i need something practical...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by smk, Jan 16, 2009.

  1. smk

    smk Well-Known Member

    i wish an honest, hard working, solemn, sure person would give me a life line. to those that think a virtual hug would make a difference would spare me. i seek but an opportunity to forge a future with the labor of my hands and the sweat of my spend effort.

    i had been working in the medical field until recently, throughout my teenage years i felt a lot of depression and sadness. though this sorrowful years i questioned why people weren't kinder to each other and help one another out, so they wouldn't feel as i did. so i developed an altruistic-empathic ideology based on understanding and kindness. i am now 26 and since then that ideology has deteriorated by what i've seen and experienced. my disillusion with humanity has been complete. therefore i cannot bring myself to perform any job with this sort of motive.

    i hate people now, i do. from the banal words that come out of their mouths to the thoughts they hide with them, or the lack of though and awareness they posses... if i were to simplify my dilemma it would be easier illustrated by the progression from the hero to the a villain. where the hero is young and stupid whose morals and beliefs are of a pseudo religious nature, about good and evil. where the villain is an actual response of thought to a harsh world who only wishes it to stop to exist...batman, why does he put up with so much shit from people, why doesn't he just give them the ignorance ridden world they have created for themselves...by the way i hate superheroes i just wanted to make a point.

    in truth this could be argued to be my fault. by who i am and the decisions and actions of whatever it is that i am. but one thing that i have learned is "treat others like you want to be treated" with respect, dignity, and understanding...perhaps affection, but that last is most difficult...so you can't give what you don't have, and once you gain an affection for yourself it will be reserved for those similar to yourself.

    i can't seem to find a place for myself in this world, and i can't bring myself to shed what i am in order to comply or live among others. i imagine there are those like me. solitary, reserved, left to their own thoughts, hidden. and like me i suppose they prefer to remain that way. but its hard to make a living this way. maybe its only this american society that celebrates extroversion as the out most pinnacle of achievement as a human being, but i don't have the resources to travel elsewhere and find out. i seem stuck in this piece of shit town.

    this brings me to resend my horny ignorant parents who had me for whatever fuckwise motive they figured, to endure this painful existence, out of the 26 years i can remember not feeling happiness for most of that time and i feel so fucking tired. bitter, angry, sad...tired. i want to die very much so or to be left alone to do a job to make a living without the expectations of some asshole. i been thinking about suicide for years now but i always seem to deter.

    i wish for a solution, just a peaceful solitary job, in a remote place, or just finally kill myself. i been reading about those japanese suicide groups...well first that final flame of hope needs to be snuffed out...well soon enough i'll run out of money and i can't find a job anyways, so it's a coming.

    this is whats going to happen, all kinds of jerks are going to read this and not identify with my words. other jerks will read it and not be able to provide a solution, i can't blame them for i haven't found one on my own and i hate asking for help but here i am. the worse jerks will leave one of those smiley hugs. so why did i bother to sing up and type this crap. it is with a small sliver of hope of finding a practical individual who can give real tangible useful...something. probably won't though since everyone that ends up here is at the end of his or her own rope too.
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    What is your current financial status. I ask this because although it doesn't bring happiness to some, money is what makes the world go round. If you did have enough money then you would be able to travel and find out for yourself if extroversion is the pinnacle of achievement of human beings as you put it. Perhaps that is something you could work towards, saving up to travel.
  3. Alexpt2

    Alexpt2 Well-Known Member

    So basically what you're saying is anyone who can't give you a solution to your problems is a jerk. Allrighty then.

    I get what you're saying though, unfortunitly I don't have a solution for you. So just call me jerk #2. Nice to meet ya.

    btw, you forgot about jerk #4...........the new forum member who just joined yesterday and is allready calling everyone a jerk in their first post. :blink:
  4. ergo51

    ergo51 Well-Known Member

    I'm a great big jerk (#5?) and if I could only find where they had put that damn hugs icon there'd be one here........tsk......................
    Anyway travel sounds like a good idea. Lack of funds eh? If you can raise the cash do a Teaching English as a Foreign Language course (find a good one, in the uk celta is the best but I'm guessing your'e in the States? Find the equivalent, that is to say a course where you actually teach real students and will be recognised internationally, google to find out).

