I have struggled with problems for quite a while now. I try to stay busy but honestly I have zero motivation. I wish I could control my mind. The longer it wanders the worse it gets. I found myself looking for a practical way to end it last night. Luckily I am limited on resources. All firearms have been removed, my keys are monitored, and my pills are rationed. Living miserably is not a life. I am trying to take steps to live happily but it's not working. Some day when I slip I probably will find a way. Right now I'm not sure I want to die but I never know about later. I would prefer to live happily but that doesn't seem to be in the cards. I wish it was. Maybe moving to the west coast wasn't right for me. To be home in Minnesota with my friends would be great but not practical now. Every decision I make to try to improve the situation seems wrong. I miss my friends, I miss my home, I miss having a reason to smile. If everything happens for a reason, what reason could there be for me to be this way. I'd rather be dead than like this. Don't know how much longer I can resist the urge. Hopefully long enough.