know whata great guy she will be missing out on?
my relationship was similar to yours in that we spent all our time together and sacrificed friends and a whole social scene just to be at peace together enjoying each others company.
i know from the mistakes i have made that chasing after her will just push her away even more - give her time and space. these are things ive learnt through one bad relationship after another. maybe a hey how are you doing? kind of greeting or hey it was a lonely night last night. but dont go too indepth. dont push the opening of a friendship into something else as that may also be lost. ( all learnt though experience ) - be casual and cool and let her see the real you who she is missing.
ive also learnt through intense reationships sometimes we both grow in different directions - this is where space is essential. you need to be a part of her life not her whole life. i know that she is your whole life!!! this is where we destroy ourselves over our minor errors.
try a letter with no words. just a blank piece of paper - attatch a post-it note to it and say where do we begin?
dont kick yourself too much about what has gone on in the past. just look forward and over time things may or may not work out but dont rush or push things as in my experience they usually blow up in your face. its still early days.
ask her how she is coping and does she have any tips - very casually.
ask has she had a nice day, just little talk to keep the spark there and that youre the guy still in the picture. be as casul and friendly as you can - i know the urge is to rush in and cuddle and cry - believe me I KNOW!!!! but it does exactly what you dont want it to do.