    I read your post and you strike me as a pretty thoughtful and eloquent chap (hugs..........I jest...worry not) who could handle the work load. This qualification would give you access to a lot of the globe, should you have a B.A. of any flavour you'll be able to get a visa to just about any country and earn reasonable bucks while you're at it. The majority of people you teach would be very grateful as well, it would engage your mind, be worthwhile and no you don't have to be extrovert to teach English, infact a tefl teacher who keeps their gob shut is actively encouraged. (It's called t.t.t. that is teacher talking time, the less the better.)

    Oh and the courses can be as little as 6 weeks (very intensive mind, hard work) so you could be up and away in no time. In some countries, China for instance the school may even pay your flights and board thus saving you bundles! You can even do the tefl (celta) course in foriegn countries (Thailand and Spain to name but two) not sure I'd recomend it personally but my point is the options and opportunities are huge.

    Good idea?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 17, 2009
  5. smk

    smk Well-Known Member

    my financial situation is not great, i always hated being in debt to this day i don't own a credit card, but i did sing a lease to live in a shithole; little did i know i would experience a mental breakdown in two short months after signing it. well now i can't find a job to pay for said lease or my car and insurance, maybe i could sell it all, even though i don't own much. maybe i could declare bankrupsy or just die...besides thats just my financial situation there is still the more important matter of why i had the breakdown and quit the jod in the first place...
  6. smk

    smk Well-Known Member

    well everyone is a big-fat-ugly-jerk on my book until proven other wise. anyone who has the gail to dance around thinking hes so great...well i don't like them or maybe i just envy them anyways we don't get along.

    am a victim! i must say reading up on various method of suicide has actually caused me to cheer up. i guess because i have something to look forward too, decide and pick from. although i read that the hardest part is overcoming that survival instinct, and its true...maybe i should watch a bunch of romantic comedies to get me there.
  7. smk

    smk Well-Known Member

    i don't have a B.A. and maybe i could do that, but i doubt it. my one joy would be to fail everyone and make their life miserable like mine, it's only faer.

    but maybe if i could regain my freedom that'd be something to look into, not a bad suggestion...then again it would just be one more thing to fail at.
  8. ergo51

    ergo51 Well-Known Member

    Well the beauty of the celta is you don't need a degree, just helps with getting a visa. Centres of education (respectable ones) are funny things it is against their interests for you to fail a course or bail out as it reflects badly on them, that is to say should you get on the course you will receive the relevant support to enable you to pass it.
    The celta course has pre interview tasks to screen who is capable of doing it, it's difficult and takes some real application but serves it's purpose, if you get on the course you will pass is my point.
    Anyway, you don't seem overly keen and I'm not sure I should encourage someone who would think it fair to fail all their students arbitrarily! ( Lolz ).

    Anyway, should you fancy it contact me and I can advise and inform.

    Take it easy mate.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2009
  9. Mayal

    Mayal Well-Known Member

    I don't know where you are location wise SMK, but i wonder if you have ever heard of an organisation called LETS, which exists in the UK, but i wouldn't be surprised if it is branching worldwide... It is a system of skill swapping for people, sometimes, people want a caretaker or a companion, and are willing to offer accomodation and food in return, sometimes, people wish to learn a skill and are looking for something else in return, as far as i am aware it does not include the use of money as a bargaining tool, so might be just the thing that a lonely misanthrope might make use of ( Gently joking btw)

    Also, if you are in the UK, and looking for a way to lets say, leave the world of fiscal reponsibility behind for a bit, there is also a publication called The Lady, which often advertises for people willing to work with their hands, gardening and caretaking, for free accomodation and small wages... It is often more than not older people on their own that are looking for people to do this.

