i wish an honest, hard working, solemn, sure person would give me a life line. to those that think a virtual hug would make a difference would spare me. i seek but an opportunity to forge a future with the labor of my hands and the sweat of my spend effort. i had been working in the medical field until recently, throughout my teenage years i felt a lot of depression and sadness. though this sorrowful years i questioned why people weren't kinder to each other and help one another out, so they wouldn't feel as i did. so i developed an altruistic-empathic ideology based on understanding and kindness. i am now 26 and since then that ideology has deteriorated by what i've seen and experienced. my disillusion with humanity has been complete. therefore i cannot bring myself to perform any job with this sort of motive. i hate people now, i do. from the banal words that come out of their mouths to the thoughts they hide with them, or the lack of though and awareness they posses... if i were to simplify my dilemma it would be easier illustrated by the progression from the hero to the a villain. where the hero is young and stupid whose morals and beliefs are of a pseudo religious nature, about good and evil. where the villain is an actual response of thought to a harsh world who only wishes it to stop to exist...batman, why does he put up with so much shit from people, why doesn't he just give them the ignorance ridden world they have created for themselves...by the way i hate superheroes i just wanted to make a point. in truth this could be argued to be my fault. by who i am and the decisions and actions of whatever it is that i am. but one thing that i have learned is "treat others like you want to be treated" with respect, dignity, and understanding...perhaps affection, but that last is most difficult...so you can't give what you don't have, and once you gain an affection for yourself it will be reserved for those similar to yourself. i can't seem to find a place for myself in this world, and i can't bring myself to shed what i am in order to comply or live among others. i imagine there are those like me. solitary, reserved, left to their own thoughts, hidden. and like me i suppose they prefer to remain that way. but its hard to make a living this way. maybe its only this american society that celebrates extroversion as the out most pinnacle of achievement as a human being, but i don't have the resources to travel elsewhere and find out. i seem stuck in this piece of shit town. this brings me to resend my horny ignorant parents who had me for whatever fuckwise motive they figured, to endure this painful existence, out of the 26 years i can remember not feeling happiness for most of that time and i feel so fucking tired. bitter, angry, sad...tired. i want to die very much so or to be left alone to do a job to make a living without the expectations of some asshole. i been thinking about suicide for years now but i always seem to deter. i wish for a solution, just a peaceful solitary job, in a remote place, or just finally kill myself. i been reading about those japanese suicide groups...well first that final flame of hope needs to be snuffed out...well soon enough i'll run out of money and i can't find a job anyways, so it's a coming. this is whats going to happen, all kinds of jerks are going to read this and not identify with my words. other jerks will read it and not be able to provide a solution, i can't blame them for i haven't found one on my own and i hate asking for help but here i am. the worse jerks will leave one of those smiley hugs. so why did i bother to sing up and type this crap. it is with a small sliver of hope of finding a practical individual who can give real tangible useful...something. probably won't though since everyone that ends up here is at the end of his or her own rope too.