    There are also some voluntary organisations which offer food and board in exchange for work.

    it might not be what you are looking for exactly, but might be worth a look. It could maybe give you some time out for you to get some focus.


  10. smk

    smk Well-Known Member


    you're right, the idea although practical, is not very alluring. it does take into account the part about me travelling and discovering new places but it would require me to interact with students. with their judmental filthy eyes and asking me questions even though i hate talking, sure i type on here and it must seem like i have stuff to say, but it's all my output during day or couple of days, yes talking is not suitable for me...

    you know at one point in my life i actually would have liked to open up a school, that desire was inspired by the ridiculously poor education system, at least where am from. but then again how do you prepare someone for life challenges of a non academic nature. it would have been a small school, with a few students for sensitive folk, hah. what a financial dump that would have been.

    your reply did lead me to think somehow of botany, traveling the world studing plants and what not. it also made me feel lonely though, making me aware of my resignation to a life of solitude, is ok people are fastidious anyhow. am fastidious aren't i...reminds me of a song, do you think you're better of alone...
  11. smk

    smk Well-Known Member


    in don't live in the uk. i've met one or two people from the uk online, seemed like good folk, i've learned that am not very good at sustaining friendships though. so yeah even if there was something like that in the us i woulnd't be good at it.

    i was thinking and the only times when i feel attachment to this life is...a sad story, a death of someone close. i guess it shows me vividly how frail life is. it is when one is overcomed by problems when suicide seems most viable, its a shame things affect me so and i can't seem to deal with them very well, otherwise i think i could be...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 22, 2009
  12. Mayal

    Mayal Well-Known Member

    I'm similar SMK, in terms of sustaining friendships, i don't connect with people on any level apart from when i am online, but then that is because i get the chance to potray myself as i would like, with control.

    I can understand how you get to the point of only finding pain and sadness or regret being the things that keep you tethered, i wish i had some wise words to conteract this, however, as far as i can see, that is how 90% of us keep connected to our lives, especially when it just seems like one struggle after another.

    You seem like an erudite person, and i cannot imagine that there is nothing that you have to offer the world as a whole, even if you are unable to offer it to an individual, do you write at all? You have a way with words...
  13. smk

    smk Well-Known Member

    i have been told before that i have a way with words...i guess it's because i read and some of that has eventually seeped into this head of mine.

    just recently i was assailed by a youth who with pomp and pride declared that she didn't read. perhaps this is also at the root of my turmoil, since i been know to flip trough a few ages on occasion. this was another accusation i had to endure at work, because i'd rater skim a few paragraphs than discuss the ongoings of my stupid coworkers.

    i've always liked the classics too, wich i guess separates me even further from the present day, i would say my advise to anyone specaily parents, would be to not read or to stick to star, people, time, etc...if there is a point to reading at all, i sure haven't profited much from it. and its not like i parade around thinking that my reading habits are superior, its just another way to pass time...till sweet old death decides to snoop by and by.

    i do write every so often when i think of something clever, not everyone finds it as clever as i do, and if they do i feel offended they agree with me. there is not reason to agree with me, i am more or less misserable, and unless you are a person of the same disposition there shouldn't be anything to agree about.
  14. Mayal

    Mayal Well-Known Member

    I love reading and i also love the classics, and i agree with you to a certain degree that i wonder if there is a point to reading sometimes, especially when you live within a generation that seems to embrace ignorance like mine does at times. I find the standard of literature lowering when people do make the effort to read, from Lewis Carrol to JK Rowling in three easy jumps for children and so on.

    Well my friend, that bald egotism in the second half of your post is evident in some of the less prolific, but critically acclaimed authors of our time, so i stand by my original assumption that you are a writer, and hope that you find some way to co-exist with your feelings and seeking some financial success.

    We don't neccesarily need constant milksop and resolution to get by in the world, and although perhaps i am not as miserable as you, i have enjoyed this conversation.

    Take Care SMK